How can I have a personal relationship with Jesus?

Pray tell, just how does one have a personal relationship with an invisible, intangible, weightless, soundless, and scentless critter devoid of any heat signature detectable by NASA?
Update: NOTE! Please don't tell me to read the bible. I have and found it morally offensive to the point of making me sick. As they say, nothing creates atheists faster than a thorough reading of the bible.
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