Obias asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 1 decade ago

What difference does an open adoption have on the relationship between the adoptee and AP?

In your opinion, how much of a positive impact does an open adoption have on the relationship between an adoptee and his/her adoptive parents? This includes adoptions that became "open" later in the childs life such as toddler years, or pre-teen years.

Update:

Dar d you are a troll.

Update 2:

Dar d, what are you talking about "then make a decision"? I'm not pregnant nor am I a mother. I'm an adoptee who had a semi-closed adoption.

And no, considering this is the first time I've used the world troll on this forum, my definition is not someone who disagrees with me, it's someone who is BIASED.

Update 3:

Okay, I won't respond again to dar d as I feel we've both voiced our opinions. But again, I'm NOT asking if you think open adoption is a good idea. I'm asking what difference do you think an open adoption has on the attitude or issues of the adoptee as opposed to a closed adoption. Please stick to the subject.

Update 4:

Freckle Face, I think I understand. I apologize, I was just responding to an answer in my own defense.

8 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I'm all for an open adoption no matter how complex it can be at times.

    Kids have to learn about relationships no matter how you look at it or try and protect them from pain and hurt. This is another relationship in their life, but it has a higher meaning to them than most others. Its the connection that exists in our child's life, and only an adoptive parent in denial will say its not important in their child's life.

    I can't tell you the full impact it will have yet. I'm hoping it will become a normal part of their life. Something they can see feel touch and know everyone around them loves them. No mysteries or lies...

    My kids are still little, when have visits with their birth family (BTW- In real life I rarely use that term, we call by their first names, the way we were all introduced. One day I'll ask their Nmother about what she thinks of the terms used for her.)

    Its just a picnic and playtime with another family. I read to them kids adoption books and we talk about "Sara and Peter". Not their real names of course, for privacy purposed here in YA.) I'm practicing all the time about explaining the connection to them.

    We're working on establishing a relationship between the two families. It takes time to work at it bit by bit. My DH and I had a discussion this week about how we feel about our open adoption... We suddenly came to the conclusion that through our girls our family became bigger. (Our attitude is that "Sara and Peter are like relatives to us Aparents too.) We are all linked because of the adoption. I see a good chance once we're over a few hurdles to have a good growing relationship. If the adults in all of this can make it work and feel comfortable than our kids won't feel torn or question loyalty.

    This hopefully will enable us to have a trusting and loving relationship with our kids and open communication between us.

    We don't live in a perfect neatly packaged world, so it could drift at times. And relationships are complicated, I don't know where they'll be in ten years. Even if they need space for a while the adoption will remain open from our end. Who see's all members of their family all the time, you occasionally miss a year due to commitments or things happen. I'll treat as a natural part of life, like I do with close friends I don't see for a few years and then we catch up again. Pick up where we left off.

    I'll wait and see what the kids think of all this and keep focusing on their well being and up bringing... who knows it could all just work out right in the long term and all our concerns were for nothing.

    Source(s): AP
  • 1 decade ago

    For me I cannot imagine taking their dad away from them. That is their history, medical history, and traditions. Why would I be jealous of that? I think that open adoptions are meant to be something like what we have made. It is meant to be something that gives the children a family that they can ask about their mom or dad when they were younger. It sometimes is hard with moms that give away their children at birth but I can see it working. I think taking this away from children is why so many adoptees have image problems in my eyes. How can you truely love your eyes, your hair, your body type if you are always wondering who gave you that? That is my case for my children always having a open door to the first family. The first family all know that when they are teens and run away to expect their house to maybe be the one that they run to. They also know to call us and let us know they are ok. Then they will send them back home. No matter what my kids want in life they know where their bed is and where to call home. I do not fear this for one moment. I think AP get afraid of them loving first parents more or whatever. I think that life does not have a limit on how many moms and dads you can have.

    Source(s): adoptive mom of 7 who sees the first family once a month or more.
  • 1 decade ago

    I'm neither of those but am the mother of a child in an open adoption. I chose open adoption because I didn't want something as huge as "I'm not your real mom" being hidden from my son. I didn't want him finding out when he was 30 and wishing he had known sooner and being bitter about it cause chances are I could be dead or well on my way. (Alot of my family has died b4 they made it 60).

    I think it is harder on the AP if they have to keep a secret like that for their whole lives from their children. Like teaching their child not to lie but the whole time knowing that they are lieing to their child. Although there are those out there that care nothing about that and it doesn't bother them one bit.

