what do you think of this v. short story? Does it make sense? FEEDBACK & WAYS to help it please !!?

She sat on the rock, shaking with the tears that ran down her cheeks. She gently cupped her hands to cover her raw, bloodshot eyes.

The waves lashed at her knees, which she hugged to her chest. So many times she had visited the same rock, in the hope that it would give her inspiration and guidance. But just as the year had changed her, so had her rock, her hideaway from the world. The world that had aged her 19 year old face well beyond it's years. Stress lines and pimples were the only evidence of her past mistakes.

Meg looked out to the water.

" Hey," he muttered, joining her on the rock.

James smiled shyly, then joined her gaze to the ocean.

" Are you alright?" he reached across, gently pulling lose strands of hair behind her ears.

" Do you think it was a mistake coming back?" her blunt honesty shocked James.

"Well…um….ye-no. Maybe? I don't know Meg. It's been a year..." They continued to sit in silence, looking at the ocean and as the sun slowly crept down towards the horizon.

"I have to go," called Meg, sitting up from her beloved rock and making her way along the beach. Each step she took was deeply indented into the sand.

"Wait, please don’t leave!" argued James with his chestnut brown eyes almost illuminating in the dusk.

"Please just let me okay? It was hard enough coming back here. Do you think I would if it wasn't for her?!" Meg swallowed harshly. Old wounds that have some what not healed but blended were ripped off with one seconds notice.

"It was a mistake, but Meg I'm happy. I thought we'd moved on…" That comment cut Meg deep. She felt an ice cold serge of pain run through the center of her throat and down towards her chest.

Meg turned quickly around, and began walking forward, her high heels making it all the more harder to escape the real life nightmare. Suddenly , she felt a holt in her walking. Her black dress had snagged on a large, rotten piece of driftwood. Quickly she spun around, whimpering holding back the tears that made her eyes sting and burn.

"Oh please come off, ****! Just come off !" Meg heard the sound of her own voice, wobbling and frightened. She pulled in one great tug and listened to the material split right along the hem. She started sniffling and made her way down the path she had walked many times. She walked the path like clockwork.

All the while, James was staring at his past in the eye.

He watched as his first love tried to make an escape from him and his world. The night sky had begun to get darker and cooler. He silently watched the path and a small fleeing figure, illuminated by the flickering lamp posts in her path.

James made a giant leap off Meg's beloved rock. He had known of this rock, and when he had received news of her arrival back in town, he'd know where she would be.

He followed her high heel imprints silently and began to shout in fury, guilt and anger. When he finally reached the rotten driftwood, he grabbed the small piece of black material that was caught on by wire connected to the wood.

He then realised something. He should have never let her go...

do you like? it's for a writing competition ! thanks :)

3 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It's good, but perhaps could do with a little more explanation. I like the idea of it being mysterious and all but it probably needs to be explained just a teensy bit more.

    I fixed up a few things that I thought just didn't sound right.

    "Old wounds not healed but simply masked were re-opened without a seconds notice."

    "Quickly she spun around. Whimpering she held back the tears that made her eyes sting and burn."

    "At the same time, James was staring at his past too afraid to blink in case she might disappear altogether."

    "When he finally reached the rotten driftwood, he grabbed the small piece of black material that was caught by wire entangled around it."

    I think you need a stronger ending. Maybe something like:

    With a moments realization he took off after her. He wasn't about to make the same mistake twice; he should have never let her go.

    Good job though and good luck with the competition!

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  • 1 decade ago

    That's actually very interesting.

    However, the central problem I see is that at some parts you tell the reader what is happening in the character's heads, rather than showing them. I understand that in such a short story it's difficult to weave elaborate characters and situations to reveal emotions, but you are losing some believability in certain areas.

    For instance: "Her blunt honesty really shocked James."

    Maybe instead you might tell us something about James' face or his actions that reveals his momentary shock.

    Also: "That comment cut Meg deep. She felt an ice cold surge of pain run through the center of her throat down towards her chest."

    This line would be unnecessary if we had more information about what actually happened before this scene. We would know the characters and situation better, so we would be able to figure out for ourselves how much pain the comment caused Meg. However, since it's a short story, you might say a little something about her reaction, like that she gulped or paused briefly, but cut down on the excessive sentimentality. Sometimes it makes the story sound "cheesy" rather than real and powerful. You have to be really careful, but an extremely emotional story can be written without sentimentality.

    Overall though, I enjoyed this. The characters are represented well for such a short piece, although it does spark interest about what happened before and what will happen after. I'm not sure how well it stands on its own, but I also don't know what kind of competition it's for.

    Source(s): Check out this link for tips on avoiding sentimentality and creating believable emotions: http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/reviews/a/senti...
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  • i do like it!

    the only thing i don't like is the name meg. but that's just a personal preference.

    good luck in the contest!

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