My fiance's ex-wife sent me text messages stating that he is playing both of us ... ADVICE NEEDED!?

Are very happy. He moved out of his house and near me so we could spend more time together. Recently he had to move back to his house (near his ex-wife) due to work. I was fine with it until a few days ago when his ex-wife (whom I have never seen nor spoken to) sent me several text messages stating that he is playing both of us, he is calling her often stating he misses her and wants her back, stating that he wants to break it off with me and work it out with her. There were other messages as well, but they are all basically stating the same. He denies all of it and seemed very upset that she would do it – even telling me to call her myself and find out what’s going on. Their 16-year-old daughter then called her father later and told him that her mother was “freaking out” and can’t handle rejection again. Supposedly she has been trying to win him back now since they separated. He and I talked about this and he agreed that perhaps he has been sending mixed signals to her (he is being nice to her as she said that if he wasn’t she wouldn’t let him see her daughter as much) and that he would sit down and talk to her about it face-to-face. He wants her to understand that he is NOT going back to her and is very happy with me. He also said he wants her to apologize to me for lying and trying to cause problems between us. He assures me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, his past is his past, and I need to trust him. I told him that I cannot make him want to be with me and that he has to do what is right for him. I told him that if he did want to go back to her and try to work it out that I would understand (though I would be sad). He had every chance to get out of our relationship at that point, but he said that I am the light of his life and absolutely doesn’t ever want to be with her.

Here are my concerns:

1. Would an ex actually do things like this to win someone back?

2. If he really did want to try to work things out between them, why wouldn’t he tell me the truth?

3. He has been back up at his house for 3 days now and hasn’t talked to her yet to try to resolve this. Could he be avoiding it because it really is true or is it more likely that he just doesn’t want the drama (she cries ALL the time)?

4. Am I being naïve in trusting him and believing that she is lying just to get him back? If so, what should I do?

Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you!


NOTE: He has been separated for 3 years and divorced for one year - he is NOT married. And he's NOT living with his ex-wife - their homes are about 5 miles apart.

Update 2:

Sorry for the confusion - part of my initial comments were cut off. He is divorced and was when we met, so we never were dating while he was separated or married.

I also did know that his ex-wife had wanted him back previously, but only because she can't afford to live on her own and has never lived on her own. They had been living in separate bedrooms the last 5 years of their marriage, so the love aspect has been gone for a long time. It's more of a comfort thing.

Update 3:

One more thing: I live about 300 miles from where they live, so him being able to drive back and forth for work isn't an option. His job requires he move at times and his new assignment just happens to be much closer to his house (he owns it, not her) so he is there temporarily.

Update 4:

The ex-wife got my cell phone number from the phone bill (their daughter's cell phone is on it and she calls me often).

Update 5:

Last update (I promise!): His ex-wife has her OWN house and he has HIS own house - they do not live together!

18 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Why are you engaged to a married man? Do you think that will ever turn out ok? You say he and his wife are separated yet call her the ex-wife. She's not his ex-wife if they are only separated, she's still LEGALLY his wife. You cannot be LEGALLY engaged to a man who is LEGALLY married. Separation is only that... it isn't something that makes them no longer married.

    Any story that comes from a teenager is suspect. She most likely hates her mom, like most 16 year olds, and probably doesn't have a clue as to what is truly going on.

    1. Brake off the engagement. He seems to not be able to leave one until he has another on the line. If he cheated while he was still married, he'll do the same to you.

    2. You are being naive. You shouldn't even be dating a person until a divorce is finalized! EVER. People who separate out get back together all the time. Wait until the papers are signed by the judge that says the marriage is now null and void.

    3. He is living near to his wife for a reason. Trust me... when a man is done with the marriage, all will know it. He'll be staying away from her and taking a longer drive to get to work if needed!

    When you have to ask these many questions, the relationship isnt' solid enough to even consider marriage. You call him fiance.. and that means engaged. Let him figure out his own life and tell him to not call you until the divorce is final. Then you two can start dating and see where it goes from there. No man should ask a woman to marry if you've dated less than a year. It's too soon and it just means he's overly needy.

  • 1 decade ago

    Take a step back and look at the whole picture. This is just the beginning of what may be years of torture- do you want that? They have a 16 yr old daughter together. How long were they married?

    1. An ex would do anything if they are not ready to move on. My ex-husband was living with his girlfriend and crying to me on the phone every night because he was so riddled with guilt. We have a 3 yr old son together.

