Anyone plz critique 2 version of my CV?

First one is mine, and the second one it was edited from somebody else. I do not appreciate how he changed the entire structure of my paragraphs and all of my sentences contains over use of the word "I". I believe it should be use sparingly to maintain professionalism. i admit my sentence structures... show more First one is mine, and the second one it was edited from somebody else. I do not appreciate how he changed the entire structure of my paragraphs and all of my sentences contains over use of the word "I". I believe it should be use sparingly to maintain professionalism.

i admit my sentence structures never appear Concise, i've encounter many grammar and run on problems before and always struggle to use accurate vocabularies for certain situation, that's why we have ppl edit for us right?

can anyone comment on the both


First
The open position notice for CSR rep is an accurate match between your job requirements and my qualifications. Adopting the personality of an extrovert, a position involves of interacting with variety of people of different background and to assist those in needs just intrigues me to apply. This job position is an opportunity to utilize my attributes to contribute the overall mission of the company. I am a highly motivated and enthusiastic college student with a good knowledge of the company’s products and services

Able to use own initiative and work under pressure to meet challenging deadlines / objectives which have contributed to my progress and success. First class communication, interpersonal skills and fluency in Cantonese allows me the skill with determination needed to succeed. Excellent exposure in the field of customer servicing and easily adapt into any business environment within short period of time. Furthermore, I am Computer literate in Microsoft Word and Excel. From my experience from past employers, I have developed self confidence, self disciplinary and strong work ethic to maintain efficiency in my performances. Previous employment experiences are from well known companies includes Ramada Hotel, Subway, and Ye Hong retirement center.

I have strong interest in learning more of this industry and am highly anticipated of working in an environment encompassed of challenges and opportunities ahead. An opportunity to further discuss the attributes you are seeking in an employee to fill this position would be greatly appreciated. My daily schedules are always organized and flexible, therefore you may reach me for an interview at any given time. Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Second
I am qualified for the job of a CSR representative. I enjoy interacting with various people from different background, and I love to assist those in need. This job position is an opportunity for me to contribute to the overall mission of the company. I am motivated and enthusiastic with a good knowledge of your company’s products and services, and I can enhance your company's image by providing customer-focused services. I am initiative and can work under pressure to meet challenging deadlines or objectives.

I have good interpersonal skills, and I am fluent in Cantonese. This contributes to my strong will and determination to succeed. I am experienced in the field of customer service and can easily adapt in any business environment within short time. Furthermore, I am computer-literate in Word and Excel. From my experience from my past employers, I have developed more self confidence, self discipline, and a strong work ethic. My previous employment experiences are from several well-known companies such as Ramada Hotel, Subway, and Ye Hong retirement center.

I have a strong interest to learn more about this industry, and I can work in an environment with many challenges and opportunities. I would appreciate an opportunity to discuss further my skills and how I can contribute to your company. You may reach me for an interview at any time. Thank you for your consideration.
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