A poem I have written, will you care to read it and share with me your thoughts? Criticism welcome?

Question

The man lying shrouded by misery sits shallowly in the rain

refusing to come down from his cloud

his face masked by yearning and grief from ones windowsill

his true expressions are undesirable

he continues to sit on the street, an unreal man of class fallen

from grace into the squalor of a bottle of bourbon.

From where has the man come? He beckons to me in the foggy

morning sunset, his face not draped in sadness but in shadows,

a shadow man draped in shrouds, my own mind's making for the worst.

He turns from me, where does he wish to take me?

I wonder as I scramble through the hollow suburban streets

bereft of warmness and laughter, only the same dull look upon every

shining face, substituting the image of America for that of a an angel

from grace. The man awaits me as a dog does his master,

casting back head in hopes of pursuit. As I

approach this man I see him for what he is-America.

America! Again you beckon to me with your foulness,

when will you learn you are a country abandoned?

Update:

Thanks Jukebox. :)

I'm glad you like it, and thanks for the comments. I'll admit though, this particular poem came to me solely in a rush, I wrote it all as it was just coming to me.

And yeah Zeppelin, that's basically the message I was attempting to get across, I'm glad you got it. You seem to understand my work better than some others, thanks for your thoughts.

Update 2:

Thanks Law Man, FFAF.

Answer 1

Favorite Answer

extraordinary

perhaps the best piece you've shared...

my thought was... hope to God he's in collage...

at least give your teachers the pleasure of reading your work.

As a young Writer you are showing so much promise that I'm sure you will continue to pare down the imagery to the barest essentials.. I'm assuming that some of your work is very stream of consciousness and I'm curious how much you go over it and craft your phrasing..

a dictionary might give an example of consciousness as the state of being conscious; awareness of one's own existence,thoughts, surroundings, etc.

and here you have given consciousness a definition...

Answer 2

Another great poem! You're casting America away, tired of its ways, and games, right? You've really got a lot of talent for writing.

Answer 3

Whoa! WHOA! Bloody beautiful! How old are you? Are you trying to condemn the American Dream? Or just Americans' emptiness?

Beautiful either way. WRITE ON BROTHER!

Answer 4

Beautiful. I love how you play with entity.

Answer 5

wow....man

I wish I wrote that :)