Can anyone tell me what is wrong with this piece of story, please?

I have written this a while back and had gotten negative feedback from another writer. She did not bother to tell me what was wrong about it so I am asking you guys to help me see what's wrong and help me improve it. Here goes:

My name is Blaise Redfern. I am a vampire and that is the truth. The stories told about my kind are not precisely true. I do not turn into ashes under sun rays nor am I afraid to set foot in a church. I cannot make another of my kind just by making him or her drink my blood. However, my blood can accomplish miracles, being superior to that of humans. My blood has healing powers and that is a curse for me right now as I stand outside the window of my friend who is about to lose his life. Gary Summers is a friend from high school and he has got Leukemia. I have to restrain myself from waking him up as he lays still on his bed, resting. He has been doing that a lot lately. Turning him into a vampire would make him one the most powerful creatures to walk this earth and above all, he will be perfectly healthy. However doing this could expose her world. A world that wants to stay hidden. Gary knows about me all right- what I can do but he has never insisted that I help him. Well, maybe sometimes a few not so subtle hints. I have been giving him a sip of my blood every week just to keep him going but not to make him one of my kind. If the others knew they'll kill me. A stab in the heart, especially with a wooden weapon would be lethal. Any other wound would heal immediately, having no effect in the long run.But who would stab me? I have the strengh of five men, the reflexes of the mother of all cats. There is not a system of physical combat that I'm not a master at. A dozen black belts could corner me and I could make a dress fit for a vampire out of the sashes that hold their fighting jackets closed. But there are others out there. I am just a young vampire. Well, vampires do not age unless they choose to do so. I chose to preserve my body at a young age by human standards because I like it that way. Vampires can live on and on. Thousands of centuries. They all grow more powerful as decades pass by. They learn to survive on less blood. I am thirty years old. Very young for a vampire. I have just learnt to survive on lesser blood but there is so much to learn. There are much older vampires out there. But my strength is by no means much lesser than them. That is because I have been turned into a vampire by a very powerful one. In fact the most powerful one.I smiled as a stared at Gary. He was peaceful now. I had given me my blood just yesterday. It was time to go. I jumped so high one could imagine I could fly.

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  • 1 decade ago
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    Ok, granted that there are many books about vampires, such as Twilight as people have said, that shouldn't have anything to do with how your particular story is written. Aside from the vampire idea, you have no spelling mistakes and your grammar is alright. The writing is actually very mature and not amateur. One thing I would change is, "..and he has got Leukemia." You need to take out "got" and it should be just this, "...and he has Leukemia."

    EDIT: I agree that you shouldn't really start sentences with "but".

    Connect the sentences with "and" instead: "There are much older vampires out there, but my strength is by no means much lesser than them."

    Or use a comma: "However, doing this could expose her world, a world that wants to stay hidden."

    EDIT again: Geez people, you are all acting as if he's the worst writer ever. I admit that he might not be perfect, but he is better than a lot of people on here. Besides, the editor is the one who changes the minor sh** that you guys are talking about. I mean, yes, the writer should know how to write correctly, but you can't expect him to catch every single, little, tiny mistake.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Honestly? It's bland. There's nothing in it that made me want to read further. Start with something dramatic that will grab the readers by the neck and make it impossible for them to put down. The first sentence needs to be powerful. Leave the autobiographical stuff for later.

    Also, there is far too much info dumping going on here. After your hook, I'd fade into how Gary had left subtle hints that he wanted to be a vampire. From there, explain why he wants to be one. Any qualities of a vampire that don't fit into that - how they can control their aging, for example - can be worked in later. You don't have to shove everything down the reader's throat at once. Really, it's better not to.

    I never got the feeling that the narrator cared very much for Gary. It seemed like a forced friendship. Make it apparent that he wants to help his friend, but isn't willing to risk his life on it - or make it clear that he doesn't consider Gary's friendship valuable. One way or the other, make a choice, and make it early on.

    "The stories told about my kind are not precisely true," is completely unnecessary. We'll get that when you tell us about the vampires.

    "But my strength is by no means much lesser than them. That is because I have been turned into a vampire by a very powerful one. In fact the most powerful one." This screams of a Gary Stu to me. Why would who changed you make a difference? Be careful with this. There's nothing wrong with it as long as there's a very good reason for it, but be sure to make that reason clear. (Perhaps explain how you DO become a vampire, too - all I saw was that Hollywood had it wrong.)

    Also, watch your tenses. They kind of go everywhere.

    Join a few of your sentences together; connect things. Hundreds of small, disjointed sentences aren't easy to read. They're boring and they often don't feel like they belong together. Connections also make the story flow better.

    Overall, it's a good story. Don't listen to the people who will undoubtedly judge it just because it has a vampire in it. It would be nice to read about something else, but if you enjoy vampires, by all means, keep writing about them! Watch your story telling, though. Show your readers emotions and show them more about the narrator - don't just tell them facts. It gets boring. Polish this up, and it could be a great story!

