wowsocheap asked in 社會與文化語言 · 1 decade ago

幫忙我修改一下cover letter(20點)

Dear Sir/Madom

This letter is to express my interest in discussing the Nutritionist position posted on the North Shore Times ad. I believe this is the correct position for me as I feel that my experience and education fit the type of person you are looking for to fill this position.

I have great interest in helping people to eat healthy, choose/shop right foods, and plan a meal. I know how to have a healthful eating plan to manage a normal weight throughout life. I like to tell people how to eat can lower their cholesterol level, triglyceride level, blood pressure, and insulin resistant. I am able to help people how to eat can prevent and manage several diseases such as obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, metabolic syndrome, osteoporosis and cancer. I am able to organise my knowledge well and express clearly to the clients.

I look forward to speaking with you further about what I can offer Harbour Health as a nutritionist. I enclose my CV for your further consideration.

Thank you very much for your time.

Yours sincerely

Cathy Wang

Update:

你修改了內容

可以麻煩你解釋一下為什這樣改

哪裡會比較好等...

我要理由, 例如說我哪裡寫錯了

Update 2:

謝謝這位大大

我不是覺得你寫的不好

我覺得你改的很好

而是我比較追求追根究柢

我喜歡知道背後的理由

再者cover letter的example太多

而且網路上回答者素質攙疵不齊

只有百分之不到一的機會能遇到真正會英語的人

1 Answer

Rating
  • JoeDub
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Dear Sir/Madom

    This letter is to express my interest in discussing the Nutritionist position posted on the North Shore Times ad. I believe my experience and education background would be able to bring benefits to this position.

    I am passionate in helping people to have healthy diet, choose the right foods, and plan for a meal. I am knowledgeable to manage a healthful diet plan. I'd like to share with people on how to lower their cholesterol level, triglyceride level, blood pressure, and insulin resistant by following a organized diet plan. I am able to help people to prevent several diseases such as obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, metabolic syndrome, osteoporosis and cancer. Moreover I am able to utilize my knowledge well and express clearly to the clients in details.

    I look forward to further discuss with you about how I am able to further compliment Harbour Health with my professionalism as a nutritionist. My CV is as enclosed for your further consideration. Thank you very much for your time.

    Sincerely Yours, <----或(Yours Truly)

    Cathy Wang

    我覺得妳寫得很棒了ㄚ

    以上是我給的小小意見

    給妳參考

    請多多指教

    2008-11-25 08:29:44 補充:

    I believe this is the correct position ----- type of person you are looking for to fill this position. <-這樣寫沒錯,但對顧主來說他們有什麼好處? 只是對妳來說這是一個好的職位嗎? 所以我改成: I believe my experience and education background would be able to bring benefits to this position.

    2008-11-25 08:36:33 補充:

    I have great interest in helping -- I know how to have a healthful eating plan to manage a normal weight throughout life. <---我用熱忱代替興趣,工作上的熱忱比興趣有力,我diet代替eat只是在這兒用diet會比較專業,

    2008-11-25 08:36:40 補充:

    Choose/shop為同義,I know how to have a healthful eating plan to manage a normal weight through life,這句聽起來有點問題,翻過來是我知道如何吃得健康來維持一個一輩子健康的體重,所以我改成: I am knowledgeable to manage a healthful diet plan.

    2008-11-25 08:41:30 補充:

    我只是將我覺得會比較好的辭意表答給妳供妳參考

    覺得不好妳可以不要用!

    我沒有修改內容

    內容是照妳的原文延伸出來的!

    要我把所有的理由講出來要花蠻多時間的

    是我用我曾應徵人和被應徵的經驗

    我說過

    我覺得妳寫得也很好

    不是說被改就是有錯

    是妳來發問的不是嗎??

    不一定我改得就比較好

    妳自己斟酌使用

    謝!!!

    2008-11-25 23:56:49 補充:

    I like to tell people how to eat can lower their cholesterol level, triglyceride level, blood pressure, and insulin resistant. 喜歡告訴別人怎麼吃來降低膽固醇......我改為分享,還有其實我的版本這段最後的organized diet plan, 也可改為organized diet schedule.

    2008-11-26 00:04:14 補充:

    I am able to help people (這裡不然加"on"不然就把"how"去掉) how to eat can prevent and manage (管理幾種疾病?) several diseases such as obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, metabolic syndrome, osteoporosis and cancer.

    2008-11-26 00:04:27 補充:

    (這裡已連續用了好多次I am able to來作開頭, 所以我用了Moreover)I am able to organise (我把整合改為善用) my knowledge well and express clearly to the clients (in details詳細的).

    2008-11-26 00:16:01 補充:

    I look forward to "speaking with you further" (這個片語有點怪所以我改成further discuss with you) about what I can offer Harbour Health as a nutritionist(這句是沒錯的只是身為應徵者如果低調謙恭將會比較能討雇主的喜, 所以我改為about how I am able to

    2008-11-26 00:16:20 補充:

    (其實further也不用加因前面已用過) compliment Harbour Health with my professionalism as a nutritionist. I enclose my CV for your further consideration. (這句也沒有錯, 我把它變得口語化一點結束增加親切感,

    2008-11-26 00:16:32 補充:

    那其實最後的further也可以不用加, 所以是Please find my CV is as enclosed for your consideration. Thank you very much for your time. <---這句在書信的寫法應是包括在內文裡的

    2008-11-26 00:18:51 補充:

    Sincerely Yours, <----我有為妳上網去查應這樣用的人較多或妳也可以用Yours Truly

    2008-11-26 00:24:28 補充:

    版主大大

    妳也真的是很幸運ㄛ

    連百分之一的機率都給妳撞到了

    希望以上的回答能對妳的求職有幫助

    誠心的祝福妳

    看樣子妳要應徵的這間Harbour Health

    是在紐西蘭或是加拿大吧

    因為美國拼Harbour是拼成Harbor

    以上的回答如果還有不懂的

    也歡迎妳再發問

    我的msn是: goldenguitar520@msn.com

    Source(s): 自己
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