How do you walk away from your marriage, from your life?
I've been married to a man for 15 years that has substance abuse issues and more emotional baggage than all the airlines combined. I used to be so confident and self assured, but now I'm an emotional wreck. Every day I have to fight the battle between good and evil....every time I get behind the wheel I'm suspect....Will I drive off a cliff, will a intentionally run a red light or will I just go to work and continue living this sham of a life. I have 3 kids, 2 at home a decent job but a marriage made in HELL. My husband is addicted to crack, addicted to porn, wouldn't know the truth if it walked up and said hello, but everyone thinks he's just the best thing that going. People view me as the b--ch with issues and he comes off as the poor guy with the FBI for a wife. Even though he makes waaaay less then me, I've built our life around what he does contribute. I've never really been afraid of anything in my life, but at 44 I'm scared to death of starting over. I see the pain in my kids eyes when we argue and I just give in. And to make it worse my sister just moved across the street from me. And after recently loosing her husband ( even though he cheated on her and had a child outside of their 30 year marriage) she's convinced me that having somebody is better than having no body. Now I've simply locked myself in my bedroom and the only time I come out is to go to work and pay bills! Pathetic, weak and lonely. My family has become my life and being a good wife means supporting her husband through good and bad. But, there's been so much bad, so much sacrifice and forgiveness on my part for him. I wish I could find a way to forgive myself for making such a bad decision. I had so many chances to leave, but for whatever reason I chose to stay and now my children and I are truly paying the price. He knows I won't leave so now there's no hiding, no pretense, just "do whatever the hell I feel like cause she ain't going nowhere" Rick! This is the 1st time I've expressed my feelings online and if there is anyone that has been down this road and survived please respond. My hero's have always been strong minded, I'm going to do it my way people. Now I'm surrounded by weak, just go with the flow, he's a man you can't change him minded people....I'm ready to explode!
- PaulLv 61 decade agoFavorite Answer
You need to forget about your husband. He is who he is. He isn't a nice person, he doesn't sound like a good father or a good husband and you can't change that. You have zero control over him. He'll do what he wants, lie about it, and that's that. So, all you need to do is worry about you. If you stay with him, you accept him as he is and don't expect any more than he has to give. If you leave, yeah, you'll be on your own for awhile, but you will be protecting your kids and yourself from a lot of dysfunction. I vote #2, but I don't really get a vote, do I? Just quit worrying about him and hoping he'll change, 'cause he won't.
- dadgonewildLv 41 decade ago
I won't address the suicide thoughts because I see you are way too strong for that! So, lets talk "corrective thinking".
You first have to stop saying that you are "walking away from a bad thing" and replace it with "you are walking-in to something better". Not only have your addicted husband consumed your life, but you have also allowed your family to consume it. Tell your sister "if she thinks it's better to have someone than to be alone" then she should take him! There is only two things you can do for a crack addict and that is to support him when "he" decide to stop or become his enabler.
You have three children depending on "you" (the child that's not there still need you also). You have a career that require "you" to be on point. You have bill's that must be paid by "you". I could go on ......... but I guess you can see what people mean when they say you need "him".
Life doesn't get easy unless you throw "easy" in the kitty. You have to take one for the family and get you and the children out of there. I know you think it's easier said than done, but the hardest part is really making up your mind to do it. Stop allowing people and family to live through you!
p.s. In 3 yrs. on Answers, I've heard the anger, but never have I seen it with so much strenghth! YOU ARE THE POWER in this household .......... now go find your "PLACE" in life!
- ?Lv 61 decade ago
Has you ever tried to get him into rehab for his substance abuse and porn problem?
If you have and he is still doing drugs or watching porn or if he does not want to go to rehab, then it is time to start thinking about yourself and your children. Leave. This is not a marriage. Leave. If you are this miserable...Leave. You deserve better than this.
A good wife will support her husband through good and bad, but we are talking about....a husband losing his job, getting sick from a natural cause or getting hurt. IMO, a good wife will make sure her home is in order so her children can have a healthy lifestyle.
Your husband is in no condition to be a husband or a father. From what you wrote this is NOT a marriage, your husband violated that when he became an addict and a person who is into porn.
Try the rehab thing and if he won't go then you should leave or kick him out of the house.
And stay strong...you have every right to get a better life for you and your children.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
This is comming from a child that lived this way for 18 years and finally moved away!! my mom is still chosing to live the way you are she is 41...You are a STRONG woman...dont think any differently because you have had to be strong through all of this!! my dad is the same way as your husband! You are WORTH sooo much more than this , than him, than the stress! You will be alright no matter WHAT except if you decide to stay. If you leave what will happen you will still come to a place you call your own with your kids, no yelling, no screaming, no monkey on your back! you would be able to breathe comfortably again! you would be your kids hero! Maybe not at first (dont know the circumstances but i hated my dad!) but when your daughter (if you have one) can see what is NOT acceptable and that it isnt healthy and that would be worth the world to you and her both! I almost married a man just like my dad and learned the hard way! THANK GOD!!! My mom is finally getting sick after 23 yrs of marriage! My brother has bad anger issues because of all of the fighting from the years! It is not worth what this is doing to YOU and your FAMILY!! I will pray for you and if you need to vent or talk email me at email@example.com
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- lissLv 41 decade ago
All you have to do is say "leave." You don't say he abuses you or the kids. You support the family. You pay the bills. You take care of the children. Tell him. "Out now. I'm getting a divorce."
You know...people justify stuff all the time, *wah* I listen to my sister. *wah* my children are hurting.
Your SISTER has issues. You don't need to buy into them. She is a person. She can deal with them herself. Why are you enabling her by listening to her? Nobody can "make" you do anything. There has to be a part of you that wants to listen.
