muslims - please help me show my husband he's wrong and that real muslims dont do the things he does!! Please?

I went on a girly holiday and met my husband. He was Tunisian and we had only known each other for 3 mths when we got married in Tunisia. I was so in love and he was great with my 3yr old son. We applied for a settlement visa for him to live with us in the UK and in Jan 2006, he came here to the UK on a settlement visa lasting 2 years and expires mid Jan 2009. Since he came here he has changed so much. We were over the moon when I immediately fell pregnant as we were both desperate for a baby and were so in love but things got really bad, we argued nite and day, he changed into a controlling, violent man who I dont even know anymore. I visited the doctor to see about maybe an abortion although hated the thought of it, especially after having 1 child already but it was better than bringing a baby into the nightmare, I was too far gone so when he explained it was not a simple thingto do abortion was no longer an option, it was barbaric to me what they would have to do :-( I hoped and prayed that it was just a culture shock and he hated the uk and would settle in. He prev worked in hotels as an entertainer (not really hard work!) and all of asudden he was labouring on a building site so I understand his frustration, there was other factors eg we thought his qualifications in Tunisia would be valid here but werent so he was basically unemployable to most as an unskilled worker basically. Before we e had the baby, things were still bad but after she was born in Dec 07 he seemed to wake up and was lovely. He apologised for everything as said she had changed his life and he respected me so muchmore now I was the mother of his child, he was emotional through the birth and we were so close again and was again a great stepdad to my 5 yr old boy. It didnt last and the arguments started again over stupid things, he says I nag and I prob do but he goes to the extreme and hes getting worse. I am now at the stage where my paremts have my daughters passport as he has threatened numerous times to kidnap my daughter and take her to Tunisia. The police have been called to the house cos the neighbours reported him assaulting me outside in the street and him shouting late at night. We are now arguing mainly about religion. He is born Muslim and my parents christened me but I do not really believe in a religion and I believe religion causes most the worlds problems. he says SHE IS MUSLIM and I say NO SHE ISNT, I donot give her pork out of respect for him and I have told him that he can teach her his muslim way etc and I will tell her that Daddy is a muslim and he believes in this and this etc etc. I will tell her Iam christian but I dont really feel strongly about religion and she can make up her won mind but its not good enough for him and he is becoming more violent and nasty everyday. i dont know what else to do thats why I am here now writing to you all. I know you are going to say leave him but I am worried he will take my daughter and the police arent much good until hes actually done something!! Please help

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    That's what happens when you let your emotions cloud your mind.

  • MoeZ
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    It is not religion. I am a Muslim, but I was born and raised in the US, and I am very assimilated. One major issue, though, is that Muslims put a lot of their identity into their culture.

    Islam is not a culture specific religion, and is very adaptable to almost any culture. I have no problem being a devout Muslim in Western society, and neither should he.

    Another thing, (at least with Arabic culture, I don't know if he is Arabic) is that family is a major factor, and because of the way the Arab, and Muslim world views the west, his family might think you are a bad person, simply because you are from the UK. (The UK has really messed up middle east over the last 200 years, so you can see where it comes from). His family might be putting stuff in his head, but you can't really confront him about that.

    Honestly, I think this is very much a culture clash, and not a religious one. What you are saying you are doing is very much within Islamic law. Islam says a Muslim can marry a non Muslim, and their only obligation is to teach their children about Islam, and let the child decide.

    Also, he's not being a very good Muslim, because a Muslim man must treat his wife with respect. I suggest to you, to read the section of the Quran titled "The Women". It's all about how a man must treat women, and when he starts going against it, point out how he is being a bad Muslim. With the Quran as your proof, he can't really argue.

  • 1 decade ago

    What you have isn't a religious problem. You have an abusive spouse. You need to deal with it, because it will only get worse. There will be times of apology & it looking better, but then will come back even worse. That's the pattern these things take & the calm times fool people into thinking it can improve.

    Contact crisis hotlines, especially ones for battered women. Get advice from them, not us here. You may be able to go into a shelter for a while. You definitely need to plan this carefully, because leaving is the most dangerous time. Once you're past that, things will be better again. Your children as you said, are in danger too.

    Look in a local phone book, call the local government, find the resources you need. You can not talk someone out of being this way or have him change because his religion tells him too. It takes much more than that. Unfortunately, culturally it is more common than one would wish in SOME of the Muslim countries for men to be dominating over their wives & beat them. So, it's unlikely for there to be a quick fit there. I'm getting that info from a Syrian woman doctor who rather reluctantly said she found this in her practice (in the US), and is working to change it. Other's have concurred. This does not make it okay in Islam, it's just the way things are at the moment. If he happened to be raised this way, you can give it one go with presenting other views from Islam, but if it doesn't work right way -- then it's likely a cultural thing & ingrained deeply.

