Getting married 12/08,but living in different states for the first year and half of marriage. Is that wise?

I'm a single mother i have a daughter not by the man who i am engaged to. i live at home with my mother. everyone knows that wisdom is admirable by God and I try to live by that. My fiance is in school in another state. he says that we should get married now because what would be the difference from doing it now than later other than our living arrangements and still live apart. thats a big deal to me. i told him that in every situation we should use wisdom regardless to our own personal feelings. he say's that we won't be able to move back together until he is financially stable. only God knows when that will be. he doesn't graduate from college until 2009 maybe 2010 depending on how it goes. my thing is i don't think that i can be married and live 5hrs away from my husband and be comfortable with it. he tells me well at least we won't be living in sin when we see each other because we'll be married and that marriage is honorable,which i already know. he says he's just ready for it now. i don't want to feel like i still have to depend on my family b/c my husband isn't financially stable to take care of us. When i told him maybe we should wait until we can be together he got mad at me and said that i must be scared because im trying to post pone things. I told him that it wasn't like that. so he said give me a reason why it wouldn't be wise to get married right now i told him because we cant live together he told me that the reason i gave wasn't good enough and thinks im afraid to marry him which im not.he got really mad and almost wanted to break things off. im positive i want to marry him i just want it to be the right time to get married. we have been in a relationship for 2 1-2 years friends since 15 we are both 22 right now. please tell me your thoughts. its much more to all of this but i just don't have the time to write it and you're probably tired of reading this.

23 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    I think the first few years of marriage are key in the bonding process of a relationship. Those are the years you're just starting out, learning more about each other, and making memories that are going to last for the rest of your lives.

    Being together is essential. I'm in a long distance relationship right now, and I know it's the hardest thing I've gone through. But once we're married, there will be no distance and we'll be able to be it should be.

    If you were okay with the idea, then MAYBE i'd say hey you love each other,go for it. But it really sounds like youre not comfortable with the idea at all, and that he's pressuring you into doing this. So, don't.

    Tell him either you're together when you get married (what ever your date may be) Or you wait.

    If he loves you, he'll understand...if not, then maybe this isn't the right move for either of you.

    Good luck!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    First of all both of you are really young. It seems like he is trying to put you in a situation of marrying you in hopes of tying you down, and you not being able to date anyone else while he's away at school. Also, he may be frustrated if you are sticking to the no sex rule. I would say go for it, but there doesn't seem to be any concrete plans in place. I could see if you'll were both saving money together and within a year or so you and your daughter would move there. How often do you get to see each other? I think you need to speak with him about this, because it's obvious that you have some reservations about this, and you have more to think about than just yourself. If you speak with him and he gets really upset, and almost to the point of possibly breaking it off, maybe it's best that you let him go. If that happens, you could use this time to focus on you and your daughter and establish yourself.

  • 1 decade ago

    I think you're right in wanting to postpone actually getting married until the two of you can be together in the same place and live together like a husband & wife should. If you both love each other and are committed to the relationship, why the need to rush it? If your relationship is meant to be, you'll still be together when he's done with school and when he can get a job and take care of you and your child. Getting married is a big responsibility for each of you, and it doesn't sound like either one of you are ready yet. You need to be able to take care of yourself and your child but you're still living with your mom. He needs to finish school and get a job so you can survive. And those are just the basics of life, what if you move in together and can't stand each other? It's different being with someone who is 5 hours away all the time and then moving in together and having them around 24/7. I think it would be wise for you both to wait until your more mature and in a better place financially. Living apart isn't easy but being married and living apart for the reasons you've mentioned doesn't sound like a great way to start your lives together. Something to think about...good luck.

    Source(s): Happily married!
  • 1 decade ago

    I can understand why you have reservations about this. How do you know when he will finally be financially stable enough for you guys to finally move in and live together? What if he graduates college in a longer time than planned, or can't get a job once he does graduate? That means you would be living apart for the next 2-5 years!

    Marriage is a lot of communication and is about sharing your lives with each other intimately. It goes far beyond the physical and sexual relationship.

    You have a child to think about also, so you do need to rely on wisdom more than just wishful thinking. If you live apart for a long time, you marriage would surely disintergrate, not to mention being in college environment, he would be in situations of temptation to cheat on you.

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  • 1 decade ago

    What happens if you get pregnant by him? If he isn't ready to live with you as your husband, you aren't ready to be getting married. This is a big decision and commitment that you have to be behind. It lasts for life and you have to make it work. It is better to delay the marriage to give it a more solid footing than to have the marriage without acting like a married couple.

    Tell him it is better for you both to practice discipline than to get married before you are ready to live as a family. Marriage is hard and you don't need to be making it harder by living apart during the beginning of it.

    Don't get married because you feel like he is pushing you towards this. You may resent it later. You have to on your own make this decision. It is the last decision of your life that you will make unilaterally if you do choose to marry him so soon.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It sounds as if he is afraid if you don't get married you will go out with other men while he is away at school. Especially since you already have a child out of wedlock.

    But trust me, being married and living apart will not work. And it is not wise to get married under conditions.

    I say wait until he can support the both of you. If he doesn't want to wait and ends it then it was never meant to be.

    Stay home !

  • 4 years ago

    Happens all the time! How else would Vegas be so popular for weddings? You just need to get a Marriage License and pay the fee before you get married in whichever state you choose. The license is only good for the state you get it in.

  • 1 decade ago

    Okay let me give you a little back ground. I have a 6 year old son now and he is not my husbands. I was very worried about moving too fast and my son getting attached to him and stuff but only seeing him on the weekend. It was so hard I thought I was going to be so miserable. We date for some time living in different places and were even engaged living in different places, it was so miserable. I wanted him there with us.

    If after we got married I would have to wait a year or more being married and not being able to have him there with me I would go nuts. Its so hard, its like it makes your relationship stronger but LORD JESUS! Once I had waited 6 years to have sex (religious beliefs), then got married and released myself, I cannot deal with not see him or let alone having to make arrangements to have sex that would be unbearable!

    Source(s): I am 25 and my husband is 33. Been married almost a year.
  • 1 decade ago

    Umm... you're possibly getting married in a month, and you haven't figured this out yet?!?! It doesn't sound lke you have any work done for the wedding and it's hard to plan (at least a traditional) wedding with only a month to go (the wedding dress alone can take months to come in and be altered).

    Also, you're right about it being silly to be "married" but living with your parents. Can I ask why you are living at home when you're 22 years old? Sounds like you need to get a J-O-B. Then you can be financially stable on your own without anyone taking care of you. If you helped him you could both be married, live together now, and take care of one another.

    It sounds like at the moment he wants the benefits of being married without the responsibility. They go hand in hand in my world.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It could work, but it depends on your love and determination. My mom and stepdad got engaged while she was in CA and he in GA. They got married in TN, then he got deployed to Iraq for almost a year. Theyve been married 5 years, and only been together for about 2.5. I think you should wait until he's closer, just to make sure youre not rushing anything. But it would also be a great test for you two to get married now and spend time apart. In the end its your decision. I wish you luck.

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