Advice on letting the father of my baby in the delivery room--(sorry it's so long)?
I'm 14w2d pregnant with my first baby. I was engaged when I got pregnant and everything was perfectly fine. However, over Thanksgiving, we broke up. I had huge issues with his sister. My ex and I were planning a housewarming party and his sister ever so willingly, did my registry with my fiance and didn't even ask if it was okay. She sent out invitations to her side of the family, but not mine. Also, she told me the date and it was on my grandfather's birthday and I told them my conflict and his entire family got mad at me. Not to mention the fact that she bought my baby's first outfit. I just feel like she's taking over. The thing is, my ex took up for her, and totally abandoned me and purposely made me seem selfish and told his family that I was being a B****. Some of it may seem trivial, but the fact is that he didn't even try to see things from my perspective, as it had been that way for several months, and I just couldn't take anymore. He and his sister both ganged up on me, telling me I was crazy, when all I did was calmly explain my feelings. He just completely changed all of a sudden and I found out that he was inviting girls to move in with him and he was slandering my name in e-mails to people, which they forwarded to me. And they threatened to take me court over my engagement ring and my baby.
Ever since the breakup, I've received several threatening texts and e-mails from both my ex and his sister, telling me that he's going to get full custody, he's going to make the baby have his last name, and he's going to have all the rights. I know he can't do this, but it really got to me, and caused me unnecessary stress to the point where I was actually throwing up from crying so much. He talked to his attorney and now that he found out that I have all the power, he's been sucking up to me, but again, harassing me. I've logged all the times he's called when I've told him to stop, he just doesn't get it.
Basically, I wanted to get some opinions on whether or not I should let my ex be in the delivery room with me. I just can't seem to get over all the stress he has caused me. My take on it is if he couldn't man up then, he sure as hell can't do it now. Why should he be there watching me go through all the pain, knowing that he will just cause me stress? I don't want him touching me, I don't want him near me. The thought of it makes me cringe. He didn't even help me look for insurance and because of him not helping me or supporting me, I had to apply for Medicaid and WIC and just lost the best OB/GYN because she doesn't accept Medicaid. I'm just really bitter, but I am trying not to be selfish. I have done everything else alone (dr's appts, paying out of pocket for appts, applying for medicaid, etc) why not at the delivery as well?
Sorry so long! Just pissed!
Thank you! I loved reading all your responses...I needed a good laugh! I'm still open to anything and if he decides to make a turnaround, that's great. I want him in my baby's life. But he is going to pay $$$literally...bastard.
Ima Vegan--I'm definitely keeping this baby though. I don't believe in abortion at all.
Thank you, but it isn't a "self-esteem" issue. If I really acted on my feelings, I wouldn't call him until after I was home and nursing and say, "Oh...sorry. I delivered." I'm trying to be considerate to both my ex and our baby, especially the baby.
I've tried so hard to work it out, but all of this is so hard mentally, physically, financially. Thanks for your answers!
I'm really thinking about the magazine and change thing though haha :]
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
ARE YOU NUTS?? I am not saying that to you to be a rude b****! I mean why would you do that to yourself.
PLEASE take this advice to heart...the man is stressing you to the point of sickness NOW. Now, picture yourself in more pain than you can imagine right now (without having experienced it). Do you really want a person like this near you then?? NO, no you dont! You will need people there who will support you and comfort you, not add additional stress. Plus, what happens if you have an emergency section and get put to sleep. The 'coach' has full control if there is a problem and you are not concious.
Do NOT allow this man to be within 10 feet of you during labor and delivery. Allow him to come AFTER if you wish but not during labor. Have a friend or your mom there. They will be able to help you and you can trust them to make the appropriate decisions if needed.
Good luck and congrats
eta: please ignore Ima Vegan's "advice". That's right...the problem is the 'sperm donor' of a father, go ahead and have an abortion?!?! WTF lady?? She's asking if she should have him in the DELIVERY ROOM, thereby meaning she's having the baby!!!!!
- CarlaLv 44 years ago
So tell her that. The most important thing is that you feel as comfortable as possible (relatively speaking, under the circumstances). It is definitely an intimate moment, to say the least, with your genitals splayed out and on display for the world to see. I don't see the need to have a crowd in there at that particular moment, and if you feel the same way, you need to make your feelings known. I am amazed at the number of mothers and mothers in-law these days who seem to feel like they're entitled to be in the delivery room. I doubt a single one of them had any other family members present when they gave birth.
- sukiLv 51 decade ago
well, firstly good on you for deciding to go ahead with having the baby...not that I'm anti abortion, but I did exactly the same thing with my daughter - found out in time, and that I was gonna be on my own, but couldn't abort the baby. She has not missed out by not having a father...indeed, she's at uni now, so all those people who think coming from a single parent family disadvantages you can think again - not so in my daughters case!
Anyway, on to your question....
NO! I do not think he ought to be there....he's causing you enough stress as it is.
You can bet when baby is born his sister will be trying to take over...and I bet he won't stand up for you and the baby any more in the future than he's stood up for you now...ie not at all....do you really want a partner like that? I certainly wouldn't, no matter how much I thought of him.
