Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

My writing, what do you think?

this is the prologue to a story i'm writing. what do you think?

Idoram Yassel ran from her tormenter, the strange beast of darkness. Down the hallway in the college she ran. The light fixtures above her head going dark as soon as she was under them; almost as if the creature was absorbing the light into its black maw.

The end of the hallway was coming. If she could not enter one of the rooms she would have garneted death, or worse.

She grabbed at the last door. It was unlocked. She darted into the classroom and attempted to find a weapon. She found nothing but a small pair of nail scissors.

The creature lurked outside for a spell, and Idoram began to hope. But then the doorknob started to spin unhurriedly. Then it opened.

The beast was not what her mind had summoned, a red horned devil with a hammer, it was worse. The creature had black slick skin almost like the consistency of wet leather. Half-Inch long teeth sanguine with the blood of Idoram’s friends. The hands had long sharp Unguis jabbing awakordly out of its knuckles, almost like that canadain freak they show on the news., Idoram thought as her brain drifted in horror.

She lifted the scissors the her chest intending to kil her self but the creature stilfed that with a glair.

As it came nearer, her mind thought back to what brought her here.

She had found that she was a many times great granddaughter of the Afghani poet Abdul Alhazred. He was most known for creating the gods Cthulhu and mi-go.

Idoram’s homework for that week was simple, go back to the dorm with her friends and worship her forefather’s gods. She had gotten some of her best friends together and made a party of it.

But after the incantations had been finished and the blood of a pure virgin had been spilled. This beast rose and had killed her friends gorging itself on their sweet flesh. She had run for some time before it cornered her.

The creature snapped its fingers and Idoram awoke. The creature did its best to smile although its fangs got in the way.

Idoram lunged for the open window; death was better then to face this thing of madness.

But her shirt was caught by the thing and she was hoisted back into the room. It then began to muter in even increasing volume a line of gibberish.

“willa fagtan dtyng hugre Cthulhu veryrn.”

Idoram felt the words begin to pound in her head. Something was entering her mind.

“willa fagtan dtyng hugre Cthulhu veryrn.”

Idoram whimpered as the throbbing increased in power. She searched for something to get the pain out of her head.

“willa fagtan dtyng hugre Cthulhu veryrn.”

Idoram grabbed at a letter opener on the desk. She looked up and saw that the beast was now gone.

The thing once known as Idoram walked out of the room. For the heartless thing once known as Idoram Yassel was now the soulless thing known as the Horla.


Copyright James Bojaciuk 2009.

6 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Although it's not something I would normally read, I think you have a good writing style, pulling the reader along, and anyone into this sort of book would want to read on.

    I feel you need correct some typos and to edit it in a few places. e.g.

    "But then the doorknob started to spin unhurriedly" - I would rephrase this, as spinning is fast, in my mind.

    "Half-Inch long teeth sanguine with the blood of Idoram’s friends" - we know her name, you can just say "her". You need not use her name as often as you do, because we now know her name.

    Keep going, because I think you have got something there!

  • 1 decade ago

    Oh my goodness. You really need to go back and edit this.

    You have some major sentence structure problems that need to be addressed.

    "But after the incantations had been finished and the blood of a pure virgin had been spilled.", is an incomplete sentence.

    There is no such word as "garneted".

    "Down the hallway in the college she ran." sounds very preschool-ish.

    There may be more but I didn't get past the first couple of paragraphs.

    You may have an interesting idea brewing, but you really need to hone up your writing skills.

    Sorry to be brutally honest.

  • Murze
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    I suggest you copyright this before posting it online. Someone could copy it and paste it somewhere else and claim it theirs. But, I read it and I think you have done great.

  • 1 decade ago

    this is very creative work!! you put so much feel and detail into what you're writing. not to mention your very impressive vocabulary.

    i'd love to hear more about your plot, i think you have a very special gift.

    Source(s): i'm writing my own book also.
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  • 1 decade ago

    it's very creative and some what confusing. good job though :) and what was the person who was running away from the creature speaking? wat language?

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    ohh, so good! and very creative! AWESEOME!!!!!!!!! nicely done!

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