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What do you think of this short piece?

Father Riley, the confessor of the monastery was looking out of the narrow window, his warm, blue eyes filled with sorrow as he was listening the discussion taking place in the old and Spartan decorated room.

"It is my conclusion that sister Dolores is suffering from a very peculiar form of schizophrenia. She seems convinced that she is being visited by night by this demonic entity she calls Yasir. I would recommend getting professional help", Mr. Gonzales, the psychiatrist they had sent for concluded.

"And what exactly do you mean professional help", Mother Superior cut in.

"It's been almost a month, now, and she is getting more and more hysterical. You should know that, as days go by, her situation is getting worse. If I had known at the right time." the psychiatrist's eyes fixed themselves accusatory on the priest's back.

The priest felt the gaze and with a sigh turned around, pulling off his round glasses.

"You know that I have sworn to keep the secrecy of everything I hear in the confessional.", he replied softly.

Mr. Gonzales fought the urge to jump off the chair and yell. The poor girl had had to go hysterical during the mass for him to be called, and, when Mother Superior had asked for him professional help, the sickness had already began engulfing her. Taking deep breaths to calm himself, he added in a tone laced with sarcasm:

"And you are not convinced she is having hallucinations either."

"My son, in my world, what often seems impossible is not. Blind people see, deaf hear, and dead people resurrect through the sheer will of our Lord."

"I am a good Christian, father," the psychiatrist brutally cut in," and I do not dare to question the miracles. But now, in this century.I find it hard to believe that something akin to miracle is happening. A daemon at night visiting a nun ..excuse me for saying so, Mother Superior, but this girl must be having only the natural urges. I am even surprised she hadn't experienced them so far. She is only 21, it is only normal for her to have erotic dreams, even if she is currently a nun. One cannot escape nature."

"I wish that were true", Mother Superior spoke, a tinge of regret in her voice, "That would have been a fortunate case. You see, doctor, nobody ever forced her to remain here. Never. But we are the only family she has ever had, and I know she loves us dearly, for we too love her. Dolores is the younger of us, and unfortunately, we could offer her little of the youth's joys. I have taken her to the town a few times, but she is as skittish as a mare, especially when it comes to men. I must confess I feel guilty about it, for I have a feeling she does not belong in a monastery. I would have loved if she were to get a family of her own, yet, unfortunately, it seems that we have not prepared her enough for the outer world." She finished in a gentle voice.

"Yes, we have discussed these things before, and, once again we don't seem to come to a mutual conclusion. I have discusses to my superiors and we have decided to move her into a Mental Institution!"

"You can't do that!" the father's voice was angry. "She is not crazy! Putting her in there will only make things worse!"

"She thinks she has sex with a daemon! Really, father, I can't believe you actually think she's telling the truth. We followed her, remember? We followed her for a week, day and night and nothing out of the ordinary has happened!"

"I must say I agree with father Riley on this matter. Dolores will remain here, and we shall look after her as well as we can. Taking her out of her home to forcibly move her to a mental facility will do nothing but further damage."

"I am truly sorry that you feel this way" the psychiatrist rummaged through his briefcase then stood up, handling a file to the Mother superior. "These are the papers, I have all the clearances I need. As I depart I shall take her with me to Madrid. You are, of course allowed to visit her every time."

"But.."

"I am sorry, but I will save this poor girl's mind. I assure you that once I'm done, she will be a happy young woman.", he concluded. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go and see what she is doing."

As the door closed with a low hiss behind him, Mother Superior spoke in a tired voice, rubbing her forehead:

"What have we done?"

Update:

~~~~

I am sorry, just realised it's not quite short.

4 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Wow, excellent. Your dialogue is very convincing, you have clear antecedents for every motive even though these characters are only half developed. Well done.

    My only advice involves cramming too much information into ever-lengthy sentences. You could either excise the extra information, break the sentences into smaller pieces, or rearrange the sentence structure to provide more variety.

    For example, instead of

    " ... blue eyes filled with sorrow as he was listening the discussion taking place in the old and Spartan decorated room."

    "His blue eyes surveyed the room as the discussion escalated. Its familiar spartan furnishings usually provided him feelings of comfort and nostalgia, but not today. Today the room, his eyes, his soul, seemed filled only with sorrow."

    But these are only suggestions, you could leave it word for word and it would still be superb.

    You should try Booksie, I think you'd get higher level feedback than yahoo answers.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I think its good but it needs a little edge to keep the readers passing the pages but not too much either so its not overly dramatic and demon and daemon are the same thing but daemon normally refers to the greek mythology ones so u should probably use the word demon so people arent confused. And dont use that same word over and over again, for example also use fallen angel, dark angel... u understand

    But otherwise its ok

    congrats

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  • 1 decade ago

    First time i've ever been able to read through something this long on yahoo answers without getting bored, its got great flow and the characters are develloped through what they say without any flaws.

    you've got talent and your own style, I like that piece and am almost pressed to find out what happens next.

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  • 4 years ago

    Succinctly put sir . . . enough that it packs a punch the way it is. Reminds me of the old nit that some are inspiration and some, terrible warnings ha!

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