Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Choosing Between Your Child And Your Wife ? PLEASE REPLY?

i was seeing this girl named katie towards the end of 2002 , she was also seeing another guy during this same time . once i found out she was pregnant i immediately called her and she adviced me that it is not my child and for me not to worry about it . so i being 18 years old at the time i mean what was i suppose to think i wasnt in a very good money situation to be hiring lawyers at that time.

so years had went by and one day i came across my ex's myspace profile with photographs of the child in question. it was my first time ever seeing the child but once i did at that point i just KNEW she was mine and they had lied to me for many years about this situation . ive tried contacting the mother she avoids me at all cost. after speaking with her best friend they informed me that this little girl is mine they said shes a spitting image of you theres no denying her . but regardless the mother of the child will not communicate with me so im left to the only other thing i can do and thats get a COURT ORDERED DNA and proceed with it the legal way so hopefully theyd abide by the law.

this pretty little girl is now 5 years old , if she is my child i would really like to be introduced into her life and support her in every way possible but what im afraid of is her well being through this change in her life i absolutely do not want to mess this little girl up i want to do whats in her best interest. CONTINUE TO PART2

Update:

(PART2) - now the next thing is ive been married to my wife for 5 years now we share two little boys together. before marrying my wife i informed her that i may be the father of a child from my x . my wife does not want anything to do with this situation she absolutely will not work with me in anyway on it she said once i hire a lawyer to proceed that we are getting divorced because she doesnt want this in her life . so what next ? should i take my x to court and get legal help in finding out dna ? or will all of this be bad for a 5yo girl ? and do i stay with my wife and just forget about the situation like my wife wants or do i stick to what my heart is telling me and do whats right for my daughter ? if i do though ill end up a single father

8 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
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    This little girl doesn't know that you are her father - she doesn't love you as a father. Her mother probably had told her horrible things about you. And your boys love you, you are the only father for them - if you try to contact your daughter you will probably disappoint them and destroy everything you and your present wife have!

    On the other hand, if your daughter eventually finds out who are you, she will probably feel betrayed because you haven't tried contacting her! Anyway, she has passed the earliest stage of her life - you were absent from her first memories and she will never perceive your presence in her life as well as you wish! This is the truth! To see her will cost you a lot - many problems and may even break your happy family! So, try to avoid it. You may find a way to contact here secretly, to get her admiration - you may meet her at school (or kindergarten) and bring a chocolate - in this way you will provoke her to think well of you... and if there is an appropriate situation - try to tell her the truth - but after some time has passed, so that to be sure how she would take it.

  • 1 decade ago

    Stay away from the x and the child. One, you will lose your current wife, and those two boys. Do not be a fool. Those boys will grow up to think that you didn't love them as much as the girl. Your wife will remarry and someone else will replace you in your sons live. I assume they are your sons? You write as if they, your wife and sons are not important. Your X does not want you in their lives, should you force yourself into it everyone will resent you. You will end up paying child support for 3 children and none will like,, or want you in their life. Let that little girl go, she does not need this. When she is 18, maybe she will show up on your doorstep and you can tell her how you wanted to be part of her life. The fighting and negative emotions surrounding this situation will create a very negative enviroment for the child. Leave it alone. I must say, you need to do some SERIOUS SERIOUS damage control with your current wife. If I was her, I would be so very hurt, that you would even consider putting this other child before my children, that I might not be able to get past it. You may have laided the groundwork for a divorce with the pain you have inflected upon your current wife.

  • 1 decade ago

    You need to ask yourself if you can walk away knowing what you know. This is a very serious matter that won't only affect your wife and daughter, but your own psychological health as well. You should talk to a professional who can look at the situation and assess it in a way that you might not be able to see because of the intense emotions that are there. If you say your heart is telling you something, then denying that might end up seriously damaging your relationship with your wife anyways.

    Her emotions on the matter are very understandable, she likely has many fears about what this would mean for your family, emotionally, financially, whatever, but its not like this will be the only hurdle your relationship will face, so its best to learn how to communicate about it now.

    I really do wish you luck! Only you can truly understand what's best; I'll be sending prayers your way.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    As a father myself, I must say that in every difficult situation you must choose for the good of the child. It would be terribly upsetting for the little girl to have her world and her security shattered by you arriving on the scene and being told you are really her father and her mother has lied to her all these years. Worse a father is not a sperm donor but the person who has been there with her through all of her life's ups and down and clearly that has not been you (through no fault of your own). The child would be led to doubt all the things that give her security - after all if she was lied to about her father is her mom really her mom? You will do far more harm than good in exerting "your rights".