You don't have to let him into your babys life...like another person earlier said....don't put him on the birth certificate, and if necessary tell him you're not even sure who's it is. Sure, he may go for a DNA test, but then he'd have to pay for that.
Do you really want a man, or a mouse, as your babys father?? That's what you need to ask yourself. You can be sure his sister won't let up this nastiness, and she'll be goading him on to doing the same....if he can do it now, he's capable of doing the same in the future. Sort things so he has no hold over the baby or you....that way YOU can decide how much of a role (if any) he plays in both yours and your babys future lives....that's how I did it...and I'm thanking God every day now that I did.Source(s): my experience
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Best place to vent is hear. Keep the texts and emails as Evidence of their abuse. Don't take this the wrong way but the guy sounds like a b@stard. He should of been able to see things from your perspective surely. As for letting him the delivery room, If you don't want him in the room then he has to oblige. If he Truly cares about this baby he would be doing everything to make you comfortable and trying not to stress you out. I wish i could b of more help. Good luck with everything.
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- dontpanic_109711Lv 41 decade ago
He doesn't deserve the RIGHT to be in the delivery room with you. That would be an honor, watching his child be born, comforting you during a tough time. The absolute last thing you need in that room when your having your precious child is that man in there causing you stress and discomfort.
Every time I thought of my ex I would cringe, just like you. It's not worth it.
Your going to remember this for the rest of your life, and someday your going to tell you child about the day he/she was born. You really don't want that memory to be clouded with discomfort and ill feelings because you know that your ex was in the room with you.
You need to be focused on yourself and your baby during that time. And like I said before you really don't want that to be stressful.
He can still be in the child's life (if you want him to) without being in the delivery room with you. He isn't mature enough to be in there, and like you said, you've done all the work, yet he's going to be there at the time when he thinks it really counts.
Girl I would be pissed too! Sorry haha I was starting to get carried away in there too.
Ultimately, it's up to YOU. No one else, including him. From what you've said you really don't want him in there, so go with that. Do what you think will be best for yourself and your child. Whatever you do - whatever your decision may be, don't let him influence you.
Good luck with your decision and congratulations on your new baby! :)
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I don't think that you should let him in the delivery room with you, and you seriously need to stay away from him until he learns to take up for his woman and not cause you any stress. All this isn't good for the baby. When it comes to his sister family or not, he still should have taken up for you, besides you and your baby would be his new family and it's his place to take up for you in someone elses wrong doing. Bottom line I wouldn't let him until he does a major turn around, also if he's asking other women about moving in when he has a baby on the way he's not grown up nor serious. You really don't need that. Goodluck.
- 1 decade ago
I am sure you will get tons of replies to this but I just delivered two weeks ago and I have to say you don't need the added stress in the delivery room. You need someone there that will support you and wipe away your tears. I know it may be hard but for now try to put him out of your mind (as much as you can) and concentrate on that little one that is growing inside of you. The next few months will pass by quickly.
PS I have to agree with you that his sister did overstep. And he should have stood up for you. But what people should do and what they actually do are two different things.Source(s): Just had a baby now 2 weeks old.
- 1 decade ago
Ok, calm down!
You do whatever is comfortable for YOU!!! If him being in the delivery room is going to make you uncomfortable, then tell him to leave. Or don't even tell him that you are at the hospital until the baby is born. (also, the nurses are your greatest ally! Tell them what you want and THEY will deal with him so you don't have to!)
If he makes you uncomfortable now, he will make you uncomfortable in the Delivery Room. Is that the kind of atmosphere you want your baby's first moments of life to be in? This should be a joyous occasion, not an uncomfortable, cringing one.
When I had my son, The father (who is a self absorbed drug addict loser, the kind of guy you look back on and go "what the HELL was I thinking?") was at the hospital. I didn't care who was in the room when I was in labor (I had an epidural, so I just hung out for a few hours and slept), but when it came time to push, I had made it clear that the only people I wanted in the room was my mom and the medical staff. Well, Brad had other plans, and he refused to leave. He even started to argue with me, and then he started to yell at me. (he even asked me "why do YOU get to be there for the birth of my son, but not me?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? what a dumb ***, I would LOVE to see you push this 7 1/2 lb kid outta your penis!) Any woman who has delivered a child knows that all of your emotions and fears peak at this moment. I couldn't handle it, I started BAWLING, mom, yelled at him, and the nurses quickly grabbed him by the arm and threw him out.
Don't let him ruin the greatest moment of you life, and the first moments of your childs life. After your kid is born, you will have to learn how to get along, but that moment in the delivery room is NOT his to ruin
- 1 decade ago
Do not let him in the delivery room. You definitely have that option, and from the sounds of it, it's an option I think you should exercise.
He sounds like a loser, and his family is even worse yet. They sound extremely manipulative. Good for you for not falling for it!
Cut your losses and move on. You can do better. And honey, don't waste any more tears on him. It must suck to know that the father of your child is being this way and acting childish himself, but in the long run, it will probably be better for you and your baby if he just stay away.
- 1 decade ago
ya know it really depends on just how you feel. Your angry now but you still have a little while to go, you might get things worked out when the time comes. But if not then I would say that if he isn't going to be there to support you then maybe you can have someone else be in the room with you like your mom or a sister or a friend.
Hope this helped...I'm sorry how things happened.