I'm very depressed right now and have nobody to talk to. Will you listen?

I'm a 17 year old guy going on 18 in May. I'm a loner and I have no friends. I thought I was happy that way, but in the end, I realized that nobody can truly be alone and have no friends throughout life. If they do, they must not be happy. I've had a lot of problems with my family which contributed to... show more I'm a 17 year old guy going on 18 in May. I'm a loner and I have no friends. I thought I was happy that way, but in the end, I realized that nobody can truly be alone and have no friends throughout life. If they do, they must not be happy. I've had a lot of problems with my family which contributed to my problems. My dad has had problems with drinking and he sometimes gets angry over nothing and throws tantrums. He even attacked my mom physically a couple of times. I remember we have had to call the police on him on one occasion. When we did, he ran away and just showed up at the door the next day. He said he was sorry and that it would never happen again. Well it turns out similar events happened about 20 more times after that. After all of that, I gave up on my dad and started to really hate him. My mom is the victim in this situation, refusing to realize her situation or make any positive changes. She just kind of sits around and complains about how bad her life is. I really can't help her.


Now I've become depressed and socially anxious. I have an extremely difficult time talking to people. Even if I somehow am able to get a conversation going, it doesn't last. I freeze up and people get sick of me. Nobody ever talks to me or asks me to do anything. I joined a club last year to try to get me around people more and it kind of worked. I met this girl who was in grade 12. She was a really nice person and just gave me a hug for no reason one day. She came back for another semester this year and gave me her e-mail. I found out that she had a lot of problems too, but that she was okay now. I really liked to listen to her talk about her problems with me and she even asked me to do the same. The problem is that I have trouble getting my feelings out. I've felt very afraid and insecure this entire time though. She just left school so now I have nobody to talk to. I think I've started to develop feelings for her. I don't know if this is real or just a crush, but I really care about her and I want her to be happy.

I think I'm ready to tell her all of my problems. My idea is that I would do it through writing. It's easier for me to express myself through writing than it is through verbal communication. This would at least give her more of an idea of who I really am. It's just been really hard for me. I've thought about suicide and hurting myself every day for the past few years. I can't stand being lonely, but it's hard to find good friends who really care. I'm sorry this is so long and I'm sorry if some of it isn't clear. I'm just feeling really upset today because I don't have anybody.
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