    You are selfishly endangering you own marriage and may have irreparable damaged your relationship with your wife whose is quite rightly upset about your infatuation with a child you never met in preference to her and your children who you are raising together.

    In short you are being a selfish fool! True love denies what we want and put the needs of others first. If the real story ever comes out and child wants know why - you tell her the truth - I was mislead and when I found out the truth I faced the choice of destroying your childhood or bearing the hurt of not knowing you myself. I choose to suffer myself rather than let you endure the pain of knowing your mother deceived you and me. It is hard but true love does hard things.

    In the meantime you get down on your knees and tell your wife you are sorry that you gave the impression that you didn't care for her and your children.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I feel for you, this is a horrible situation to be in. You need to ask your current wife, "What would you do if you were me?" Would you give up your child. Tell her that you are not looking to get back with this girl, but only to reunite with a daughter who you never knew you had. She would expect you to be faithful to your current boys. You've gotta win her over first, then take the other girl to court for visitation rights.

    It's sad that you waited so long, but it is never too later to do the right thing.

  • 1 decade ago

    wow that's tough. you have to gauge what's important to you right now. and also, really think - are you saving your daughter from some imminent danger that you absolutely have to be in her life right now? does your present wife really that selfish and stubborn that she will not support you on this? do you have no alternative other than going to court just to communicate with your ex?

    do you think you can go slowly on this whole thing? like first, talk to your wife - tell her you need her to be supportive on this. beg her if you must. if she won't give you her support, then would you still want to be with someone so selfish? you have take things step by step and do it strategically. you can't do all things at once.

    i don't know if i helped one bit. but i'll pray for you and wish you all the best... good luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    This situation is saddening. The fact that the mother of the little girl won't communicate with you could be because you are her father and the mother doesn't want to risk having some one take her baby away, however this child is 5 I met my Dad when I was 8 for the first time, I am his spitting image, but after being involved with my dads family from the time I was 8 years old all the way until I was 21. I haven't spoken to him since, bc his wife felt that I was an adult now so if i came on her property I had better be prepared. She has always hated me, always treated me bad, and now they hate eachother.

    you have two little boys, you are their Daddy

    you may have a daughter

    you deserve to know if that is your daughter

    If you are her father or if you have no clue bc you never got the dna test how do you think this will manifest between you and your wife?

    Can you live with yourself if you never find out the truth? Can you live with your self if you did find out she is yours and didn't ever acknowledge her because your wife doesn't care enough or respect you enough to want to find out for your piece of mind. What does she think will happen? You will feel so guilty if you do nothing and for her to use your boys as leverage over your head is not right at all, she is being very cold and uncaring about the entire family. She would rather break up her family uproot her own children because she is married to a man who cares about what he should care about? Is there any missing info we are lacking here? I don't understand the selfishness, it makes me feel sick.

    No matter what, if you love your boys, your boys will know they are loved and as a father you have rights to custody. Kids know when they are cared about, theres no mistaking it.

    You need to talk with your wife and ask her what she is so against, is it the possibility of constantly having to deal with the mother of the girl? is it the fact that you may have to pay child support and she doesn't care about the wellbeing of your child then she doesn't really care about you. She is giving you the worst threat, putting you in a horrible position. If you don't find out, you will despise your wife, probably sooner rather than later and you will regret and miss out, 5 years old is young enough that she could be bonded to you in 2 hours and love you the rest of her life. Or she can think her father is the scum of the earth who didn't care enough to be there for her, she didn't bring herself into this world, she didn't ask to be put in the middle of a petty situation where a woman who supposedly loves you until death do us part in sickness and in health but no, not if you love your own daughter, what kind of a monster would do such a thing to anyone. You aren't the irrational one, and for her to be granted a divorce you have to sign the papers, don't sign them. make her deal with the issue, what does she think that this lil girl is going to come and ruin her life? just because you want to be there for your child doesn't mean you don't love your boys. You are there role model, their moral is going to come from mimicing you, what kind of message do you want those boys to learn about right and wrong and stepping up to the plate.

    Source(s): my own life and jerk father who is dead to me,
  • 1 decade ago

    To bad your wife is jealous of a relatioship that happened before you were married. Can you have the test done without her knowing? I would have the test anyway. You will need to have marriage counseling if there this a chance for this to work. Tell her that you will sure for full custody of the children if she shooses to leave you.

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