    2. Why should he tell you the truth? He's getting the best of both worlds. Maybe he wasn't getting enough attention from his wife which is why you and he are together. Now she is paying attention to him (i.e.pleading) and he is still with of both worlds. Why change it?

    3. She cries all the time because she obviously has been betrayed somehow. Look at it from her perspective- would you be a rock or an emotional mess? He may tell you the things that make him out to be the superhero but be realistic- he's not going to tell you that he misses her and wants to mend the marriage. Would you continue to be with him after he said that to you?

    4. Yes, you are unfortunately being naive. How long were they married? How long have you two been together? If he cheated on her with you, don't you think he may do it again to you? You have a lot of normal questions in your situation that have very obvious answers. I recommend letting him go and seeing if he is serious about you or is going back and forth between the two of you. That way if he is serious about you, he will do what needs to be done so you don't have to deal with the drama. If not, then you can sleep better at night knowing that you were not the cause of a family breaking up. Not being judgemental- just matter of fact.

    Source(s): Life experiences....
  • 1 decade ago

    1. Would an ex actually do things like this to win someone back? There are alot of women who would do anything if they are despreate enough to break up someone else's home. She probably told you all of that because she knew that you would go back and tell him, her plan was to put cookies in your head to the point where you would start questioning your relationship just like you're doing now. DON'T FALL VICTIM TO IT.

    2. If he really did want to try to work things out between them, why wouldn’t he tell me the truth? Sometimes men think the easiest way to prevent us from being hurt is by not telling the truth, perhaps he really wanted to protect your feelings.

    3. He has been back up at his house for 3 days now and hasn’t talked to her yet to try to resolve this. Could he be avoiding it because it really is true or is it more likely that he just doesn’t want the drama (she cries ALL the time)? Don't rush him, don't pressure him, give him time.

    4. Am I being naïve in trusting him and believing that she is lying just to get him back? If so, what should I do? It's normal for someone in your situation to question your man, but you have to know that this was all apart of the ex's plan, don't let her win. If she keeps sending you something don't respond, don't give it the time of day, you don't even have to tell your man about it IGNORE IT/HER! accept that the only reason he talks to her is because of their child other than that he has nothing else to say to her. If you see her or speak verbally be civil, don't let her know that her little text messages are bothering you. Matter of fact, you don't even have to show him that it's still bothering you, that'll make him see how strong of a woman you really are.

  • 4 years ago

    That doesn't sound like paranoia. If she never deletes texts then there is a reason she's hiding his. Her trying to send pictures to him is a huge red flag (that may or may not be something bad, but it's best to confront her) Talking about his sperm and such is a little on the odd side but all in all her being secretive isn't a good thing and secrets generally mean there's something to hide. They have children together but since she is married now she really shouldn't be conversing with him about anything other than the kids unless you're okay with it and it's strictly friendly. Regardless texting is easier to hide proof of an inappropriate conversation than the phone.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 1 decade ago

    1. yes, people can be horrible to complete strangers over things like this. been there had it done to me.

    2. they have a history together and he is probably afraid to lose visitation with his daughter or have her (the daughter) think less of him, not actively trying to get back w/his ex.

    3. It may take a few days for him to work up his nerve because she's a drama queen and his daughter probably won't take it well. He's got a lot to lose if it goes badly and he'll need your support.

    4. Trust and naivete are not the same thing. If you two have a life you want to build together, fight for it! This ex of his sounds like she has no shame and will use anything and anyone, including their poor daughter, to make herself happy. It's selfish of her and damaging to her daughter to put the poor girl in the middle of an adult situation. Hopefully, he can make his daughter understand that he is just being kind to her mother and never meant to encourage her hopes for reconciling. Just keep your eyes open and let him know that it's something he needs to deal with. Also, let him know he needs to make the ex understand that his being nice is just as a courtesy to her as his former wife and mother of his child not an invitation to re-kindle their relationship. But, REMEMBER, keep your eyes open to the possibility that the "mixed signals" he admitted to sending may just be a smokescreen to you and her both. Basically, hope for the best and plan for the worst.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    1. Yes, they would. There are some very sick women out there -- well, men too actually. Honestly, there is a pretty good possibility she's talking completely out her a**, none of this happened, and she's just trying to get you to dump him so that she has a shot again.

    2. Possibly, but possibly not. A lot of men hate confrontation, so there is potential that she is telling the truth and he's not being honest with you because he can't handle the drama, flip out, confrontation, or consequences of what would happen if he were totally honest with you.

