Ive been crying myself to sleep for the past two nights and i have the urge to cut again?

so long story short, me and my mom dont get along and we act as if we hate each other. i went depressed. she didnt care. she just continued to abuse me verbally and emotionally. and no matter how much she hates me, im still gonna love her. she gave me a chance at life. but see, her actions towards me have caused me... show more so long story short, me and my mom dont get along and we act as if we hate each other. i went depressed. she didnt care. she just continued to abuse me verbally and emotionally. and no matter how much she hates me, im still gonna love her. she gave me a chance at life. but see, her actions towards me have caused me to cut. i mean im not gonna say what she did, but even my sister has called it horrible. shes 28. old enough to know when im over reacting and when im not.

also, she wont let me date, but i did go behind her back once, and i was happier than ever. once she found out, she punched my head and slapped my back. so i dont even want to do that anymore. but ive met another boy, and i really do like him. but i cant have him cause of my moms rules. so i dont tell her anything that goes on in my life, because just like she doesnt trust me, i dont trust her.

please dont say im over reacting. the fact that she won't let me have a boyfriend IS NOTTTTT my biggest problem. but that's just a recent bump in the road weve hit.
tuesday night, i cried myself to sleep because i couldnt believe my mom didnt trust me.
so anyway, yesterday, i found out my mom was told that she has a high blood pressure. she eats healthy and exercises. so she only got that from stress. its all my fault though. thats all i can think. its MY fault my moms blood pressure is high.
so i cried myself to sleep last night because i couldnt even imagine how my life would be without her.

but now im just so frustrated with my past and the present. im afraid of the future now. im not the happy girl i was 3 years ago.
my brother went to jail. ive seen my dad nearly kill my mom. my parents have gotten into numerous fights. theyve almost divorced, but some reason they didnt.

so im 14, my emotions have been a roller coaster lately. and when i cut before, all the mental and emotional pain was taken away. i wanna cut right now but im seriously controlling myself.i just have no clue what to do anymore though.
someone please help me.

my mom's problem is because of me. its like im a failure to this family. i feel like if i was never born, theyd be richer and happier. and ive been crying non stop because of this lately.
someone please help.
and dont freaking tell me that i do matter.
if you're gonna tell me that, prove it.
Update: we were supposed to go to a counselor a month ago to improve our relationship until she thought it was too expensive.
and why the hell would i call cps on my mom?
no matter how much i hate her, i still love her so stfu.
plus that'd only add on more stress to screw up her blood pressure
Update 2: TO THE IDIOT WHO THOUGHT I CALLED MY MOM 28;; pay a little more attention.
my mom is 50[FIFTY]
my SISTERRRRR is 28

jeeez.
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