Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Is it wrong for my to be planning on leaving my husband but still pretending all is fine until then? ?

Me and my husband have been married for 7 years. We got married and pregnant when i was 16. Everything was good for the first year or two then it all changed, he tells me where i can and cant go, who i can and cant associate with, what i can and cant do, etc!! And when i finally do stand up for myself and decide im just gonna do whatever it is i wanna do, he figures out a way to mess it up..such as we don't have the money or the truck needs an oil change or its going to blow up. He does not want me to go visit my family whatsoever he says its pointless to waste time and money going to visit, they only live an hour from us! Same thing with friends, he always has an excuse for me not to go do what i want. And finances..we both usually work, my money goes on bills and his money goes in a savings account which he says is for hard times...but when he wants something you can guarantee he'll go get money out of it for what he wants..but if i want something its no we dont have the money for that or thats stupid theres no since in buying that. He shoots my hopes and dreams down with the same story thats stupid and a waste of time, like i want to go back to school to be a respiratory therapist..he says we cant afford that and college is stupid no one ever uses there degree anyway. Its just that everything i want to do or dream he says its stupid or comes up with a reason why i cant!!

Ok now for some good about him. He is a great father to our two wonderful kids and sometimes he is an awesome husband but it seems thats only the case when im obeying his every command. If he would just be the controlling person that he is all the time instead of having those nice spells it would be easy to leave, but i think thats exactly how he thinks about it to..i can control her all i want and when i know shes about to blow i be nice and it calms her down.

Recently my place of employement shut down and i want to get right back to it and find me a job, he says that women arent supossed to work and that i should just stay home.

Anyways i have decided that the only way im ever gonna be happy is to leave and make my own way where i can chase my hopes and dreams. I dont want my kids to grow up and think that its ok to do this to someone or let someone do this to them ya know, i think it would be better for all of us. I have decided to wait until after the holidays to leave and that way i have time to save alil money and figure out where im gonna go and not ruin the holidays for my kids. But sitting here day after day pretending everythings normal, i feel guilty like if im planning on leaving i at least owe him to tell him i doing the right thing? Am i over exaggerating on feeling controlled? What if i get out on my own and im scared to death? Uhh someone help me please???

Thank you for any and all advice,


13 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Everyone here is telling you to leave, which I myself would say also, BUT, have you tried talking to him about this? It didn't sound from what you wrote that you have told him how all this is making you feel. Sit down and tell him that you need some independence and you need a chance to go your own way in life. Tell him it makes you so happy to go to college and get a degree and do something with your life. Maybe he's a control freak because he's afraid that if you go to college you will meet another man? Tell him that you love him and that you would never ever want someone over him. Give him a chance before you just pack up and leave with no warning.

    I'm only saying give him a chance because I don't know him or the situation...I personally think you should leave also, but maybe if you had a few close talks with him he will be able to get over that controlling he has going on. Maybe you could even talk to a therapist or someone and make him realize how incredibly wrong it is for him to tell you what to do.

    Also, you said that whenever you decide to just go do something you want to do he figures out a way to mess it up? well, just don't let him mess it up! If he says the truck needs an oil change tell him you'll get one on the way out of town.

    I think there needs to be at least one conversation between the two of you before you just up and leave. In this conversation, DONT tell him that you're thinking of leaving....just simply say "I really want to do things for myself in life and I don't understand why you keep me from them. Why do you do that?"

    I hope this helps somewhat...I really do think he deserves another chance.

  • 1 decade ago

    Do what is right for your kids.

    Stay until after the holidays. If you can't stand it at your home, then sometime over the holidays plan a weekend or something with your family. Tell you husband its the holidays and that is what women are supposed to do - take the kids and visit family.

    While you are waiting get 'your ducks in a row' contact a women's shelter...even if you don't stay in one you may be able to find resources and suggestions that will assist you. ie help finding financing to go to school, help finding good childcare for your kids while you go to school or work. Save some money that is secret...Also you could take half the savings account when you leave (or maybe even it all)

    Remove the children from the situation before you tell him. You don't want them hearing a fight. If you feel there is a chance he could hurt you, the kids, or himself. Just leave under the cover of darkness. If you are scared for him be prepared to contact a family member of his, or a friend.

