Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

This may be the meanest question I've ever asked... but I am totally serious and want honest answers?

Sorry if this appears twice but Y/A appears to be having problems today.

Have you ever seen someone who is (or appears to be) married, and it is obvious they make no effort whatsoever to make themselves attractive for their spouse?

My husband and I were walking into a store last night and walking out was a family (or it looked to be) with 3 kids. The mother was about 350 lbs, her hair was basically a 1-inch high afro, her shirt was too tight and her belly was sticking out the bottom, and she had bits of hair growing on her face in places it shouldn't be. My husband said - and honestly it was not meant to be funny or even insulting - that she might be the most unattractive person he's ever seen, and I have to agree she's a top contender.

We've all seen people like this. This isn't a slag against overweight people - there were many things she can easily do to improve herself even without losing the weight. I'm talking about people who clearly don't give a damn, and I wonder how their spouse sees it.

I'm sure many will not actually read it carefully or understand my question and think I have something against unattractive people. But I am really asking - how happy can the spouses be of people who obviously make no effort whatsoever? I can only guess this man must think his wife just doesn't care what he thinks... but I suppose maybe he really doesn't care himself.

I prepare for the wave of hate email....


The husband was not really attractive but he was shaven, wearing clothes appropriate for his body, etc... i.e he was presentable. He did not strike me as especially appallingly UNattractive.

He makes SOME effort is what I mean.

Update 2:


Can't afford a comb??? They are like 45 cents. Even people in the poorest parts of the world have combs. Even a cheap-azz hairbrush is like 2 bucks.

They were coming out of a store with probably $200 worth of groceries. And she had a cell phone. So although they did strike me as relatively poor..

For $30 I could buy her a hair brush, a pair of tweezers, and a cheap outfit at WalMart that would look FAR better.

Update 3:

Daddy's Girl I am not making fun of anyone. I want to know how people like this think.

I find it hard to presume he is OK with it, but I am willing to accept the possibility.

I am not talking about people who are just plain unattractive. I am talking about people who do ZERO to make themselves attractive.

Update 4:

Yes I saw Amber's answer. But I don't retalliate or name call (except for trolls).

I made a lot of people mad. I knew I would.

Of COURSE it's not "all about looks". Duh.

Update 5:

One last thing....

I find it interesting how most people who yell at me for "judging people" are also calling me a slu t, skan k, or otherwise insulting (i.e. judging) me.

We ALL judge. The biggest difference between you and me is that I don't lie and say I don't.

Update 6:

One more last thing again LOL

The woman in "Shallow Hal" is not the kind of person I am talking about. She was simply obese. She still brushed her hair/teeth, and wore appropriate clothing. She was simply obese... not appalling.

50 Answers

  • opetke
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    You are absolutely correct.

    Ladies and Gentlemen,

    The piousness of some responders to this question is reprehensible. This woman, whomever she was, CHOSE (as a mature human being) to look like an ungroomed animal whilst in society. This was HER CHOICE.

    Now, because she has the equal and unquestionable authority to make HER CHOICE, the choice to look as if she lives on swarms of krill, the why are so many responders afraid to allow her the CONSEQUENCES of her choice?

    In other words, is it not morally correct to denigrate those who make poor or immoral choices, in the hopes that they and others around them make better ones?

    If you dress like a carnival field hand, you will be accorded that level of respect. If you feel this is not enough, then work hard, make sacrifices, and present yourself in a more respectable fashion.

    And this is not limited to clothing. I've seen men in Armani suits who I wouldn't give a mop job. I've seen men in Carharts who stood with dignity, pride, and courage. But in all situations, these individuals CHOSE how to present themselves, allowing for the judgments that resulted.

    Can we, in good conscious, deny them our judgment? How else are they to know what is morally correct, astetically pleasing, or culturally acceptable?

    Would your disposition improve if you shared an elevator with a man wearing a Swastika? How about a priest's collar? How about a man who stank so unbearably, that you prayed the elevator would move faster?

