is it normal to feel betrayed by your husband when you catch him looking at porn?
I was on my period for the past week, during which time my husband was feeling the urge, and I found out he had looked up porn to get off. He didn't tell me this; I had to approach him on it. I don't want to be told "get used to it, it's normal... etc" because in a loving and respectful marriage, it does not have to be normal. wives should not have to accept that their husbands need to look at other naked bodies to get off.
my question is then, does anyone else feel somewhat betrayed by discovering this? It feels like some trust is broken.
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I think it's normal that you want to be the all that your husband needs for sexual satisfaction, both physically and mentally. I know there are other perspectives on that - and respect whatever works for a couple in nurturing their healthy relationship - but overall I'd guess that the majority of people would prefer to be the sole object of their mate's desire. When you discovered that your mate found satisfactory mental stimulation from something external to your relationship, maybe it degraded the presumption of total exclusivity you held, some sense of security in your relationship, and prompts the question of what does that person have that I don't - why am I not sufficient? It can undermine your confidence in yourself and your relationship.
I also think it's normal for guys (and girls) to fantasize, and porn is something commonly used by both genders to enhance that process.
I would also agree that watching porn does not have to be normal in a relationship, but to believe that it's the first & last time your husband will look at it would be delusional in my opinion. Even so, it doesn't mean that you're not the one he desires most and has and will remain true to.
Don't make the mistake of equating watching porn with having an actual extra-marital affair. If you psychologically prosecute your husband for watching porn in what you feel is the same consequences for having a real life physical/romantic breach of your relationship then what does he stand to lose by differentiating between the two himself? That's pushing a relationship onto unecessarily dangerous ground in my opinion.
To sum it up, I wouldn't say "get used to it", but "get through it": if you want a healthy, mutually trusting relationship based on reality then the two of you will have to honestly communicate about how to address his needs and your expectations in a constructive manner going forward. Given the potential for heightened emotions in this discourse, I'd suggest seeking a marriage counselor with whom you both are able to establish rapport. That's the difficult but most effective way to a long term solution.
Or take the easy way out: Tell him that everyone - at least those with any moral sense (i.e. the ones you happen to agree with) on the internet said he's a betraying bastard, threaten him with dire consequences if it ever happens again, then ask him to promise that it won't, to which you'll probably get the answer you want to hear.
Then prepare for round two when it happens again. And prepare yourself for the possibility that the man who may *really* only desire you will be emotionally pushed away by your psychological prosecution.
- 1 decade ago
I don't know your age, but would you rather video or the real thing. You may not feel comfortable with porn, but it can be harmless or a help. Maybe your husband looks at it to learn new things to help with the sex in your marriage. This is something that a man will never admit! Try watching it with him instead of making an argument out of it. Don't make him feel like he has to leave the house to see porn or you might create something that you are not ready for. Have you ever watched porn? did you watch it with your husband before you got married and feel that now that you are married you shouldn't be watching it? Just because he watches porn does not mean that you are not in a respectful marriage. Don't you know men think about sex much more than women! Buy some sexy new lingerie and think about how you can create your own excitement in your bedroom. You shouldn't feel betrayed. You are taking this much too far. You have to be open minded. When you get married, it should be forever, right? Well, did you ever think about how long that is. Keep the spark that ignited you guys together in the first place going. You think he wasn't watching porn before you got married? Believe me, he's been doing that probably since his teen years. Get a good book on relationships and sex and how to keep it hot in the bedroom. Talk to your husband about this without sounding like a tight skirt. Every man wants a wife in the kitchen and a freak in the bedroom. Sometimes as wives we have to be both! Think about it. Its just too much competition out there. Many blessings.Source(s): my life!
- CindyLuLv 71 decade ago
You are over reacting. I know all about loving and respectfull marriage but some of this IS norma. You would do a lot better to calm down and sit down and maybe take a look with him. The man does not have to tell you about ever thought word and deed in his life and that is not anything against you or your marriage it is a part of being human. Men look, like it or not and you are not gonna change that . All you can do is have him start to hideit and you will be making it all the more sweet to him when he has to sneak and steal glances. Your husband's occassional watching of porn can be a healthy boon to your marriage and it can do a lot to keep him from cheating. You get to see what he likes and he gets to get that at home instead of looking elsewhere. Too many wives get hung up on this and make it an issue when it really is not. You can't beat this but you can make it work to your advantage if you are wise. Take a word to the wise from an old wife with a 30 year happy marriage under her belt.
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- VolksLv 71 decade ago
Wow, you are in some serious denial girl!
First of all, if he likes porn enough to get off on it, he probably has looked at porn before...this wasn't just a one-time thing because you had your period.
Secondly, he likely doesn't "need to look at other naked bodies to get off", men (and some women) just like the visual part of porn sometimes. It's not about being able to "get off".
Third, why would you feel that you are betrayed? Have you not ever taken a little look at a good-looking guy walking down the street or passing by in a store? I'm sure you have.
That doesn't make you a slut, it doesn't mean you've betrayed your husband, and it doesn't mean he can no longer trust you. But the same goes for him looking at porn. He didn't cheat on you, he still finds you attractive, and you can still trust him.
If you're upset more that he hid it from you than that he looked at porn, then you need to think about your reaction about the porn...it's obvious why he hid it.
- HoneyLv 61 decade ago
No, that's not normal although some women do feel that way. I think it's insecure and immature. If you were on your period and you were unable to have sex, I assume you expect him to wait until your period was gone to be sexually satisfied? I'm curious as to how you found out if he didn't tell you AND what would you have expected him to say. I can't see why you'd feel betrayed unless you offered him head and he refused, choosing to look at porn rather than get satisfaction from you. If you knew that he was aroused but did nothing to assist, it's your fault he had to turn elsewhere. It would only be wrong if he turned you down.
Wives who do nothing to sexually satisfy their husbands should accept that their husband have alternative means of getting off.
- 1 decade ago
I understand where you are coming from. But, I also agree with one of the other posts in that, if he is at home looking then he is not out touching! Do you see what we mean? What you are feeling is normal. A form of jealousy, and it is justified that you feel a trust is broken. But is he trying to hide it or lie about it b/c if not then, he is just being a man with a wife on her P. LOL Hope that helps a little!
- 1 decade ago
It never bothers me that my husband looks at porn. I would much rather him being at home looking at women he can never have than out cheating on me with women that he can have. Lol. Anyway, it;s really a personal preference though. I have friends that are bothered by and and friends that aren't. I personally don't care. As long as he's home then it's okay in my book.
- Epona WillowLv 71 decade ago
Not all women feel as you do.
I am in a loving and respectful marriage and we both enjoy porn.
- 1 decade ago
You are right to feel that way porn is cheating it's wrong slap him