Anyone good at editing?

Hi, I am like the worst editor. I'm at this cabin for the weekend for someone's b-day and the only person i know that is good at editing is well absent so i could really use someone's help... Thank you!

Like many immigrants John W. Nordstrom (a 16 year old Swedish immigrant) left his home in the hopes of finding the promise of New York City with less than five dollars in his pocket he made his way across the country to Washington State. The first few years were not filled with the promise John had been looking for but hard labor in mines and logging camps. Ten years after he arrived upon picking up a newspaper one morning he read the headline “ Gold Found in the Klondike in Alaska.” Things were no easier in the Klondike. Labor was hard and many had come seeking the riches the rough Alaskan terrain had to offer. But within two years John returned to Seattle bringing with him his stake of $13,000 dollars. Eager to invest his money he went into business with a friend he made in Alaska Carl Wallin who owned a small shoe repair store in Seattle. By 1901 the two had found what is now Nordstroms, a nationwide specialty fashion retail chain store.

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    John W. Nordstrom a, 16 year old Swedish immigrant, left his home in the hopes of finding the promise of New York City. With less than five dollars in his pocket he made his way across the country to Washington State. The first few years were not filled with the promise John had been looking for, but hard labor in mines and logging camps. Ten years after he arrived, he picked up a newspaper and he read the headline, “Gold Found in the Klondike in Alaska.” Things were no easier in the Klondike. Labor was hard and many had come seeking the riches the rough Alaskan terrain had to offer. But within two years John returned to Seattle bringing with him his stake of $13,000 dollars. Eager to invest his money he went into business with a friend he made in Alaska, Carl Wallin, who owned a small shoe repair store in Seattle. By 1901 the two had found what is now Nordstroms, a nationwide specialty fashion retail chain store.

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  • 1 decade ago

    While you should try to do this yourself, I'll give it a go. One tip I should give you right from the off, and this can go with any essay you ever write, is try not to have your opening sentence or paragraph too long. At the moment that first sentence is far too long. Just a tip from someone who wrote many essays in her time at school.

    So, an alternate opening might go: 'John W. Nordstrom was just sixteen when he left Sweden for New York City.' The sentence is short, sharp and to the point. There's no need to label him an 'immigrant'--which can be seen as a derogatory term.

    'With less than five dollars in his pocket, in hopes of finding the promise of New York City, he made his way across the country to Washington State.' It would be handy to say what this 'promise' is. Is it fortune? Fame? If so, it might be handy to say 'in the hopes of finding his fortune in the city'. It saves mentioning the city again, and also says what exactly he's looking for (even though one could argue that it's already been said by saying how much he had in his pocket.)

    Those little bits would make a passable alternate opening. Opening paragraphs should never be too long. One or two sentences, maybe three, is plenty.

    'John W. Nordstrom was just sixteen when he left Sweden for New York City. With less than five dollars in his pocket, in hopes of finding the promise of New York City, he made his way across the country to Washington State.

    The first few years were not filled with the promise Nordstrum had been looking for. Instead of promise and fortune (?), there was hard labour, in mines and logging camps. Certainly not what he was hoping for.

    Ten years after arriving in America, he picked up a paper that had the headline "Gold Found in the Klondike in Alaska." Thinking that this could be the path to his fortune, Nordstrum packed his things and headed to Alaska.

    Alas, things were no easier in the Klondike. Labour was hard and many had come seeking the riches the rough terrtain had to offer. Despite this, Nordstrum struck lucky and returned to Seattle two years later with his stake of $13,000. He went into business with Carl Wallin, a friend from Alaska, and who owned a small shore repair store in Seattle.

    By 1901 Nordstrum and Wallin had founded what is now known as "Nordstrums', a nationwide speciality retail chain store.'

    ...I guess that's my editing. I would strongly suggest that you edit it yourself, but this is my suggestion.

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