Is this usual or unusual?
I have a close friend who I have been friends with for about 20 years. I am childless, it is my choice and i have many reasons for not wanting children. Three years ago she had a baby, and I was delighted for her. Then she and her partner split up, and she is now a single mother. Just recently, I am witnessing behaviour from her that I really dont recognize. She had a bit of a go at me the other day for not having children! And said something that really hurt me (about its a good job the survival of the human race didnt depend on the likes of me) And yet in the past, before she had her child, she was the most open minded non judgemental person that you could ever wish to meet. So, what I am asking is, is this usual or unusual behaviour? Do some women have lobotomies when they have a child?
- mhwLv 41 decade agoFavorite Answer
Obviously, her opinions have changed. I don't know if it is the stress of being a single parent or being alone or something else that has changed it. It sounds like she is consoling herself of having to do this alone in the fact that she is helping the survival of the human race - she is delusional as there are MANY people helping that cause! I have not yet read about the world's population decreasing... So sorry she has decided to turn on you - when what she may really be needing is a good friend. Perhaps she was just having a bad day? Or she is wishing you would have a child so the two of you could share that experience? I agree with you, if you cannot make a 20+year committment to raising a healthy child, you should not do it. Your views should be respected, as she used to - not thrown up in your face and used to belittle you. I would have to ask her what THAT was all about...
- ShamanLv 71 decade ago
Ouch! For that lobotomy remark. That's harsh.
However.... I'm reading something in your description that I'll offer.
It's pure supposition, but I'd say your friend is undergoing some inner conflicts. Factors:
1) She's a parent. (Stressful enough under the best circumstances.)
2) She's a single parent. Definitely adding to the stress and possibly causing some feelings of regret. Though she really doesn't regret the child, she probably feels regrets over the circumstances. She wants to be a parent, but wants to give her child the best raising and maybe doesn't feel like she can do that with current circumstances. After all, she didn't think she'd be doing this alone when thoughts of parenthood started, did she?
3) Even the best parents who wouldn't trade parenthood for anything, doesn't mean they don't have moments of thinking it would be nice to have some time of "freedom" like they had in their single days.
All this can set up an inner conflict between wanting "freedom" from the burdens of parenthood and her particular circumstances AND feelings of guilt for any thoughts that seem like regretting having that child. Part of her identity is being a parent now. And she may also feel a need to justify why she chose the path she is now on.
The inner villain of the conflict becomes that part of herself which desires that freedom. But since none of us can handle on a conscious level such thoughts as not liking ourselves, we project such issues onto those who symbolize that inner villain. In this case, she may be projecting her resentment of herself (any part of herself that seems to regret being a parent) onto you who embraces that existence. Which would explain her change in behavior toward you and/or other ppl who are childless.
If you truly are her friend, don't take such things personally. Maybe in a gentle, kind way (but without accusation, condemnation, or condescention) nudge her into talking about her feelings. Let her find her way to understanding what she's really feeling and allow her to give voice to the inner conflict.
You'll be doing her a favor and getting your friendship back onto the right path.
- ArbyLv 51 decade ago
Insanity runs in families. Parents get if from their children.
Seriously, it is totally common for people under as much stress as your friend is under to come unglued at times.
Try not to take it personally. If she is a good friend and not just an acquaintance of 20 years, then you know how she really feels about you.
It might be a cue that she is feeling overwhelmed, as other posters have suggested. It might be that you could offer to baby sit so that she could grab a nap or a little "me" time, or invite her over for a meal she doesn't have to cook or clean up after. Another thoughtful gesture would be to make a meal and take it to her.
You have nothing to apologize for, but also be careful that you aren't using language that she could be taking offense at, perhaps along the lines of how selfish she has become now that she is absorbed in the baby. Again, things you have talked about in the past may be in her mind and due to the stress, out of proportion. Try not to take her current reactions personally, unless you have done something to set her off. Likely, it's just thedemands of raising a child, and now the demands of doing it alone that are hurting her.
- charcindersLv 71 decade ago
Sounds to me like she's a little envious of your freedom.
If she has another "go", you might point out that your taxes will help pay for the education of her child. Also, the survival of the human race is not in any jeopardy, in fact at some stage it is going to depend on people not having children!
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
I think she's just might be going through a rough time because she split up with her partner and she is now a single mother looking after her child alone. Help her through it by being supportive and kind, plus visiting regularly
- Anonymous1 decade ago
She's probably dealing with stress from many other areas you don't know about.
Being a single parent is very difficult.
As well as coping with a failed marriage/relationship.
Perhaps her child is all she has going for her, and she needs to fixate.
- ozzyLv 41 decade ago
Within she is extremely angry because she is well aware of the responsibilities of raising a child. Imagine the three years of screaming,crying,whining,diapers,puking,sickness,shots,etc.,and the aggressive anger of having to do it alone. Put this with the thoughts of doing it for another 15 years. She is extremely angry and jealous of you because you are free of this difficult obligation.I sure wouldn't be hurt for her lashing out i would consider my blessings.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
1 - yes, breeding makes you crazy.
2 - single mother? she's probably tired as hell. No wonder she's a little cranky.