Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Entertainment & MusicJokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago

What is the funniest thing that you have ever read on a church bulletin board ?

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    -free trip to heaven inside!

    -sign broken... -message inside

    -this is a ch_ _ch... what's missing? (U R a.k.a. you are)

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  • 1 decade ago

    1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

    2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

    3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

    4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

    6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

    7. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

    8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor."

    9. Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

    10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

    11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

    12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

    13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

    14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    16. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    17. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

    18. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

    19. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

    20. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

    21. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

    22. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

    25. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

    26. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

    27. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

    28. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

    29. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    30. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

    31. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

    32. Evening massage - 6 p.m.

    33. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

    34. Ushers will eat latecomers.

    35. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

    36. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

    37. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

    38. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

    39. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

    40. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

    41. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

    42. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

    43. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

    44. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

    45. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"

    P

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Alcoholics Anonymous Meeting Canceled Priest has hangover!! lol

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  • 4 years ago

    Okay, but I've heard most of them before. However, I'm sure a lot of folks found them quite humorous.

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  • 1 decade ago

    In China:

    (translated into english, obviously not very well)

    Verse of the day: Jesus says: Behold, I come quickly....

    (meant to be I am coming soon.)

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    "A bean supper will be served at 6, followed by music."

    "A weight watcher's meeting will be held in the lobby. Please use the double doors on the east side of the church."

    Oh my gosh.

    LOL

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  • "Church has been cancelled - On account of everyone becoming a Jehovah's Wittnesses"

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  • "under the same management for over 20,000 years"

    :)

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  • 1 decade ago

    idk i only go to church during the summer w/ my grandma. the one thing i remember i saw was:

    bus transportation for handicapped, unabled, or old people.

    lol i was like old people?

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  • 1 decade ago

    "Remember to bring your umbrella today, God might water his garden today."

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