Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

What do you think of my 1st draft, part 1 of my story for a book? Is my writing style any good?

The 7:44am alarm goes off in a completely darkened bedroom and is allowed to beep for 1 full minute. Slowly a hand come out from under the covers and reaches for the TV remote, aims and shoots to bring some human voices or some other reason into the room to wake him up. He hears the sounds from that familiar show that usually airs this time of day but it's still not enough to bring him out of what seemed like only 8 minutes of what was supposed to have been a 2 hour nap. A smile comes over his face as he remembers that e-mail that he'd sent to some chick that he spotted online in an Astrology forum the night before. He wondered if she had replied. She's a Capricorn sun with Aries rising and he's Aries with Capricorn rising. He thought that might be something worth exploring...although he was a little bit leery of her Leo Moon. He'd never gotten along with Leos Sun signs, for some reason. His X has Leo rising... but he was curious to see how that Leo Moon would operate. Then he thought to himself, "Curiosity killed the cat" and laughed out loud...

Suddenly he hears a different voice on the TV announcing, "We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for a Special News Report". He listens for a moment, but hesitates to engage himself. These "special news brief" are usually nothing more than an update about the weather or a 20 car pile up somewhere in east Jabip...but he keeps an ear open, just in case it happens to be another 9/11 alert. He hears the announcer say something about::: the recent economic conditions, blah, blah, blah...:::the automobile industry, blah, blah...bankruptcy, blah, blah. Then the announcer mentions the name of the competitor company that he works for. They're laying off over 2000 workers, shutting down some operations and freezing salaries. That definitely gets his attention, but he's relieved when the broadcast ends without mentioning the company that he's working for.

He's quite awake now, so he decides to get out of bed and check the PC, which he left running while napping, because it takes forever to restart if not. He goes straight to his inbox and notices that he has 1 new message. Sure enough, it's from that Capricorn chick. He quickly opens and reads, but is somewhat deflated by her polite but rather lukewarm reply. He mumbles something under his breath about chicks and Capricorn and crap and goes in to take his 8 minute shower at exactly 8:00 am. While in the shower, he keeps thinking about this Cappy chick. Although her reply was not that great, it seemed friendly. After all, he had only asked her a very general Astrology question. She didn't have to reply at all. So he thinks outloud, (to himself), "Maybe I'll send her another e-mail, tell her about my Aries Sun/Cap rising and see what she thinks of that?" "Yeah, that's what I'll do!"

He abruptly ends his shower in 7 minutes and hurries back to the PC, toweling off along the way. He logs back in to her message and clicks, "Reply". He quickly types out his thoughts about their Sun/rising situation and asks her what she thinks...and presses "Send". He sits there for a few moments looking at the monitor, as if to get an instant reply and realizes that he's sitting there in a towel and the clock is still ticking. He continues on to shave, get dressed and leaves the apartment at 8:45 pm...leaving only 15 minutes for his 20 minute drive to work. He stopped by his mailbox to retrieve his mail. There were some junk advertisements, the water bill, a notice from his apartment rental office and a letter from his ex's lawyer.

He jumps into his recently purchased gas guzzling but very well equipped SUV. He was able to get a really good deal on it and paid cash for it because of the rising gas prices and slow sales. Even though it was drinking its own weight in $4.00 a gallon fuel, he didn't have a monthly note, so he figured that canceled things out. Speaking of which, it was very low on fuel so he decided to stop by for a quickie on the way to work. Realizing that he was low on funds and payday was still 2 weeks away, he decided to put in only a quarter of a tank. He could make it back and forth to work - ONLY if he budgeted his speed and any other unnecessary trips and such.