    Do you think this stinky man does not deserve your contempt?

    Or are these posters generally afraid of the criticism leveled against them for their inappropriate actions?

    If so, then their piousness is not motivated by "fairness" or "equality" or "goodwill".....'s motivated by fear.

    And I submit to you that any action motivated purely by fear cannot be trusted and is not a moral action.

    We live under the judgment of others; to judge and be judged.

    When I see a young boy with seven tattoos and a dozen piercings in his face.....

    ....I don't take secret delight in despairing him....

    ....but neither will I add to his impression that such an appearance is acceptable in our society. This young boy is going to find that many doors close upon him for his choices.

    Those of you who say "Judge Not!", condemn this boy to isolation, poverty, and duplicity.

    Those us who say "Clean up your act, you freak!", have shown this boy what the world truly thinks of him. He might resent it in the short term. There is no doubt his feelings will be hurt.

    But in such fires are strong alloys made.

    This woman, wearing a mumu and resembling an Orca.....

    ...she doesn't need your pity. Pity is a useless emotion.

    She needs our contempt. Then perhaps, with a broken heart, she'll be able to look herself in the mirror and say "That does it! I'm going to lose this weight, buy some clothes, grow some hair, and clean up my act; both for myself, and my family."

    And when she has, she'll have EARNED the RESPECT she's been craving.

    Good Question!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Okay, I am one of those been there unkempt women that now takes a lot of pride in their appearance. First and foremost ANYBODY is going to feel better and less depressed even if they already are depressed if they will do the best with what they have and practice at least good hygiene. Then the more that they WILL and CAN do with their appearance will improve their self esteem by 110%. I am living proof of that and up until 3 months ago after 22 years of marriage I could go 6 months not put makeup and lied to the world and myself that I was comfortable with it. Now I won't so much as go for a jog without at least eyeliner and lipstick.

    My marriage has gotten a much needed boost. I probably do, no, I know that I do have a husband that loves me unconditionally and will stay with me through thick and thin but that is no good excuse to let him look at a hag because of it.

    I like myself a hell of a lot more and if people are going to be haten on you for your question don't worry about it because there maybe a few that might realize that they resemble your remark and do something about it and be thankful you posted it. If there is any correct place to ask something of this nature, this forum is most certainly it.

    More of my 2 cents....This has just gone over some of these peoples heads, this is not about hating or judging for most it is actual concern. I wished I had woke up years ago.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I don't understand the anger. Some people focus and school, some people focus on looks, some people focus on being the party animal, some do all of the above.

    We all know folks that may have wretched taste or no taste at all in terms of their appearance. They have obviously reached a comfort-level with their condition (recognize and mitigate), are in denial, recognize the issue, but are not motivated enough to do anything about it, or have given up (don't give a darn).

    So, how does a husband react? It depends on their relationship with the spouse in question. From a health and attraction perspective, most husbands would be motivated to have a healthier, more fit, wife.

    From a relationship perspective ;however, appearance and weight are very touchy subjects. A couple you observed may not be capable of an honest conversation over such an issue. Objectively, the health aspect of the discussion is most important, but would serve as an entré regardless.

    So some of the variables are as follows:

    1. attitude to the husband

    2. attitude of the wife

    3. spousal relationship

    4. genetics

    5. wealth (range of solutions and wherewithal to remedy)

    6. Their own societal pressures.

    There are obviously others, but this should give you an idea of the situation can be impacted by a number of factors.

    And yes there are men who like large women.



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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    wow some people on here need to relax. This is not a meat question... Ok I'll admit when I'm at home I don't bother with makeup or fancy clothes. I wear the comfortable stuff at home. If I go out in public (even if it is just to the store and back) I will look presentable but not all done up. I only get all done up if we are going out for the evening or something like that. This is only because it takes me like 1 - 2 hours to get ready for a night out. No sense in doing all that just to go shopping or something. But I do see what you mean. Some people just let themselves go. and if you feel bad about the way you look already then really the last thing you want to do is look in a mirror. I know when I had my son, I gained 65 lbs. I was feeling so bad about the way I looked that the last thing I wanted to do was try and look good. I sure wasn't feeling good. but now that I've lost most of the weight I think I'm back to my old self in the trying to look good department.

