Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

I have a beginning of a novel I want to write. Is it any good so far? I would realy like to have some opinions?

The first time I entered into the magical realm of reading and comprehending the minds of the authors of this world was by my bedside. Every night, my mother, with her long, flowing black hair pulled back into a ponytail revealing her beautiful green eyes, blushing cheeks, and perfect smile that could make a rose bloom in the middle of winter; would read to me various children’s books at my bedside, setting me sail on a sleep so full of imagination and colorful, energetic dreams, the thought of remembering them compares to memorizing a dictionary as a strong summer wind blows the pages at an impossible pace. This seems an appropriate beginning to my story, and will most likely set a strong foundation for my narrative.

After scrubbing my teeth and dressing into my night clothes, she would come up the stairs, the creaking of the wood resonating with an excitement nearly emulating that of my own, and her footsteps echoing, each louder as she continued forward, each stimulated my senses a degree higher, each augmenting the speed of my heart, which felt an overwhelming anticipation that was manifested into my blood. I would consider it a fact that the temperature of my blood as my mother drew closer would be sufficient for a mug of hot coffee. Each step louder, each step closer, each step one stride closer to conveying my brain en route for a world only the most elegant of writers had the ability of conjuring up.

The themes of the stories read aloud to me varied. Among the many memories I have evoked in this short remembrance, a solitary account comes to mind. My mother, after confirming I have carried out the obligatory routine of brushing teeth and so on, opened a book written by an author that escapes my mind now. It was a story of a young boy who imagined his backyard sandbox to be a wide desert, where he experienced many adventures, including a tussle with a rattlesnake and a footrace with a coyote. As mentioned, the tales read to me sent my mind off on a train of dreams being guided by the railroad tracks of the according story and my imagination, en route to the literal foreshadowing of my future self. Accordingly, the dream I envisioned that particular night was, as I later discovered something of a perhaps supernatural influence.

The railroad tracks of my imagination led me that night to the vast Sahara, south of the equally vast Mediterranean. I became a young man, perhaps in his early twenties; tall, brown-haired, powerful, and handsome, with a half-shaven beard symbolizing my rough and endurable self, and belt holding a map of the land, along with a whip colored such a deep black that one’s eyes fall into a deep abyss of agonizing pain representing the struggles of my life; belt and whip together indicating my physical and intellectual hold of the land; the desert became mine. I, the ruler of the Sahara, stood upon the greatest of all dunes, overlooking my land with a pride emulating even that of a father seeing his son succeed in life; my poise and authority beamed across the immeasurable field of sand. I was answered through the wind of the desert by a fiendish hiss that seemed to mock the ears with a sharp, stinging sensation parallel to the screeching of fingernails upon a chalkboard. The hairs on the back of my neck protruded similarly to the way a dog’s wither project out at the sight of a cat; I darted towards the source of the horrifying blast of screeches, when suddenly, after reaching the crest of the wave of sand, an army of Egyptian Cobras, undoubtedly exceeding one thousand in number, each reflecting in its eyes...

(sorry, I know it was a little long but I would really like to know what people think)

Update:

letjkrule, I am not using a thesaurus, these are all my own words and thoughts. But on the topic, I don't believe that there is anything wrong with the use of a thesaurus to enhance one's vocabulary, as long as they fully understand the meaning of the word they wish to choose. Anyway, thanks for the comments, keep'em coming.

Update 2:

I have another question posted pertaining to the plot of the story. (I have more but I come to a block) If you give me a good idea we could collaborate off of that. Leave lots of comments!

Update 3:

To answer math girl's question, I was hoping on making it part of a much larger novel. Please check out my other question about the plot of the stories and we can work on some ideas together.

10 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    i totally agree!

    this is...amazing :)

    really it is.

    i've tried writing before, and it just isn't my thing.

    but looks like it comes naturally to you.

    haha. i kind of agree with TAO on the whole deal with his mom & junk. i mean, come on...but other than that it's awesome!

    :DD

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    lol i liked it and then the mom's random description not only creeped me out a little (i mean is he IN LOVE with his mom or something?) but it seemed really out of place.

    Hold on let me keep reading....

    I like it. A little too much detail but not bad. At some points it also got confusing because of so many large words (I'm not an idiot, but if you can shorten a sentence, do it)

    Some words aren't necessary and you should put the thesaurus away. Other than that though it seems like it can be a very interesting read! I like how he transforms into some sort of explorer in the middle of the desert. Very cool. I like it!

    Keep writing!

  • 1 decade ago

    There is nothing wrong with using a thesaurus- it is my writing partner all the way! Sometimes you just can't think of the right word but the thesaurus helps.

    One constructive suggestion is to play with your sentence structures- many of them have some great descriptions but I get lost in some of the run-on awkward sentences. Two short sentences are better than one long one!

    Also, what is the plot of the story? Is it a short story about how you came to love reading or is it going to be just part of a larger novel?

    Keep at the writing- don't' worry what anyone says. Write for yourself, to tell yourself a story and you will have much more fulfillment.

    Best of luck!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    this is a novel not a poem right? Im young, i can still understand your words, but, to me those words i rarely hear or read, so i catches my attention, in my opinion a college person would read this, and not be amazed by the words, so dont be fancy on the words, and do a little more.

    ok top part:

    "very night, my mother, with her long, flowing black hair pulled back into a ponytail revealing her beautiful green eyes, blushing cheeks, and perfect smile that could make a rose bloom in the middle of winter."

    [take out the perfect smile thing...]

    Put in something more, like a plot, because after a while it gets boring, so yeah... its pretty boring once you read 4th paragraph...

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  • 1 decade ago

    I would reword or rephrase you're very first sentence. It doesn't give the "wow" aspect it needs to match the rest of what you've written. I like what you have thought... a lot!

    I would also watch out for your sentence variety. Some areas get a little lengthy at times. Don't forget that short, succinct sentences can bring just the impact you need at times.

    Fantastic start!!!!

  • 1 decade ago

    It's good.... but the description of the mother was a little mmm I guess you could say awkward? It seemed a little random, to where you should maybe place it in it's own paragraph or something like that. It hasn't "grabbed" me yet, but usually books don't. The only book that has done that is Mary Shelly's "Frankenstein", but no one writes in her language anymore I guess huh? haha but the way your narrator thinks is very interesting to me, so I'm sure I will like the book.

    Source(s): I read.... a lot. a lot a lot haha
  • 5 years ago

    Yes, but not in church kiddo. Try the butterfly... it starts as a worm, then sheds its skin to form a cocoon. Once inside, it turns to liquid, and two small buttons on each side of the cocoon, reassemble the liquid into a butterfly. Why would that evolve, when it would be very simple to just have a life cycle as a worm? Have fun ChrisT P.S. Check out what Jesus said about following the law in Matth ch5 follow the words of who church people say is their master, and watch the trouble you will get in

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    This is a really good intro, the plot, the summarization, the details, everything is in place and organized. I would recommend you to continue writing and pursue your dream (if writing is it, *wink*). You're very good at this. I write too! Maybe we can talk about things that only writers do.

    I hope I helped! ;D

  • 1 decade ago

    It needs action, people don't get hooked unless you describe the current situation or what you're trying to get at. Good details, but I don't know what you're describing and showing us here. It seems like a autobiography. Also, put more setting...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    wow... it's great!!! if you want to show it off to the world you can put it on fanfiction.net

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