    For now don't fight over what you can avoid fighting over like religion, while you figure out how to leave safely.

    All the best. It's awful when our dreams get ruined. Your showing good instincts. Stick with them.

    ====

    Also get yourself some therapy, & if the person doesn't seem quite right, find another therapist. It's hard to go through this kind of thing without support.

  • 4 years ago

    I agree with you wholehardedly. We need to reform ourselves. Increase knowledge of deen. Make it a big deal when children are small so that when they are older it is a big deal. Education, Education, Education. Live Islam so the children have good examples. Teach Islam so that the children understand. And realize that perhaps all of the negativity that has been cast on the Ummah could be perhaps Allahs way of putting us in a position to turn to Him instead of fighting everything else when in fact it is He who allows it and only He who can stop it if only we all turn to Him and stop being disobedient and giving power to and fearing those who will one day die like us. Action is very important but the right action is even better. I believe that we are being punished as Muslims collectively, and allah has perhaps allowed our enemies power over us, because of this disobedience. You cannot believe he controls the good and bad if you do not recognize this also. We need to practice Islam as we truly believe that it is the only way to success. As-Salaamu Alaikum

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  • 1 decade ago

    That was a long read... Ok heres my solution to your problem, first of all Muslim men and women are not supposed to marry outside their religion. You say your not really big on religion, so why does it matter to you if the child is Muslim or not? Before you start judging please study the religion of Islam first. If hes starting to threaten to take your children than thats a problem, TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS MATTER, Islam Forbids Kidnapping, tell him that, As for how Muslim men are allowed to beat their wives -- it's simply not true. If a man does raise a finger against his wife, he is not allowed to leave a mark on her body, which is the Quran's way of saying, "Don't beat your wife, stupid." If his religion means something to him, than explain this to him. If he is a true Muslim, he will realize his mistake. As for the fighting, you two will have to compromise with that.

    Hope I helped

    Source(s): Practicing Knowledgeable Muslim
  • 1 decade ago

    i understand your problem.. and i also see several problems in this situation

    1. i am a muslim.. and even then... i know that i should be saying your daughter should become a muslim. and if i was christain.. i should be saying your daughter should become a christain. but truly, i think that your daughter should be given the chance to follow whichever religion she wants to.

    2. It is not a problem of religion when it comes to the way he acts because in Islam... women are supposed to be highly respected... and honestly, hes not givin u any respect. so hes not a true muslim.

    3. i understand that you dont want him to hurt your children.. so you need to somehow get proof or witnesses that could send him to jail and rid you of your problems..

    Good luck and stay safe :)

    Source(s): a muslim teen
  • 1 decade ago

    I think his religion is not the issue here.

    Im married to a wonderful Muslim man who would never dream of treating me or his family this way.

    If hes violent towards you then you should remove yourself and your kids away from him.

    Things will only get worse .

  • 1 decade ago

    Yes what he did wrong was to marry a woman who had no religious convictions. This is where all the problems arise. but thell him this:

    Allah commands that the husband please his wife, and take her advise into concideration and please her needs.

    also please do not argue and say your daughter Isnt a Muslim...there is nothing wrong with Islam it gives people very high morals plus it would be a sin for him to have a daughter he is not allowing to be muslim. Do not do this or there will be many problems.

  • .
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    get a divorce what can i say what can you do..to keep the girl get people as witnesses as to show how violent he is...

    really though its two people who are right in their own ways of you think about it..but because of different cultures living experiences etc all you can do is try to live happily as a family... who says family life is perfect ang good?

  • 1 decade ago

    he won't take her if he can't find her, your children are seeing this in there home and will grow up to believe that this is normal so if you do not want you son to be a tyrant and grow up beating on women and your daughter to grow up under the force and law of a controlling husband then you need to make a decision on weather ot not you choose to be a good roll model to them or stay and decide that they can sort their trauma later, ship saving for college save up for therapy for them, sorry to be harsh but wake up and smell the abuse happening

  • 1 decade ago

    u must get away from this man. the religion will always divide you. get a lawyer fast and end the marriage. arrange if possible though the courts for him to see ur children every week, make shure he feels secure u wont take them away. this makes a man like this do terrible things, such as kidnap and even worse. your children come first now. this marriage is too far gone id say. it would have been savable if religion didnt come into it. there must be a law that protects u and ur kids if he has threatened kidnap, consult a professional laywer now!

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