    3. He DEFINITELY could be avoiding talking to her because he doesn't want to deal with the drama or confrontation. My husband HATES confrontation. Recently, mostly in the past year he's discovered sometimes confrontation is necessary -- especially if it comes to defending his family. He's getting good at it now, but he used to avoid it like the plague.

    4. Not necessarily. Do YOU think you're being naive? Do you have reason to not trust him?

    Here is what I'd do:

    Tell him he needs to talk to her immediately. Explain to him that he longer he puts it off, the more insecure you get because you feel like it may be true. Also, lay down some policies in your soon to be marriage. First off, he clearly needs to stop being so nice and buddy buddy with her. Of course they'll need to talk because of his daughter -- however it's not really necessary because his daughter IS 16 and doesnt really need Mommy and Daddy discussing the plans, she can really do it mostly herself. He needs to stop treating her like a friend, and just be civil with her -- then, there is no way to "mix signals." Also, he needs to explain to his daughter that they're not getting back together, AND tell his ex wife to NOT involve their daughter in this crap, this could be detrimental to her, seriously! Then, watch him and watch her. If you get suspicious or think anything is going on, maybe it would be best to move on without him.

    That being said, if you feel like he's untrustworthy, don't bother even GIVING him the shot. Do what's best for you.

    Good luck.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    1. Yes, and a lot more too

    2. He might be keeping you for backup in case things do not work out between them

    3. Could be both

    4. Not really, you only have what they tell you to go on and neither one of them sounds too stable.

    This situation needs to be resolved without you in the picture, so your best bet would be to wait until your friend is completely done with this ex wife and tells her under no circumstances is she allowed to contact you for any reason and he needs to sort through all this psycho drama. If he cannot keep her under control now, you have no hope for the future, in addition to upsetting you she may take things even further and represents a real danger to you and to the relationship. The fact that he felt the need to actually move back in with her is another red flag, if he truly wanted her out of his life, he would never have done that, playing into the hands of the enemy so to speak.

    His moving due to work sounds like a lie.

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    You should really check out Mike Walden's (dating coach) report on how to make any guy, doesn't matter if is your boyfriend, husband or someone who you just met, feel so attracted to/in love with you, that he will get obsessive thoughts about you, all done through text messaging.

    I know it sounds crazy but it works. I've tried it and I still can't believe how some simple text messages changed everything. Get the report here for free:

  • Josh B
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    hooray! she was a B** when he left her and she's a B** now. F her dumb A$$.

    An ex like this would never try to win someone back, she is only trying to do it to make him miserable, the way she feels miserable because she knows that she screwed up by doing things to hurt him that cause him to leave her. Her goal when they were married was to make him look like the bad but it back fired and now she is one that is worse off for it.

    He is avoiding talking to her because he knows that she is manipulative and every time he goes around her he falls victim to her traps. I'm not sure how long the two of you have been together but from your post I can see that there could be pattern here given the fact that he's been dealing with this beast for 16 years.

    she and he are angry at each other. he gets a g/f and doesn't feel like he has to try so hard to prove to her that thier relationship didn't work out, so he start being nice. She uses his being nice against him, it works and then she involves his g/f to make it look like he's the one being an A'hole. I bet it works over and over and over.

    his avoidance tells me that the only relationship he wants with her is a platonic one, but she wants more. Then when he says he wants to work things out (stop the fighting and be civil with each other) she takes it like they are getting back together. but he doesn't even she keeps trying to convince him that getting back together is the right thing. even though all parties with any sense know that it's not.

    Be supportive of him and help him to realize that what she thinks about him is not what he really is. And doesn't know him, all she knows is how to string him along to make him do what she wants. He has is own personality and he's free of her now. and he'll be completely free in the next couple of years!!!

    edit: 300 miles is pretty far. that's into long distance relationship terretory. I wouldn't like it. Maybe you can move to where he is and convince him to boot the hag out into the street.

  • 1 decade ago

    Anything is possible but ask yourself how someone you never met or spoke to got your cell number to text you in the first place. 2. 16 yrs old daughter is old enough to seek out father on her on if she wishes to see him, mother couldn't keep them apart, he could handle that legally if it's that important to him...3. When the daughter called and said mom was freaking out and "couldn't handle rejection again" what did she mean by that? Again? 4. He could have had a talk with her when you first confronted him over the text message via loud speaker so you could be included, if he were innocent he would want you to know it right then. 5. Why break things off with you when and til he see where it goes with the ex? Sometimes two tastes better than one.

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.