Like my story??? (long sorry)?

Once upon a time...

Yep, I wish those kind of things were true. Fairy tales, fairy godmothers, and princes. I really wish I had the 'happly every after' too.

My name is Alexis Gramm. I live in the tiny town of Brookline, Vermont. Population 447. I have been living here ever since I could breath. Also, ever since I could breath I have 2 friends. Racheal Smith and Rizzo Hunt. We have many differences, but we haven't ever split up. Riz is well, a spaz, you wouldn't able calm her down if you gave her even a sip of Mountain Dew. She has so good parts about her, though, she is the peace-maker, and she is as loyal as a dog. Racheal is more of the calm type. She has amazing ideas and came resolve any proble you throw at her, which is a VERY good thing.

We all go to school at Brickford School. Well, we use to. After a totally freak accident, our school was burnt to the ground and were forced to go to school at the Brookline Junior High. Summer break ends in a few days and off we go to Brookline.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Lexi, your'e gonna be late for the bus!"

"Coming Mom." I mummbled as I dragged my sorry butt down stairs.

"Oh, come on Lex, Junior High won't be so bad!" my mother said in her cheery, high pitched voice.

Just then I heard 3 loud honks coming fromour drive.

"Got to go Mom! See ya'!" Then I was out the door.

"Hey Lexi! Over here!"

It was Rizzo. At least she was on my bus.

"Who are they?" I whispered and nodded at a tall, slender blonde with, what I thought, his beautiful girlfriend with golden curls.

"I'm not really sure, but he is HOT!" That's Rizzo for you. It seems she became even more boy crazy.

10 mintues passed, 20, then 30 and finally Racheal glided onto the bus. She look gorgeous with her light brown hair and brilant blue eyes. She had a long slender boby and she was very tall compared to Riz and me. She looked like she floated to us and gracefully sat down.

"Hiya Racheal!" Rizzo sang.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The bus slowed and then jerked to a halt. Oh man! At school already! I got up and stumbled to the door with Riz and Racheal following. Once we were off we all looked at each other and Rizzo screamed.

"Oh hot dog! We are at the school! Oh man I can't wait! I wonder if I have any classes with you guys! Oh! Look at the size of the building! I can't wait! OH BOY!!!" Only she said it like it was one word.

"Riz, did you have Coco Puffs today?" Racheal asked harmlessly.

We all stomped off to the office, Rizzo tripping a few times. Once I got my classes, I looked up at my two friends, mostly Racheal because she was so tall, and asked to dreaded questions.

"What classes did you get?"

Rizzo answered in a split second, "Math, Bio, Spanish....." The rest was blur because she was talking so fast.

"Racheal?"

"Bio, Spanish, Math...." That was a blur, too. Not that she was talking so fast, but because I had no classes with her, too!

"Shoot!"

"What is it Lexi?" They asked simounously.

"We have no classes together!"

"Drat!"

"Fiddlesticks!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I grumbled the whole way to Languge. Why me!? Did I have to go through all this! I guess it wasn't big at all.

And then I saw them. They were so beautiful. I thought I was going to be sick. This group was show-stopping gorgeous and they were in the same room as me?

They where all gathered in the back of Mr. Bowe's class. There were four of them. The two tall golden blondes that ride on my bus, only they looked even more perfet. There was also a shorter brunette one. He had fierce green eyes. One of his amgios was the tallest of the four and had jet black hair. He also had amazingly gold eyes. When I finally brought my attention away from their lovely appearence I looked for an empty seat. I found one across from a carmel haired girl with breath taking ice blue eyes. I sat down in my hard blue plasic chair and the girl looked up.

"Hi! I'm Zamira Marple, or could call me Zam. Are you new here? I didn't see you last year."

"Um, ya," I stuttered still stuned by her eyes. They look more white as I looked into them. Just then I relized that we were going to have a very strong friendship.

Class seemed to last for

Update:

Class seemed to last forever even though all I did was stare at the group at the back of the room. I didn't know what, but something was very different about them.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Once all my morning classes dragged on for ages. When luch finally came my stomach was growling at me.

"Shut up!" I raved at it when I sat down by Zamira.

"What did I do?" She joked.

"Nothing it's my stomach, I don't think I'll ever be use to going so long without food."