    You are both fairly young with big responsibilities. 2 paragraphs can't describe your life fully. It could be that after you leave you can get counselling and put the pieces back together. But you should know by then if that is possible.

    Be Strong - all the best.

  • 1 decade ago

    Why are you pretending? If you're not happy, tell him so. Apparently he is one of those typical men whose idea is that you're supposed to do everything he tells you. I don't think you're exaggerating; you are being controlled. I think you owe it more to yourself to tell him how you feel. Have your children noticed that things are not good between the two of you? Take your children and leave, or better yet, do a gradual move. First, find you a job, find you a place, and let him leave the house one day; by the time he returns (which shouldn't be anytime soon, make a plan to be gone. Of course, it's a scary situation, but what's better for you and your children? The calamity, the chaos or peace of mind and happiness?

    Good luck in your future endeavors.

    Source(s): Personal experience.
  • 1 decade ago

    Okay, I'm sure it's hard to sum up your marriage in a few paragraphs but I'm confused about something. Why is it that your only options are to either tolerate him or leave? What about putting your foot down & changing the dynamics of your marriage? He says college is stupid, you say TOO BAD because I'm going & that's that. What's he going to do? NOTHING. Women shouldn't work? TOO BAD because I am so what now? Car's gonna blow up so you can't leave? That's fine honey, I'll call myself a cab. Problem solved. You are ALLOWING him to control you. That's what I'm taking from your question. So why is leaving under the cover of darkness your only option? You didn't say he hits you or anything. Get some guts & start standing up for yourself. If he doesn't like it, he can leave. It's not like it would matter since you were going to anyway.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I would try to plan your escape out a little better. Have money saved up, and a place for you and your children to go. Plus, please think that is he is this controlling, he will probably try to find you. He could charge you with kidnapping your sons even, so think about doing it the right way, and get a divorce. This way, you will be ensured money, and support for your children.

    I feel your pain, I was in a very controlling relationship for far too long. Once I did get up the nerve to leave, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

    Just please be careful, and have some sort of plan before doing anything.

  • 1 decade ago

    First of all, I'd like to say it takes a very strong and smart person to recognize that the relationship is abusive and controlling. Ok, you did not say it was abusive. But he does not need to hit you for you to live in abusive relationship, according to what you are saying it is emotionally abusive. I am not a therapist but I worked with abused women and I was one. Yes, it will be hard once you move out. But you will also gain freedom, right to do whatever is good for you. You will show your kids that women (including you) deserve to be happy. It might be a little sneaky not to tell your husband that you are planning to move out, but I feel you are doing it to avoid drama and to protect your emotional stability, and I also think he feels it as well and tries to tie you to him completely by suggesting that you be stay at home mom. I am happy for you that you want to get a degree, it is not a waste of money. Good luck to you and I hope it works out for you!

  • 1 decade ago

    I say if leaving is the best thing for you and your children, then leave. Another thing is he abusive? Sounds like either he is or will get that way. Just keep in mind you're doing what's best for you and your family, family meaning you and those kids

    Source(s): been in your shoes
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It sounds like its your only option. If he is controlling to where you cant even visit family, do you really think he is gonna let you leave???

    plan it out carefully and keep it to yourself. otherwise you may be facing a dangerous situation.

  • 1 decade ago

    Leave him as soon as you can. Life is too short and your absolutely right about your kids they learn how to have relationships by watching their parents. And of course you want them to have healthy relationships.

    Source(s): wife and mom
  • 1 decade ago

    I am in the same shoes as you are.

    I have no family - I have no where to go. You have a family. RUN! like hell away from this "man" - he is a control freak. Mine is too. Go to your family, ask / beg them for their help.

    Life is FULL of "What if's..."?

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