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  • 1 decade ago

    When talking to people like the one you are referring to. I have come to find many of them have a mental illness of one kind or another. Or are greatly uneducated. I know a few decent people who have total slobs for significant others. I am not sure why one would live like that. I guess some people just do not care. I agree with you. A person should make the best of what they have. Thank god in america everyone has access to soap and water. Unfortunately not every one uses it. And yes even homeless people have access to it. If you go to a food bank and tell them you need stuff for self Hygiene, they will give you all the stuff Toothbrush & paste, comb, soap, laundry soap. So poverty is no excuse

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  • 1 decade ago

    Hey I live in northern Indiana, this is standard appearance around here! Not only is there a high rate of obesity (in the top 5 states) but the women don't even brush their hair before going out, and sometimes you wonder when they bathed last! Dressing up in this area seems to be exchanging tight sweats for tight jeans. These women don't have a lick of self respect and it shows. And the saddest thing is that their children are dirty and unkempt as well, they can't even set an example for their children. This is not making fun, being mean or anything like that. It is a simple observation. It takes 10 minutes to wash up, brush your hair and put on a decent, clean outfit.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Just a question, first... what did HE look like? I mean, was he also disheveled and appeared to be careless about his looks?

    I guess I can see this two ways. Perhaps he too didn't appear to care about his appearance so he doesn't say anything to her. OR, perhaps they are not superficial enough that this is a problem for them. I'm not saying that you are superficial, but everyone has their standards.... I mean, we have Jerry Springer on TV - clearly there are enough people in the world to keep him on the air! On the flip side, you have "Top Model" and shows like that that glamorize appearances, etc.

    I guess it just depends on whether it's an issue for him. Now, admittedly, I don't want to look at rolls of fat hanging over clothes and shirts that are too small and "muffin tops" hanging out - but it's not necessarily the very overweight who do this!! Just go into a mall and you can see that!

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  • 1 decade ago

    She may be depressed to the point that she just does not care. I can no think of one reason, including being lazy, that any one would do that to themselves. All people have a preference in what they like and want in life. The weight is not really the issue. The person is "unkept" That comes from the inside.

    The thing is, now that the insurance companies have gone after the smokers, the obese are next. They just do not know it yet.

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  • Shadow
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Honestly, I think this is more a sociological problem vs a relationship problem. What I mean is, she was probably ill advised on how to care for herself, and probably doesn't have the will if she was. The point is, she's so far gone, that the thought of looking presentable for her husband didn't even cross her mind because she doesn't take the time to presentable for HERSELF (i.e. out in public where, like it or not, people judge.)

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  • 1 decade ago

    If that woman is happy then who cares how she looks? Maybe she's depressed, on medication, or simply could care less. Not knowing what she looks like day to day is not enough to base anything on.When people get comfortable it's so easy to get lost. In the end I guess any spouse that haves a loved one that no longer cares about their appearence, see the person they fell in love with. We can assume but unless we are in their shoes we will never know.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    (Oh honey that was me! I looked slammin too.) What do you expect to look or feel like after having 3 kids? Okay so maybe that wasn't me you saw but on the other hand her husband or BF obviously sees something else in her that he likes/loves other wise he wouldn't of had or put up with all them kids. Im lucky if I can make it out the door with out some sort of stain on my shirt or gum or slobber from my 3 kids. Sometimes a person is just too busy with kids they tend to forget about there own personal appearance. Now there is no judgment in my answer at all what so ever and I will not judge you for your question but sometimes you don't know what another person is going through. Try not to assume ignorance.

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