"Eat a bigger breakfast," Zamira mubbled as she stuffed an apple in her mouth.

"Hiya Lex!" Rizzo sang and danced into her seat and she waved at Zamira. "Hiya! I'm Rizzo, are you in Lexi's class?"

"Hi, I'm Zamira," She kindly said and bent over her food again.

"Hey, guys.

Update 2:

." Another famliar voice. This time it was Racheal.

"Racheal this Zamira! She is our new buddy!" Riz sang. Any thing Rizzo said came out in a high-pitched sing. Zamira looked up and gave a heart warming smile to Racheal, Racheal retured the smile. I was searching the lunchroom for the mystrious group when I was pelted by a grape.

"Ow!" I grumbled and turned around. Just then another grape hit me right between my eyebrows. I looked around and found two boys sitting at a table across the room. One tall with long blonde hair that almost covered his eyes. He was wearing baggy jeans with holes in them. His friend next him was shorter with a buzz cut and wearing the same type of outfit. They both had skateboards that were resting against their table. They were both laughing their heads off.

Update 3:

Opps it's supose to say "My morning classes seemed to drag on for ages. When lunch finally came my stomach was growling at me."

Update 4:

Guys! IT'S NOT FINISHED!! Thank you guys for reading it! It is my FIRST story/book!

Update 5:

Thanks Ash, love ya'

15 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    that's really good [:

    i wanted to keep reading, honestly. it just needs a little editing and spelling fix ups, but i think its great.

    but you may want to describe "lexi" a little more at the beginning rather than rushing to say about rizzo. i also think when she is complaining to go to school, her mom should say " look at your brother, junior high made him such a better person!" and then lexi saying "well, if your characterizing "better person" as a dropout...then, okay?"

    that would be really good. you have nice descriptions on everyone. i think you could make something of this...do you have any more of it? i really want to read the rest!!!

    o ya and maybe describe rachel a little better at the beginning, instead of mainly talking about rizzo. do a little summary of rachel too.

    [:

    good luckkkk

  • El..
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Your writing has some grammatical errors and flaws in the sentences, which do not flow together well.

    Your characters' development is sorely lacking any rhyme or reason. Don't come right out and tell us who you are, let us find out by perhaps a teacher calling role or some other kids at school. As for your friends, they need to be gradually introduced, with little bits of information being revealed as the story comes along, not all at once.

    As for the "show-stopping gorgeous group", please, PLEASE tell me that you are not modeling them after Twilight. Ugh, I mean, originality is key. It is nice to be influenced, but don't make it so noticeable. I might be wrong, but just saying, don't follow someone else's path so much that it bleeds onto yours and ruins your originality.

    Those are a few of the biggest perks that I see could use a bit of touching up.

    Hope this helps.

    God bless =]

  • 1 decade ago

    I don't like it, sorry. It reminds me of the stories I used to write when I was about 10. It just seems so cliche and stereotypical of a school.

    Try to be creative and come up with some new ideas for once and stick with it :)

    You have got some good description in there though, :)

    How old are you?

  • so
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Instead of the first 2 lines rather begin with my name is...

    If you are writing a small town story take a look at What's Eating Gilbert Grape? Like your dialogue. It is very natural and flows well.

    Have fun writing.

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  • 1 decade ago

    If you want some answers about her story look here:

    Rae is my bff so i would know

    She is 13

    semi off of twilight it'll change though

    im gunna edit it for her

    its not finished

    Good job Raeana look at all these comments!!!!!!! Love Ya

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's really interesting actually. It reminds me of Twilight very much though. But I still like it. Is this a fanfic?

    The only problem with it is grammar stuff. There are a few mistakes but it doesn't affect your story. Good job! I'd love to edit it for you. :D

    haha fiddlesticks.

    Source(s): I like to read.
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Has a lot of Cliche if you need someone to revise your story you can e-mail me on my profile and I can let you read my story.

  • 1 decade ago

    I liked it. I think you have some good ideas! Keep with it, I think it just needs a little cleaning up! :D

  • 1 decade ago

    i love ur characters. :) lol

    but the begining was ok. idk it just wasnt as good as the end. the last part when she walks into class is cool. who r these people and y r they so gorgeou??? i want ot know!

  • Ghht
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Is it complete yet? It feels incomplete, there is no tension, no climax.

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