Should I just let her raise her son?

Me and my girl have been together going on 5 years and she's got 2 sons. I have a daughter. They range from 12 - 14 years old. Her oldest son is a problem. He has this attitude like he's tough and wants to be hard. Every year in school for the past 3 years he's been suspended for at least 10 days. Friday, they were on their way home and a girl was messing with him. Long story short his hands ended up around his throat. Of course he gets suspended for 5 days. My girl think it's my fault because I won't sit down and talk to them like she thinks I should. Their dad hasn't been around in at least 5 or 6 years and she refuses to tell them why but it's my fault because I haven't talked to them. I try to discipline them but she goes behind me and under-minds everything I try to do.

What should I do?

If I stop then she tends to think I don't care and that leads to an argument like "you only want to raise your daughter, what about my boys?" But if I punish them then I'm too harsh. No TV or no PSP or no PS3 is not harsh. Getting suspended then having to make other arrangements for him for a week or two is.

What do I do? She won't listen to reason.

9 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    This is a common problem these days of blended families. There needs to be an agreement between the adults regarding discipline the mates children. Both parties have to feel safe that (1) everyone is treated evenly (2) both parties have only the best interest of the children.(3) decisions will be honored by both adults and no undermining will take place. Tell her that when you undermine the others authority you are doing an injustice to the child. Remember children will model their future relationships on what they observe growing up. Try to come to a mutual understanding regarding what punishments should be for minor and major offenses a head of time. Then when it is time to hand it out, you will know what to expect and there won't be "emotional" factors contributing to it.

  • 1 decade ago

    First of all, the oldest boy needs some serious counselling and help or he is going to wind up in jail for assault or even murder. He should never put his hands around another person's throat -- period, end of story. He should have been dealt with the first time he was suspended, not waiting until now to begin to deal with his issues.

    As for the issues with your girl, you need to tell her that she undermines you when you try to discipline her boys and that is the reason you no longer try. Sit with her and develop discipline rules -- for every rule infraction this is the punishment. Once you set up a system and make sure the kids know the rules, it should be easier to discipline everyone.

    Good luck!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Get counseling and try to raise all of the children together ... it's sad the epidemic of broken homes that is occurring throughout the world ... I can't say much since I never been in a situation like this except to communicate because I was once an unruly teenager too ( but not too much ... just typical teenage rebellion ) ... express themselves ... tell the truth ... talk each other ... help one another ... stay together ... do what is best not just for the child but the parent as well ... for the family

    Source(s): Raised by a married father and mother and still together for more than 30 years
  • 1 decade ago

    I was the "girl" in your situation except we only had my son to deal with. My husband adopted my son when he was 10. But I still felt that he was "MY" son so I did the same thing your girl is doing. He would punish our son, and I would go behind him and "take it back" and let him do/have whatever he wanted. I guess I felt guilty that his "real" dad wasn't around. My son started giving us trouble when he was about 12 and by 14 he was stealing our car in the middle of the night. At 17 he was stealing my husbands motorcycle in the middle of the night. And by 18 he had a drug problem. We almost got a divorce over my son (and we also have 2 little guys). I realized we needed to be a united front if we wanted to HELP him.

    I had to stick with my husband and back him up when disciplining our son. If I had an issue with the punishment I had to learn to wait until our son was not around to voice my opinion. This worked beautifully!!! My husband and I are in a good place in our relationship now, our son is 20 (today!!) he became a father 3 days ago, he has a great job a good car and we are now very proud of him. I can't say enough times that I had wished I had backed my husband up sooner and maybe we wouldn't have had as many problems. Kids need to know there are consequences for their actions. They need to know that they can't "weasle out" of anything and everything they get themselves into.

    Have a serious talk with your girl. Tell her that what this is doing is setting a bad example for the other children. Let her know that you love her and ALL the children and want them to grow up with a good strong sence of right and wrong and what happens when you do something wrong. Years from now, I hate to say it, but your boy won't be able to have his mom turn around and get him out of jail "scott free."

