Sofiakat asked in Pregnancy & ParentingAdoption · 1 decade ago

If a mother relinquishes her child voluntarily without being coerced or has neglected or abused her child and ?

the child is taken and parental rights are revoked, does that mean that the AP is still held responsible for the pain of the mother too?

Would those against adoption also be angry at an AP in this situation as well?



I have read some pretty interesting comments here. I was seriously just curious. I feel quite confident in my role as an AP and how adoption in my family took place.

I have just been trying to gain perspective of those who are die hard against adoption for any reason. I actually wanted to hear that side of the argument as to gain a better understanding of what the ideology was. I have seen many comments directed toward this type of idea and wanted to know what you all think.

Sometimes a question is just a question for the sake of knowledge, not for the sake of insult.

I think it is important to hear all sides of the argument, even ones that do not make sense to me.

Update 2:

Edit for Sly:

Wow. That was a pretty powerful response you gave. Just to clarify something for you though, I am not a saint by any means. I make mistakes like everyone else. Also, no my kids would not have ended up in the gutter. My son would be in an institution and my daughter would have been adopted by another family. Also, you sorta just answered my question with your sarcasm. Thank you. My kids were neglected and abused and parental rights were revoked. So I guess that would be a big fat YES to the fact that I am still responsible for the pain...interestingly I wasnt there for any of the originally pain, just there to pick up the pieces for my kiddies afterward.

Oh and thank you for your forgiveness. I forgive you for not seeing the real intent in my question.

Update 3:

I forgot to mention, I would never diminish the experience of other mothers. This was a totally seperate question about totally different sets of circumstances. I did not say ALL mothers or EVERY mother.

Update 4:

I have one thing left to say here and then I am done.

I was not trying to be insulting by any means. People can be believe what they want about what they think my motive for this question is.

The truth is written above.

As for my children's "bad mummy" (as someone put it) I love her. I wish to God she could have gotten her life together so my son could have had her, because in all reality she is all he wants.

I have done nothing but be frank and honest in every discussion on this board.

I was led here a few years ago, trying desperately to find answers for my son.

No matter how frustrated I have been with some of the ideologies on this board, I have always tried to be respectful of others thoughts and feelings and tried to learn to see from their point of view, especially those of adoptees as I know that in many ways they speak for my son and daughter.

I do not need approval from anyone; however I am quite shocked to be attacked in such a manner for a question taken out of context.

15 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I don't think we are responsible for the pain of the mother as in we are the cause of it; however, I do think we have a duty and ethic to be empathetic to their situation.

    The other mother of my children was quite neglectful and allowed very negative things to happen to her children, of which I will not say. She lived a very dysfunctional lifestyle and was not able to parent. She herself grew up in this dysfunction and was passed from foster home to foster home. She did not recover from her past before she had children.

    After the children moved in with me, she called the foster home that they were at, and asked the foster mom "please tell me they are the kind of people I woudl have liked to grow up with". She is a child, emotionally herself.

    While I deplore actions that occured, I have true empathy for her as she is and will always be attached to the children as a part of the history, adn hopefully when they are older, as part of their future. The more I have had my children, the more I fall in love with them and them with us, I feel sad for the other mother, I feel sad she is missing out on these wonderful times.

    Given these feelings that have emerged in me, and given the children are definately not allowed to see her anytime in the near future for many reasons, I have myself decided to meet with her annually if she wishes to let her know how the kids are, do a scrapbook, and hopefully when everyone is older and the mom is in a better place, I would be open to some visits. I thought I would feel jealous or entitlement, or even worried that my kids won't love me enough, but all I can find inside myself is compassion for her pain, and a desire to do what is right for everyone.

    No I did not cause, in any way, her pain, but I am now connected to her for life, and feel compassion for the pain she goes through. While I suffered pain through my infertility and subsequent knowlege I woudl never have biological children, I got over that pretty quick as I really felt guided to adopt older children, she will never get over the pain of losing her children. Whether or not the fault is hers, the pain is still real, and I think we as adoptive parents need to acknoweldge that pain will exist, and cannot pretend that our joy does not come at the expense of someone's pain.

    Honestly I started crying while writing this, hence it is so long. I think I jsut had a breakthrough.

    Thanks for hte question.

    Source(s): Adopted three wonderful children in April 2008.
  • 1 decade ago

    That happened to me, but as a baby I didn;t know. All I knew was that I was being taken from the person I had been inside for 9 months and that I had begun to bond with. The person who was supposed to protect me, feed me and provide me warmth. That is what I grieve today not the reason behind it, but what I lost as a baby.

    I also went through other trauma as I was adopted into an abusive home and then taken out again so again I felt unsafe and abandoned several times. This is what I grieve today, not the people but the security that I lost and that I kept losing.

    The laws required my surname to be changed on my birth certificate to my adoptive parent's names and my adoptive parents names as my father and mother. That is what I am angry about today. The laws that tried to change my identity.

