is it good? any tips? any detail ideas?

“Bye, I love you” I said to my husband and son as the got into the car for there 7 day annual father son camping trip. Well they would say it’s a camping trip but I new they would always just drive around the states not knowing where they are going. They just said it was a camping trip so I wouldn’t worry. My husband and I have been married for six years today. Everyone in my family say I married him just for his looks, He is tall, tan and has light brown hair, my son looks just like him. My son is nine years old. He loves sports just like his dad. He is great at football, basketball, and baseball. I go to every game he has and I bring snacks for the teams. There favorite snack is my pineapple surprise it’s an old family recipe. No one knows what’s in it except me and my Dad’s side of the family. My father was in the mafia. I remember when I was a little girl my father would invite his mafia gang over and the first time I meant them they gave me a nickname. They called me Rizzo. They never called me by my real name Amanda. My father past away a couple of years ago. They said he fell off the bridge. They sad I was paranoid because I think Oscar killed him. But I know those no good son of a gun police men and detectives couldn’t solve a case for there life. I still remember Detective Franz walking over to me slowly putting his hand on my shoulder and me yanking a way when he said what I had feared for many years. “I’m sorry your father has been in an accident… your father is dead. We found him by the creak. He fell off the bridge.” Warm tears coming down my face as I swore that this wasn’t happening it had to be a dream. Screaming on the top of my lungs “why is this happening to me? Why did you take him from me god?” My face had steam coming off it because of the cold winter breeze blowing on the tears. I walked home that evening thinking how my father could have fallen. This thought pondered in my mind for months until I realized he must have been pushed by Oscar. He was my father’s best friend before my father became top mobster. Oscar got jealous and furious. After many attempts of Oscar trying to turn my father mob on my father my father threw Oscar out of the mob. My father had four mobsters in his mob. There was the loudest one who was Tito the funny one was Marco. The toughest was Marello and the quietest was Carlo. Tito was my favorite he always brought me something really cool when he would come over. The last time I saw him he gave me a pocket knife. I never met my mother my father said she left us when I was 2 years old she said she couldn’t take it. My father hated talking about her. He told me I looked exactly like her. Tall long dark brown hair and crystal blue eyes. I haven’t talked to the guys sense my father funeral. Every year my husband and son go for there camping trip I invite me friends over.


how do i show? im really bad at detail

3 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    You need to do a LOT of editing. Reading through that whole paragraph was a real chore. Your story doesn't flow, it's just a bunch of statements/sentences which are short and choppy - use more punctuation like commas, semi-colons, and colons. The storyline itself is descent and interesting. Your writing style is just incredibly difficult to read. Good luck and keep at it, you'll develop over time.

  • ?
    Lv 4
    5 years ago

    I even have a gr-daughter that has schizophrenia. She is a Love. She could also be going to be 18 this 12 months. Here is how I might adorn her room. Paint her furnishings a black glossy colour. Paint the partitions a grey / silver colour ( have obvious this paint at Menard's).Get a few first-rate satiny black or siver fabric for her curtains. You might use 2 materials one in a glittery material and the opposite in a corduroy or a linen. And as a punch of colour use purple. ( now not plenty) Just a punch of it. You might get a few toss pillow within the colours or her option. You might get pix of her favourite characters and cling them in her room. Good Luck!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You tell not show. :l

    You could use some more detail to fix that. :3

    EDIT: You show by giving more detail than telling them "I did this, I did that".

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