He arrived at work 5 minutes late, as usual. Nothing was ever said about that because he usually stayed 30 to 45 minutes after closing, without ever getting paid. He pulled up to his work station, parked and walked over to the main office building to greet his co-workers and put his microwavable dinner in the company frige. He'd pass through the front office and greet all the guys and gals at the counter. He'd always get a very warm and hearty greeting back. Everyone loved Charlie, he was so funny and nice...even if he was having a bad day. Charlie didn't know most of their names. These were mostly young manager trainees who were promoted and shipped out every 4 months. By the time you got to really kn

Update:

By the time you got to really know one of them they'd be replace with another new face. There were a few that stood out but for the most part, they were just co-workers.

Then he'd make his way towards the kitchen area, passing through the inner office and he'd speak to everyone there. He'd always say a special "Hi Flo!" to this one employee named Florence...and she'd cheerfully respond, "Hi Charlie!", most times without ever looking up from her work. On his way back through her area, he'd say "Bye Flo!" and she'd say, "Bye Charlie!" He and Flo had worked there the longest and knew each other better than the rest. They shared a lot of personal things in common and knew things about each others families. She was very attractive and extremely friendly, pure and sweet and had a great sense of humor. She's the kind of girl that you'd want to marry or clone for all of your close male friends and relatives to marry. Unfortunately for all the guys she was already very happily married

Update 2:

But the thing that Charlie liked most about her was her voice...and the way she said his name...which is why she was the only one he greeted by name, just to hear her say his name.

On this particular day, there was something different in her reply...her voice was heavy. She turned and looked at him and said, "Hi Charlie". He could see that her eyes were cloudy and her posture was slightly droopy. Their simple greeting was usually the extent of their conversation for the entire day but this was not usual for her or him. He wanted to ask her if everything was okay, but didn't want to call any undue attention to her. Charlie went in to deposit his lunch in the freezer and got 2 bottles of water to take back to his office. When he came back through the inner office, Flo wasn't at her desk. That wasn't a big deal, but it wasn't a little one either...after her response. Charlie shrugged it off and made his way back to his work station but tried to justify Flo's actions in his mind.

Update 3:

She was known for being very emotional. He remembers how she teared up when she told him that she and her husband were getting a new house...and how one day, she left for lunch upset with a customer over the phone and said that she was never coming back. He was just hoping that it wasn't anything seriously wrong.

When he arrived at his work station, Flo was there with a very heavy message for Charlie. ...

Do you think it's any good, so far?

Update 4:

Thank you all for your very helpful and constructive criticism. It's my first attempt, so I'm extremely green, as you can see. It will be a very long story when finished. I just wanted to see if I had enough to make anyone want to continue reading.

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think your story is too long for most of the people here to get the nack. They're used to seeing a few paragrahps and yours is taking to long for them to follow. I think it's an interesting story and I agree with most (including you) that your style is a bit green. But keep going, it's only going to get better.

    You got to start somewhere, right?

    Cheers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    If this is going to be a novel it would be a very long novel for the reader. Reader's don't need to know every little thing the main character's do at every waking moment. Pick and choose what shows the most important and only include those. You are very specific which is good, but try to give it more flow because as it is it kind of reads like a list. If the character is that neurotic, try and show it by lessening the monotony of his daily chores. Also, it would be nice to get to a problem or complication quicker because as it stands it is very exposition heavy. Make him more active and less in his head. It has great potential, good luck with it.

    Source(s): BA in creative writing
  • Unkurg
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Except for your last paragraph and additional details, you wrote the story in a present tense style. This is hard to pull off and even harder to read and enjoy. It makes your story sound like a one-note monotone.

    Your syntax and use of punctuation needs work. As I have recommended to others, find a copy of "The Elements of Style" by William Strunk Jr. and E. B. White. This book will help you in your writing endeavors.

    You seem to know something about astrology, with your references to ascendants and planetary positions in the birth chart (I know a thing or two about this myself). You may want to give a little background information about this (but not too much, or you will sound pedantic) so your readers who are not familiar about the fundamentals of astrology will understand it better.

    Good luck with your writing.

  • 1 decade ago

    You have a lot of work to do. Get some books on writing, especially short story writing.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    wow... it was interesting (and quiet long)- i guess...

    your writing style is okay- but try to improve.

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