    Keep doing what you're doing disciplining her children. They need to know that at least ONE "dad" cares enough.

    Good luck. YOU are on the right track...you just need to get your girl running on the same circle.

    Source(s): Me
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  • 1 decade ago

    She wants you to be the bad guy and do the disciplining but goes behind your back about it? And then she complains about you only wanting to raise your own daughter? Big neon warning sign! She needs to discipline her own children or they're just going to resent you. If she won't listen to your concerns, and you love her enough to continue with the relationship then you may want to consider family counseling. Let the expert explain to her how she's messing up. She sounds like she's going to need some help with that older boy of hers unless she wants to see him caught up in the judicial system. She isn't doing her kids any favors by how she's handling things now. Good luck to you and be ready to pull out of the relationship to retain your own sanity.

  • 1 decade ago

    I'm the more stern parent in my relationship with my boyfriend. I am harsh on his son because I will not allow a 6-year-old with a bad attitude tell me what to do. His son hasn't been taught to respect anyone besides his father, and I will not stand for it. I love him and I will do anything to get him to act right!

    A while back, I had to have a talk with my boyfriend and tell him that he had a choice to make. Either I could completely back off and let him raise his son without any help or influence from me; or he could completely 200% support my decisions as an adult and his girlfriend. That means no help in feeding, bathing, decision-making, bedtime...nothing!!! (Needless to say, he chose the latter.)

    Since we had that talk, his son has slowly (but surely) started to come around and respect me. (The relationship between my boyfriend and I has been strengthened to a new level as well.) I've had to tell him more than a few times that "Daddy and I are a team and whatever I say, Daddy will say". He still doesn't understand all the time, and he tries me, but I know he's improved. I have nowhere to go but up!

    Here's my suggestion. You need to go to one extreme or the other. Either you can JUST raise your daughter and not bother yourself with her son...meaning DO NOT BOTHER YOURSELF AT ALL IN ANY WAY, or you can help in the raising and parenting of her son with her full and complete support. However, you need to explain to her that in order for the latter to be successful, she needs to not question your parenting. If you take something away for a month, she shouldn't say anything (at least not in front of her son)! You need to be a unified force. Worse case scenario, you take a week and show her what it's like for her to raise her son on her own. Don't help with ANYTHING...and I promise she'll come begging you for your help!

    Keep strong! Your #1 priority is your daughter, and make sure your girl knows and understands that. You don't need her or her son to be okay, but you are choosing to be with her. She needs to respect you, as her man and a parent!

    Source(s): Serious personal experience
  • seven
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    I think you and her need to talk for starters. If youre going to be together, each others kids are involved. She needs to either let you parent them and not undermine you, or do it herself.

    As for the kids, she's doing him a disservice. Tell her she's setting him up to fail in life and that's pretty sad.

    Ideally she'll let you talk to him and do whats right - he sounds like he needs all his material stuff taken away and he needs a good visit to the local prison - that's where he's headed if he doesn't wise up.

    good luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    My husband is stepfather to my two sons. He didn't have much empathy with them and he left me to bring them up. So I was the disciplinarian. Now he looks back and says he was unfair to me.

    I wanted him to step in, but be fair. With my husband it was either ignore them or overkill. It was really difficult and because we weren't on the same slate, it nearly killed our marriage.

    Speak to your wife about what discipline she thinks is fair. Discuss this before the problems arise. Ask her to work together with you, ask for her support and backup.

    And sit the little monster down before he misbehaves and tell him what the consequences are if he misbehaves.

    he's playing you both and getting away with murder. You need a united front. Two parents who pull together is scary. If they bicker between themselves, it's a joke.

  • 1 decade ago

    well it sounds like you cant win. Like you said if you talk to him she underminds what you say. Sit down with her and explain that you want to be a positive male role model for him BUT you need to be a team. This kid sounds like he is on a path to juvenile hall. It would be sad to see that happen when it could be avoided. You guys need to set some house rules that you can agree on and abide by. Good luck

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