    The social worker that worked with my parents when they fostered me when I was 5 months old told my parents to hide my history from me until I was 18. I ended up finding out these secrets myself when I was 15 and had to confront them. It shattered my trust in my adoptive parents. I am angry because the social worker advised my parents to do something that ruined my relationship with them.

    I have never been angry at my adoptive parents.

    Source(s): Adoptee
  • 1 decade ago

    Hubby and I just adopted an eight year old and fourteen year old cousins. One child is the biological sibling of another child we have adopted.

    One showed up on my doorstep in the middle of the night, pregnant and scared. The other was left by mom for a two weeks visit and never came back. Both mom's consented to the adoptions because they could not "handle" their girls anymore. I guess they were not grateful enough for their dysfunctional upbringing.

    We have been thrice blessed by mom's who willingly chose adoption and probably should have at birth.

    Source(s): Life....stranger than fiction.
  • 1 decade ago

    Sofia, are you aware of how provocative your question is? And how smug you sound? You ask a question such as this just to see if people can decipher your "real intent"? I don't know...that sounds a tad bit arrogant and mean spirited to me.

    How can you not see how broken our adoption system is? And yet you come here looking for what - reassurance that you rescued your children from a bad mommy? You accuse Sly of being sarcastic and yet your question is the epitome of sarcasm and passive aggressiveness.

    Why does it have to be about you and your feelings when asking how a mother who has lost her child to adoption feels? It's just kind of a creepy question if you ask me.

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  • 1 decade ago

    From my perspective I do see that many adoptees are angry at adoption in general, but there are some posters here that also target that anger toward adoptive parents.

    Instead of saying that if there were enough supports in place, adoption would never be necessary,the logic seems to be that if there were no adoptive parents, there would be no adoption.

    I do not believe that every (non-foster care) adoption is a coerced adoption.

    I think that APs get blamed because they have "the most to gain" from adoption and rather than being angry at a system, a process or circumstances, it's easier to blame some-ONE.

  • 1 decade ago

    Not that many mothers would relinquish their child,

    coercion is the main reason a child is lost to adoption

    that child being an infant. aps what infants not grown

    children they need to feel that they are the mother

    neglected children are usually place in foster care

    and their is a big difference between a newborn and an abused

    child the mother of the newborn is usually coerced.

  • SLY
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    What are you looking for here, Sofia? The exception that proves the rule. Yes, there are approximately 2% of women who do not desire to raise their own children. Do we make them the example? If that were all the women who were surrendering, there wouldn't be a problem. It is the rest, the women like Stephanie Bennett, and others, who are pressured, coerced and tricked into it. Those are the ones that are the horror stories, the ones like the mothers of the EMS who are given no choice, no options, and are desperate. In this country, the richest nation in the world, women and children should never be in a place of such desperation that they relinquish a child. If there is one who surrenders for that reason, it is one too many.

    I get tired of the repetitious, unending seeking approval that AP's seem to do, asking questions like this one. As if to prove that, "See, that mother lies, because this one is different!" Those AHA moments are lame and tiresome. Why is it necessary to try to disprove the stories of the women who have lived it, by making a lie of our stories, with stupid questions like this?

    Yes, I believe that there are a small handful of women who have no desire to parent their children. I believe there are some who are unable. I also know that the small number who ARE willing to surrender without a backward glance are way too few to feed the desire of those wanting infants. So, the secrecy and lies of adoption, which are protected by the sealed records, continue, and so do these nonsense questions that only serve to absolve the PAPS guilt.

    Here, Sofia, I forgive you. Your child was unwanted and if you hadn't saved him, would undoubtedly ended up in a gutter or landfill. You are a saint for saving him. Your adoption didn't hurt anyone, nor were you in any way responsible. That goes for all the other AP's and PAP's here, as well. An across the board forgiving, and from a mother, yet! .

    There, do you feel better?

  • 1 decade ago

    Once again the coveters of other women's children tries to tar us all with a very small brush. I am so tired of mothers of adoption loss being judged by their most minute and lowest common denominator. I am one of millions and I know what coercion is like.

    And I have another question. How would all those who adopt like to be compared to and judged by the actions of all those adopters and foster parents who have abused and even murdered the children in THEIR care?

    Those who adopt stand just as much of a chance of abusing, divorcing, having substance abuse problems, having affairs, going broke and neglecting. They are not saints. They are human beings just as we are not nympho child abusers but human women who were backed up against a powerful wall.

    It's about time that those who ask these kinds of specious and snide questions got over themselves.

  • No is responsible for the pain of the mother. I'm sorry. UNLESS, she was totally coerced.

    I know a lot will say they aren't angry with the AP's...but I see it here

    Pointe shoes......I guess I'm horrible then, no one coerced me to give up my son. no one even knew I was going to do it at first. It was my first decision as soon as the woman came into the room and sd " its positive".

    Source(s): adoptee and bmom
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I would like to answer this, but cannot since you have lumped everyone in with the abusers.

    Adoption due to abuse/neglect is completely separate from infant adoption (whether coerced or not.)

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