Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingParenting · 1 decade ago

Am I going to hurt my son?

What are the pros and cons of getting divorced? I am so unhappy in my marriage, et we have a nine month old son and I feel selfsih in leaving his Daddy. We got married three months after I was pregnant with him and he treated me HORRIBLY when I ws pregnant. Yelled at me, put me down. Went to ONE of my Doctors appointments. You know when you see men in movies laying in bed just kissing and touching the woman's belly? Yeah that wasn't us. He just yelled and called me lazy. I used food to comfort me and gained 63 pounds! I was so depressed!

When my son came along he has changed, but I threatened to leave and so I don't feel as if the "change" is genuine. Would I be screwing up my son's life by leaving him? i came from a family that my parents are HAPPILY married and they have been married for almost thrity years!

I got the weight off and my self confidence back! I want to leave him! am I a bad mother and a bad person for this?

Plus, I am in college right now and I have about a year left until I will have a my degree! What should i do in the mean time! Thanks!

13 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Leave him. The LAST thing you want to do is have your Son perpetuate the abuse that your husband put you through. That having been said, find-out what your options will be. We already know that he is verbally and emptionally abusive, is he capable of physical abuse?

    Will you hurt your Son?

    Maybe...but the injury you'll do to him by staying in an abusive relationship will be far greater.

    Since you are taking steps already, stay as long as you can do so safely, and his change seems genuine. If he reverts to form, leave. If his change of heart is fake, and it probably is, showing your Son a self confident and self assured face will be far more powerful in his life than you and his Father splitting-up.

    Also, should you choose to never re-embroil yourself with your husband, don't introduce your child(ren) to any boyfriends until you find one that is worth taking home and committing to. If you introduce him/them to all of your lovers, all you will do is destroy their image of you, and damage their chances at having what your folks do once they are old enough.

    In any case, go see a councillor and talk to him or her about what the pros and cons of staying with, versus leaving your abusive hubby for you AND your Son.

    Good Luck!

    PS: Be brutally honest with the councillor, you may find that *some* of the problems and abusive behaviour were either you misreading the situation, or due to your own (in)actions. If you are suffering from PPD, that will aggravate the situation. Also, try pawing the kid off on the Grandparents (I'm sure they'll love it!) for a weekend and try to have a romantic weeked for just you and the father!

  • Mia
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Do you have any friends or family members you could stay with and pay a small amount of rent while you finish college? Or who can help you watch your son while you work?

    If your husband is abusive-- and from what you say it sounds like he is-- then you run a greater risk of hurting your son if you stay, in my opinion. No child should have to grow up with a father who treats people like that. And if he treats you that way, he will probably start in on your son soon enough.

    If he has really changed, then that may be different, but it's a typical cycle of abuse for the abusive partner to change temporarily, especially if you've threatened to leave.

    Divorce is not fun, and you could end up in a custody battle. If he drags it out through the legal system, it can be messy. However, if it is the right decision for you, you will be relieved once it's over. If you do divorce, don't let him get out of child support, either.

    Your other option is counseling. If you're both willing to give it a try, go for it. If he refuses, think about what that says about him.

  • 1 decade ago

    You're not a bad mother or person for wanting to explore what could be in your life, but you do have a lot to consider before you jump ship.

    You haven't mentioned love in your description of your life and if there is no love between you and your partner or you feel there is no way to get it back (Have you considered counseling?) then it may be best to move on, because as much as your son needs his father he needs both his parents happy.

    There's no point in you staying just because you think it will make your son happy because in the long term you'll only hurt him and yourself, you do also need to consider, which I'm sure you have, how you will support yourself and your son if you are still in college maybe you could give yourself this year you have left of college to see if you can work it out with your partner and after which you can make a decision on where your future lies.

    Hope this helps

  • 1 decade ago

    Staying together for your son's sake may not be the best thing for him. You are the only one that can weigh the pros and cons, you are the only one who knows what is really going on. You should take the decision very seriously and talk about it with your husband. If he doesn't care than there is no reason to stay. However, married or not, it is important for you to have a civil relationship because no matter what you both still have a child together and he at least deserves parents that can get along.

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  • 1 decade ago

    My parents divorced when I was young and I think i wouldn't have liked it very much if they stayed together there would have been too much arguing and I would have been upset most of the time. Im happy my patents divorced I can still see both of them but I don't have to deal with the arguing. I think your son would feel the same, it just may take a little getting used to.

  • 1 decade ago

    If he is treating you badly there is a good chance he will abuse your kid later on.

    Best to leave this mean guy behind. Make your you get some therapy of some kind so you don't wind up in a cycle of abusive men.

    I think you should leave this guy ASAP!

    Would I be screwing up my son's life by leaving him?

    No I am willing to bet your son will be Develop better with out a abuses father.

  • 1 decade ago

    Ask yourself which would be the better choice for your son and yourself - growing up with a father like that in the house as a role model, or growing up with just you. Or maybe growing up with some other guy in the house, if you get divorced now, and meet a nice guy?

    I can't tell you what to do - only you can make that choice.

  • Bunts
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Kids are oh-so resilient. They accept what is thrown at them.

    You sound as if you are in a really bad relationship, and it is

    better in the long run that you get out of it.

    The choice seems to be either the kiddie grows up in a family

    where the parents are always arguing, or a loving mum but

    no dad.

    You asked the question. I tried to help.......

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    coming from a family where my parents divorced when i was 8... my mother leaving my father and taking my sister and i was the best thing she could have done. we hated her at the time but it got us away from all the fighting and crap. it also should my father what he had and lost because he was being an idiot. i think that if your not happy and your relationship isnt working and you feel you need to leave then you should! one tip though... if you say your going to leave then leave.. and if you do leave then dont go back right away. i watched my mother do this time and time again and everytime we went back it was worse.

    hope this give some insite from my point of view.

  • seven
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    Why do you want to leave now if he's changed? How long has been a better husband/father? Some men really do wake up.

    Before you leave, how about talking to him about why he was such a jerk? Was he scared? Not like that's ok.. but maybe you can work through it.

    If you're really done though, you're done. Yeah, I'm sure your son would do better in a happily married home, but if that's not what you are, then what are your options?

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