Notes From The Past 5: Immune...Oh Immunity?
I feel like writing something that may be considered useful,
But it gets harder each day cause all I do is complain.
I think I have relised that happiness is a side affect,
And I surely am immune to the disease.
I have been feeling as though I have to walk around the world,
To see if there is any room left for me to sit and dwell,
On all of the thoughts that create a needle in my vain,
I want to take away every inch of this God forsaken pain.
I followed a butterfly half way around the world,
Now tell me was it really worth it for this girl,
I dunno maybe but I'll let the judge decide,
Should I be behind bars on this hot summers night.
I'd like to welcome you to my life on this Christmas day,
I'm sitting by the phone, but it has nothing to say.
I hope that when it rings it will be my Mother,
But it's looking like she wont make it through.
Each day it gets worse and she can barely speak,
If only i had been a good son then maybe she wouldn't be so weak
But there is no point to hang around and think about life,
So I guess maybe I can go to sleep for longer then tonight...
As always thanks Stab and Sabrina :)
- 1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Hey. I'm going to criticize your poem now! As I have read none of them until now!
Hmmm...well let's see. I see that in a couple of lines you would rhyme them and I belive it was done purposefully but the general theme is not a rhyming poem as I can tell. You can't switch back forth. Either it rhymes or it doesn't, choose.
"I dunno maybe..."
I know that if you were to publish this you wouldn't type "dunno" so I'm not criticizing you on that, but your word choice rather. I don't know maybe...it doesn't sound very...poetic. It sounds like you're talking to your friends. I think the stanza would be much more flowy and poetic if you just cut out those 3 words. Read that stanza out loud to yourself with the words. Then read it again out loud without the words. Which one sounds more refined and more formal?
Now that's just what * I * think would sound better.
About the whole poem. I thought it flowed quite well and it wasn't long and monotonous and boring. I swear I love writing poetry but I hate reading it! I can't stand it! But your poem...I don't know what it was about it, but I rather enjoyed reading it to myself. I really did like it. When I saw the line about going around the world for a girl...I thought it was gonna be a love poem and I really didn't want that. then when I saw it was your mother...let me just say, NICE SAVE! haha making it about your mother made it all the more touching and special, like it seemed to have more feeling. I can tell you are pouring your emotions into the words, and that's a great thing FFAF.
- David VLv 71 decade ago
It is a very sad poem, and it seems you dwell in the depths, of pain and sorrow way to much. I know your life has not been that great, but a lot of people do get on with their lives after all the hurt and pain they go through. I can tell by your poetry you are a lot stronger than you believe you are. I think it's time to write some good about life if it be your own or someone else's you may know about. You love your music so try writing something along that line, if you can write such heart felt poems about death and sorrow I know you can write something fun and refreshing give it a try you have nothing to lose.
This poem really hit deep inside of me, it even hit the soul I always thought I never had, and your poems show me there is something there after all.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Awww FFAF......this one was quite sad to me.....Your pain just oozes....couldn't think of a better word, haha.....from your words.....Never doubt yourself too much....don't beat yourself up over things that can't be changed from the past....just try to stay positive, follow whatever path you choose and love and respect you and your loved ones.....the line
"If only I had been a good son then maybe she wouldn't be so weak" really is painful to me, don't make yourself feel guilty over your mom's illness....from what I know, it sounds like you have been there for her and she seems like an amazing person....you and your family have been through so much....I just want you to be happy and keep smiling :)
- ßlεεdιиg mαscαяαLv 41 decade ago
aww. that poem was so good, it made me sad )=
i like how parts of it rhyme, because i'm easily amused by things like that. but besides that, i really love everything about this poem. i don't know why, but its different from the rest. in all of your poems you write down your emotions perfectly, but this one even got me feeling the emotions you're feeling. my favorite part is the end, but honestly, this whole thing is beautiful =)
it's really great you're putting all of your feelings into these wonderful poems, its the best way to deal with such strong emotions
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- A Fair JudgementLv 61 decade ago
I loved the informal nature of that poem, it's overall groundbreaking and full of emotion pouring through. You seem to have went through a tough time and might still be suffering from it's 'effects' and what it has personally done to you. I very much enjoyed reading it and it almost brought me to tears, the heart and emotion poured into it was really moving. That's the vibe I got from what you had to write, and of course, I might be completely wrong.
- 1 decade ago
FFAF that poem was really sad. Got me tearing up. It's also very beautiful. Both you and your mother have incredible strength.
- 1 decade ago
Kinda all over the place but not to bad.