    As far as positive on the open adoption. I'm not really sure. I know in my heart that it's easier for me because although I didn't put an age on when I wanted my son to find out the AP's let me name him Austin and they would give him a middle name from their family and that I can send pictures and letters and gifts for Christmas or Birthday and he will get them. Pics and letters he won't get til he is told he is adopted but gifts they will just say are from them or Santa which is what I asked them to do because I want to make things as easy for them as they are making for me.

    I really wish I could answer better about positive for AP and adoptee relationships. I say that as long as there is honesty that they can carry on having a normal parent child relationship just like everyone else, who isn't adopted. To me it's like having step-parents. I have a step-mom who I love very much and have a mother daughter relationship with her as well as I have one with my mom. It was hard at first because I felt like I was betraying my mom by loving my step-mom too but as I got older I understood that it was okay to have more than one mom and love them both the same. Hope this helps.

  • Lori A
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    I have no first hand experience in this matter. I have read many posts here that indicate that sometimes it can work out to the advantage of all, mostly the adoptee whom this is supposed to be about. I can see where it would cause a problem in certain instances, but feel that if the parents can agree to be respectful for the sake of the children, the there would be no harm.

    As far as confused, I do not believe it for one minute. But what do I know, I'm one of those other women.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 1 decade ago

    I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "difference", but I'll give it a shot.

    I'm open by nature. Except for a few things my daughter is still too young for, there are no secrets about her adoption. She knows she can ask me anything and I'll give her an honest answer. It really takes the pressure off me because I'm not good with secrets. Also, there are no delusions about who gave birth to her so I don't need to pretend, ever.

    Her natural mom is her mom and I'm her everyday mom, what I think of as the "nurture mom". My job is to help her grow up to be the happiest person she can be. She's on loan to me for just a little while, then it's up to her to make the most of her life.

    I'm not sure I answered the question, did I?

    Source(s): An openly adoptive mom in a fully open adoption since 1999.
  • 1 decade ago

    Dear Obias,

    You are new here and you might not know that our "open" adoption can be stagnant for a while, its hard on DD's other mother. We are the oddballs who want a closer relationship than DD's mother. There are times when she is close and really opens up to DD then there is a cooling off period. She almost always comes back around though. That part is a little hard on DD and currently she asked to take a break.

    We have had some long talks on this. I asked her do you know i would never stand in the way of your relationship with your other mother? Yes, I see how hard you work to maintain contact with her. Do you know I am not jealous if you love her? Yes. Do you understand i'm the adult and i'm in charge of my emotions, not you. Yes. So you know you are not supposed to worry about me? Yes, why would i worry about you? IDK, i'm just saying I can take care of myself.

    Are we done now? yes. Mom? yes. It is nice to know you are looking out for me. What do you mean? Well, that i don't have to worry about it. I know you are secretly working at maintaining a relationship with her for me. aren't you? yes. See, I like that. It means a lot. bye.

    I was granted permission to repeat this conversation.

    ETA: Obias, you have NOTHING to apologize for:) DD = dear daughter. I was talking about the realtionship with my daughter and her mother. sorry for any misunderstandings.

    Source(s): I believe in open adoptions, even if they are messy.
  • 1 decade ago

    I guess everyone can live in reality rather than growing in the dark with only fantasy, which is not healthy.

  • 1 decade ago

    Terrible idea.

    Every couple I know who did it did so because it was cool and PC. Then when the child was older it confused them and they used it as a weapon. All three couples soon moved as far away as possible from thewoman who gave birth.

    Don't say I didn't warn you.

    Is a troll defined as anyone who does not agree with you? Again, don't say that I didn't warn you.

    Too bad some people have their heads up their butts. The birth mother hanging around may not matter to you. Just face the reality and then make a decision. all is not a bed of roses.

    As you are twenty, I understand your question. However, it seems that the question regarding whether it is good also depends upon what do the people who invest time. love sweat and tears raising you think about this? Maybe they like the idea as well. Is it worth the risk to that relationship? And no, it will not be the same unless you are a memebr of one of those families that adopts 20 kids.

    I speak as person in social services and the daughter of a kid psychologist. I am not trying to be unkind, just frank.

    America is too kid focused. The family unit, whatever that is and however it came about, should be the focus of what is "best."

    If there are no hard feelings about it all around, why not? This assumes that the bios want to be a part of the openness.

    In other words, all involved have to really want to make it work. Can't be fueled by guilt or feeling needy.

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.