Why cant I stop caring about her?

I dated a girl from may till september, then I got in trouble at work and we broke up. Since then however she has tugged at the strings just enough to keep me from moving on. In addition she has done things like my laundry and bringing me groceries as I am in the army and was restricted to base even though she knows I know that she went back to her ex, and tomorrow she says she is bringing me food for thanksgiving as I will be alone. Last night we talked for about two hours and I told her how I felt about everything, she then tells me that I am every mothers wet dream and that she should be ecstatic to have me in my life but she dont know why she aint. All I said after that was that I just wanted a chance to show her I learned from my mistake. I am so pissed right now after last night, I have tried to move on been on dates, but no matter what I do I cannot stop thinking about her. Why do I keep caring? she broke my heart un like anyother and i am 28 and she is 27 and a single mom.


I bought her a gift card to a day spa as a way to say thanks for helping me while I was stuck on base

1 Answer

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    This former significant other likes being around you, but for some reason has decided she doesn't want to be with you. This reason can go from the very things you fear, to random things you can't even guess at. At this point, I'm not sure it really matters (unless there's some misunderstanding that you can fix).

    It is very likely that being around you makes her feel better -- being able to interact with you causes her to be able to feel the good emotions associated with you. The problem is that it is at your expense. If this woman does not want to be in a relationship with you, and you don't think there is any way to change her mind, you need to cut off contact with her. Being around somebody who rejected you is just painful... bittersweet, but in the end leaves you in a worse emotional state than you were before. Not to mention you are giving her the opportunity to act like you are still together without having to face any of the issues. Don't let her do that. It's not OK. And you need to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life. Something you can't do while she is still doing your laundry and hanging out on base with you.

    And that's not to say never talk to her again. But you need time and space to figure out what it is you are going to do everyday when you get off that doesn't involve her. Pick back up the things that make you happy... Call people you haven't talked to in a long time... Hit up other soldiers to help you out with getting things from off base... Let your friends drag you out to places you don't really feel like going, so that you can feel some of the happiness and belonging that you don't feel like feeling... you get the drift.

    And at some point in the future, you will get up one day and realize that missing her wasn't the first thing you thought about when you woke up. There's no way to avoid the pain of this process, but you can prolong it by continuing to see the person that is the reason you feel that pain.

    It sucks when two people don't want the same things out of a relationship, but my advice to you is that it's time to take care of yourself. Stop focusing on her and focus on you. If being around her hurts you, tell her so, and tell her that you need to not be around her for a while. This has the added bonus of making her think about whether she really wants you out of her life. (I imagine she will let you know if not being around you hurts her more than why she decided to give up in the first place.) Even if that is not the case, you are still better off taking steps to move on sooner, rather than later.

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