Andrew M asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

....What do you think??.....Something different....?

In The Shadows

Andrew M

Judith S

As he laid his head

against the cold cement

strangers and life passed him by.

No one notices him laying there.

Once successful and respected,

now free from that burden

to live in the shadows of his former self.

A person no one sees or cares about.

Respect and pride long gone

he wakes to a warming wetness

laying in waste he produced.

Slowly putting his head in his hands

his dignity the last to leave,

cries himself to sleep

having nightmares of all the yesterdays

that once were new and bright.Now a blur.

Memories twisted into nightmares

that now attack from within.

Ghoulish visions of what was so pure

invading his thoughts are evil visions

of a life so bright,now darkened by shadows

waiting to take what is left of a broken life.

The shadows draining the last of his soul

through the cold hard cement.

This was the darkest void imaginable Millions of

screaming tortured souls.Reliving mistake after

mistake. Again for an eternity.

The shadows have stolen another soul to torture

Screams are everywhere.There for the shadows pleasure

Reeking from this void,is a stench like no other.

The souless body remains unnoticed by strangers

who cared not about him before.... even less now.

Update:

That is sad Cilla,,,,There are new faces every week or every day in fact

I -We worked on this together and here is the end result & Thank You

10 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Hard core life.

    Graphic only begins to describe it. We not only see him, but we smell him, feel him, hear him.

    I'm a veteran--nothing like this, though. I have known people like this, not all of them from the Vietnam War. One of the saddest cases I knew was an old black man who was a World War II veteran. I've no idea where he is now or whether he is even still alive.

    I empathize, but I also feel each of us has a responsibility to be true to ourselves. We should do our utmost to do that, and the goal of each of us who recognizes the needs of veterans should be to help them to be true to themselves, by giving them the dignity and respect their service has earned. It is not the "country's" duty--it is the duty of each of her citizens, including people like me who have served it.

  • Fr. Al
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Do trust Elaine, your results will be better. Congratulations on your joint effort, and keep up the good work. Your last stanza is a bit twisted, and looks a little overdrawn, not quite finished. With shadows you need an apostrophe, either after the w or the s, I would put it after the s since your previous line is plural. "this" implies a "that", but I think the void you speak of is unique, use the article rather than the indicatory. "cared not" is not the usual verb to express lack of care, go with didn't care. There for the shadows' pleasure is a fragment, drop the capital and use a comma to set it as an appositive. Same with Millions, Reliving, and Again (a ghastly term, What are they repeating, another eternity?), no comma is necessary for reliving mistake after mistake for eternity.

    The darkest void imaginable, millions of

    Screaming tortured souls reliving mistake

    After mistake for eternity,

    Shadows have stolen another soul to torture

    Screams are everywhere for the shadows' pleasure,

    Reeking from the void, a stench like no other

    The soulless body remains unnoticed

    Strangers didn't care before, care less even now.

  • 1 decade ago

    Unfortunately, society allows people to slip through the cracks. How much can a 'safety net' cost, for Chrissakes? If every family would feed just one homeless person, there would not be scenes like this...it would help dampen their sorrow and rekindle self esteem. Depession snowballs.

    And a fantastic co-write to bring that home to all of us. You never need to know the person to help them.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    This reminds me of a man I met once at a VA hospital. I was there visiting my dad and there was this soldier who had fought in Vietnam. He was homeless, roamed the streets of Cincinnati (pretty harsh actually) - he talked to himself a lot. He had flashbacks from the war and I thought - this man fought for our country and he doesn't have a clean safe place to lie down at night. How sad is that?

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  • 1 decade ago

    I commend you both for such a fine effort. Elaine and Fr. Al have given excellent technical critique. I hope we see more from you both!

  • 1 decade ago

    This is a fine dual effort. One edit: "The hen laid an egg." but he "lay his head." (Say 'lay' instead of 'laid' unless you're talking about laying an egg). Also, "No one notices him laying there," becomes "No one notices him lying there." He isn't telling a lie, but he isn't laying an egg either. This is one of the most difficult problems in English, but trust me, here.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Hey stupid iano, it`s called working with a friend. But you don`t have any friends. Only the 400 voices in your head. And I`m sure they don`t like you either.

    I am watching all of you

    "The Troll hunter"

    Edit: Hey iano, you should start running now ,cause I will not give you "30 SECONDS"

  • So Andrew did you and Judith co write this?

    It is very good.

    Very cold hard and unrelenting. Life is not always the way we plan it.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's certainly different from poetry. It is astounding, however. (That it took 2 people to write it.) Back to the shadows with it, I think.

    Source(s): The Bumper Book of Iano's Brilliance.
  • Daisy
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Oh!! I commend you and Judith!! Andrew this is good!!

    Source(s): Brava to you both!
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