Just get up and walk out. "Hey--gotta go. Call me when you're not trying to drag me down with you."
Sure--you say you could leave. So...why didn't you? So you could make yourself into a matyr? So your children could "see" you as a maytr to their "stability"? A bad homelife is NOT good. It's toxic, not just to you, but the children you say you care about.
44 is NOT old. It's only old is you think it's old. How are you starting over? With a decent job? There are people out there in homeless shelters with NO job, in danger of their lives.
Get a grip, stop blaming other people for your mistakes, take charge, and stop worrying about what people think/you did or didn't do/or how much it hurts your children to see arguments.
Heroes are ordinary people who do the right thing in extraordinary circumstances. When you channel all that pent up energy you have, you'll feel better.
- sunmeccaLv 41 decade ago
What are you waiting for? Why haven't you ditched this loser yet? Being divorced at 44 with 3 children is better then this turmoil you described!
Stop thinking about your fears and let the healing begin. Once you leave this deadbeat your children will finally see that Mom is happy again you will have inner peace and reassurance in your heart that your children will be okay. A miserable mom, makes miserable kids.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Fear is your enemy .
Staying in the marriage allows him to expose your children
to a life style that is bad, all the way around , on so
many different levels .
You need some peace in your life .
The kids need some peace in their lives .
Your not starting over , your continuing your life's journey
but with someone else , some one decent and loving .
Does something really bad have to happen in order for you to do something about this ?
Evaluate your life and take the action required to get it in order .
- 1 decade ago
Girl. What are you teaching your children? Forget him. Crack? I mean do you want your children to be Crack addicts as well? It is your job to teach your kids how to be good adults. You need to be alone for a while. Being alone can be great. Nobody to worry about other than the kiddos. No arguments. There is a fabulous life waiting out there for you. It is just waiting for you to come join it. Seriously. Do you want to go to jail? Have CPS come and take your babies from you? You don't need to be worried about being alone. You need to be worried about being in jail and your kids being raised in foster care. Get out of there. Tell yourself everyday that your kids are worth it. Even if you don't think you are worth it, which you are. Do it for the kids. Repeat it over and over. I cannot believe you stayed for 15 years. There are all kinds of programs that will help you get away, help you start over. Please take care and go fast as you can.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Start a secret savings account and start getting into
shape...You are not a cute young chick anymore but
40 is the new 30 so it is not too late to start over.
I know how tired you must be and how much you dislike
the thought of starting over and finding a new man and
on and on and on and on but what you seem to be enduring
has got to be worse than whatever fear you have of the future.
The best way to mend a broken heart is with a new love.
Don't leap into bed with a dud...
Get a good Pre-Nup...
- Anonymous1 decade ago
GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS LIFE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR CHILDREN WILL THANK YOU WHEN YOU DO... YOU DO NOT NEED THIS LIFE AND NEITHER DOES YOUR CHILDREN.....O MY GOD YOU ARE 44 YRS OLD NOT 104 ,YOU STILL HAVE ALOT OF YEARS LEFT TO LIVE AND YOU NEED TO START LIVING THEM NOW.....YOU AND THE KIDS NEED TO LIVE AND NOT BE LOCKED UP IN YOUR ROOMS SCARED TO DEATH.......I WAS 34 WHEN I DIVORCED WITH 2 KIDS AND I DID IT ,,,,IT CAN BE DONE AND WHEN YOU DO THROW HIM THE HELL OUT YOU WILL FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TAKEN A THOUSAND POUNDS OFF YOUR SHOLDERS........DO IT FOR YOU ......IF HE WANTS TO LIVE LIKE THIS LET HIM DO IT SOMEWHERE ELSE AND NOT AT YOUR HOME .........................GET HIM OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET A DIVORCE AND MOVE ON YOU WILL BE A STRONGER PERSON WHEN IT IS ALL SAID AND DONE AND SO WILL YOUR KIDS.......AND I HAD BEEN MARRIED FOR 20 YRS WHEN I LEFT MY EX. ITS NOT THE NUMBER OF YRS TOGETHER ITS HOW YOU HAVE SPENT THOSE YRS. TOGETHER ...............AND FOR YOUR SISTER IT IS BETTER TO BE ALONE AND HAPPY THEN TO BE WITH SOMEONE THAT LIVES HIS LIFE ON DRUGS AND ETC..... YOUR SISTER NEEDS TO MOVE ON WITH HER LIFE NOW THAT SHE HAS NOONE WITH HER AND GET THE CHIP OFF HER SHOLDER AND START LIVING .......DEATH IS PART OF LIFE.......SHE CHOSE HER ROAD TO STAY WITH HER HUSBAND FOR 30 YRS MORE AFTER HE CHEATED ON HER AND IT WAS NOT THE ONLY TIME HE CHEATED TRUTH BE KNOWN........ DON'T LET YOUR SISTER MAKE YOUR FUTURE FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS BAD JUST BECAUSE SHE CHOSE TO STAY WITH HER CHEATER......BE THE BIGGER PERSON AND GET YOU AND YOUR KIDS OUT OF THIS LIFE BEFORE YOUR KIDS GET INTO THIS KIND OF LIFE AND THEN WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ..............AND DRIVING OFF A CLIFF DOES NOT SAVE YOUR KIDS FROM THE A** HOLE OF A DAD THAT PROVIDED THE SPERM TO MAKE THEM .......IF HE WANTS TO BE A DRUG ADICT.THEN SO BE IT LET HIM THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU AND THE KIDS HAVE TO LIVE THE LIFE TO AS THE SOBER PAR-TAKERS................."DIVORCE" NOW AND YOU WILL THANK YOURSELF WHEN IT IS ALL OVER........................................Source(s): BEEN THERE DONE THAT