    Good luck! =D

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  • 1 decade ago

    My name is Blaise Redfern(lame start). I am a vampire and that is the truth(that is the truth? cheeesy!). The stories told about my kind are not precisely true. I do not turn into ashes under sun rays nor am I afraid to set foot in a church. I cannot make another of my kind just by making him or her drink my blood. However, my blood can accomplish miracles, being superior to that of humans. My blood has healing powers and that is a curse for me right now as I stand outside the window of my friend who is about to lose his life. Gary Summers is a friend from high school and he has(get rid of got) Leukemia. I have to restrain myself from waking him up as he lays still on his bed, resting. He has been doing that a lot lately. Turning him into a vampire would(change to will) make him one the most powerful creatures to walk this earth and (add comma)above all, he will be perfectly healthy. However doing this could expose her(so we're changing point of view? shouldn't this be our) world. A world that wants(needs not wants?) to stay hidden. Gary knows about me all right- what I can do(add ?) But(add comma) he has never insisted that I help him. Well, maybe sometimes a few not(add -)so(add -) subtle hints. I have been giving him a sip of my blood every week just to keep him going(add comma) but not to make him one of my kind. If the others knew they'll(they'd not they'll) kill me. A stab in the heart, especially with a wooden weapon would be lethal. Any other wound would heal immediately, having no effect in the long run.But who would stab me? I have the strengh(spelling) of five men, the reflexes of the mother of all cats(random much?). There is not a system of physical combat that I'm not a master at. A dozen black belts could corner me and I could make a dress fit for a vampire out of the sashes that hold their fighting jackets closed. But there are others out there. I am just a young vampire. Well, vampires do not age unless they choose to do so. I chose to preserve my body at a young age by human standards because I like it that way. Vampires can live on and on. Thousands of centuries. They all grow more powerful as decades pass by. They learn to survive on less blood. I am thirty years old. Very young for a vampire. I have just learnt(making up words???) to survive on lesser blood (add comma) but there is

    *still* so much to learn. There are much older vampires out there. But my strength is by no means much lesser(much lesser? never add 2 greater comparatives!) than them. That is because I have been turned into a vampire by a very powerful one. In fact the most powerful one.I smiled as I NOT A stared at Gary. He was peaceful now. I had given me(him?) my blood just yesterday. It was time to go. I jumped so high one could imagine I could fly(FAKE)

    umm sorry, not well written, lacks basic grammar and punctuation skills.

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  • 1 decade ago

    'I am a vampire and that is the truth. The stories told about my kind are not precisely true.'

    You need to have a paragraph after the first sentence.

    'I jumped so high one could imagine I could fly.'

    That rhymes and sounds lame. Change it.

    The whole thing sounds like you're a pokemon or something. This could be good if you cut the first two lines (ever heard of subtlety). Start with Gary having leukaemia and show the dilemma, then revealing that the narrator is a vampire. Cut all the 'I could go from 0-60 in 2 seconds' stuff.

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  • 1 decade ago

    okay, I'm not a writer but I don't see anything really wrong. Other then you don't have any paragraphs. (which I'm sure you DID but you just tried to fit it all into the yahoo text box.)

    It was also a little hard to read because you would go onto another 'topic' but it was also really informative. Or maybe a better way to put it is you went into the details of THIS vampire or what these 'kind' of vampires are, ect. sorry if I'm confusing.

    I'm interested in reading more, do you have a site with your works/ do you write fan fiction for any sites? Link me? :)

    Oh also, It might be your 'grammar' that's bad. I cant really help you there though, cos my grammar sucks to! :D

    Maybe This?

    "Vampires can live on and on. Thousands of centuries."

    "Vampires can live on and on for Thousands of centuries."

    Maybe when we read we have to many . <- or "pause" to much. They might also be whats wrong.

    Good Luck!

    SEE BELLE SAID TO! "Well for one your sentences are mostly very short, which makes it kind of slow and boring, try to use more linking words and write more complex sentences" =)

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  • 1 decade ago

    Imagine an elderly person telling "Yo Mama" jokes.

    OR

    Imagine Bob Saggat doing stand up comedy.

    OR

    Imagine William Shatner rapping.

    That is how your story sounds to me. Your information about this particular vampire and vampires in general is long-winded and not interesting.

    He's (your vampire's) not very good at bragging. He sounds like a five year old telling someone else that he is better than him/her. I imagine him as sort of a Star Trek/Star Wars geek (or better yet.... a Twilight geek).

    I imagine you, the writer must have been around 8 years old when you wrote this and sort of a Power Rangers fan or something.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Because your plot is EXACTLY like the Sookie Stackhouse series. You need to "show" and not "tell" your readers the action of your story. Your sentences are short. Like this. Really boring. Couldn't read it all. And your character is flat because he/she is too perfect. Again, boring.

    However, that does NOT mean you should stop writing. Just like any talent, it can develop over time. Try a different story line. Practice a lot. I do appreciate your editing though; at least your paragraph wasn't full of typos. Good luck and keep at it.

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  • Rachel
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    you are just describing the character, not the surroundings, or people or other places. you need to focus more on who will be reading the piece, not the one who is writing it. i am a Writer as well. i may not be the most experienced writer in the world, but i know that writing is hard. this is a good piece, you just need to have more "umphf" if you know what i mean. i think that if you focused more on the person who turned the new vamp. and also focused on the dieing friend, it would be much better. maybe when you work on it someone, i could read it? i love to read other writers work. MSN: pinkandblackbows@hotmail.com

    Source(s): i hope that i helped!!!!!
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Well, it's a thirty line single paragraph of plotdump where the character tells us how wonderful he is.

    Oh no, her world could be exposed - but Gary already knows about it! What's the problem? You need a much better plot device than that.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Well for one your sentences are mostly very short, which makes it kind of slow and boring, try to use more linking words and write more complex sentences. Also, was there an assignment or is this just a random story you wrote? Don't start sentences with 'but', mind your tenses. And add some comical elements or some action, that will make a more interesting read.

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