For married women only!?

I really don't need any smart-*** answers like, "Viagra". I'm serious.

I have been married for 10 years, and I love my husband very much.

3 years ago he had to be put on a medicaton that completely wiped out his sex drive. At first he was worried, thinking I would leave him. I assured him that I didn't marry him because he was great in bed (which he is awesome...or was) I married him because I loved him and sex does not equal love.

I aassured him that as long as there was affection and love, that was all I needed.

Now here's my conflict. He has stopped showing even affection. It's like I'm living with a best friend. I suppose after 10 years, the affection kind of wears off, but without the daily sex that we used to have, affection was all I had left. Now I feel like I have nothing.

I'm starting to dream about other men (that I don't know) they are not sex dreams, just affection dreams. I DON'T want to have an affair. I love my husband, I just want some affection. He is not picking up on my subtle hints! I don't know how to tell him, without hurting his feelings that I need more than he is giving me. He felt so bad about losing his sex drive in the first place. He has always been a bit insecure because he is 9 years older than I. He still makes little comments about me finding someone younger.

As i mentioned before, I can live without the sex, but how do I get him to just show affection without making him feel threatened or inadequate as a man (husband)?

Update:

I'm gettin some good advice, but he needs to be on the medication he's on and Viagra is not an option!!!!!

Update 2:

Okay, I have read your answers. Don't you think I tried all that stuff before asking this question? He's been my man for 10 years. And for you who do not understand, loss of sex drive includes oral sex. And masturbation is personal. There is no affection involved.

15 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    I am in the same boat as you! My husband is on Steroids for Gout. He has been taking it for years. He has NO sex drive!! He also has 0 testosterone, which makes him have NO desire to do anything. We always had a great sex life before that but after taking his meds he started showing NO affection. I learned that I have to be the first one to start anything. I always try things when I know he is not tired. We will sometimes have a beer at night and that will loosen him up for a great night. Sad to say I have totally gotten used to it. I have to do things myself, if you know what I mean and that good enough for me. Ask his doctor if their is an alternative medicine he could take or maybe a medicine he could take to help with desire. It's not that he doesn't love you, sounds like he does. Go with him to a "toy" store. You may just have to satisfy your self. I too have dreams and fantasize of other men and I think that is totally normally. I would never cheat on my husband no matter what. Sex is important but it's not the most important. Hate to say it, but you will get used to it. Just learn to satisfy yourself. Good Luck!!

  • HJM
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Okay..you've been married to this man for 10 years and you still haven't figured out that MEN..do NOT understand or pick up on SUBTLE hints. They need it right in their face!...Communication is a key to any relationship ..and obviously even after 10 years you are having a problem with that. If you've done all kinds of stuff ..and its not working..then it's obvious there's nothing to do but TALK TO HIM about it. It's not going to hurt his feelings....it's not like you're saying you're lousy and gonna leave you if you don't give me more affection. You're just telling him how you feel...he loves you I'm sure he would want you to tell him what you think and what you feel...I'm sure he wants to anything he can to make you happy at this time...

  • Kendra
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    First I think you two should talk, men do have a hard time dealing with too subtle of hints, they need clear direction or they get lost a lot of the times. They like things in black and white, so it would help if you could sit down and let him know that you're not leaving, but not having him pay attention to you like you need, is making you feel very lonely in your marriage.

    I hope it's okay to suggest looking at a book, but this book has helped so many of my friends, and even my marriage, that I think it will help you a lot. There are five different ways we feel loved. The book is called "The Five Love Languages" By Dr. Gary Chapman, here is the gist of the book.

    1. Is physical touch, and I'm not meaning sex. I mean that some people don't feel loved unless they are being hugged, or cuddled, or holding hands.

    2. Quality Time, some people don't feel loved unless they spend one on one time with their spouse. Like talking, playing a game together, going for a walk.

    3. Words of Affirmation, they don't feel loved unless they are told how much they are appreciated and why. Like that you are thankful for how he has stuck with you and why, that you are thankful for his doing chores around the house and how that helps you.

    4. Acts of Service, some people only feel loved if their spouse is helping them with day to day things like chores, and getting things done. Like you feel loved when your spouse vacuums for you, or does the grocery shopping, or mows the lawn

    5 Gifts, some people only feel loved when they are given gifts, and not just for birthday and Christmas, but also for just because. Like bringing home your favorite chocolate bar, tickets to a movie you've wanted to see, flowers from the field across the road because he was thinking about you, and so on.

    Now if you can find out how you best feel loved, and some people can need two of the above ways to be loved, then you can tell him in subtle ways what you need. Like if you're a physical touch person, try sitting beside him, and asking him to hold you. If you are a quality time person, ask him if he'd play a game with you that you can talk while playing. If you are a gifts person, hint at some small things that you love and would love getting, but don't have the time to get. If you are an acts of service person, ask him to do something for you while telling him how much it would help you out and make your day easier. And if you are a words of affirmation person, you may have to just sit down in front of him and say "I'm just feeling down today, could you just tell me one or two reasons you're glad you have me, and say why those reasons mean so much to you."

    As you find out your love language, you can find out his too, the book encourages asking each other at least once a week how loved you feel, and if it's low, then taking time to love that person in their own love language. It sounds a bit weird to some people, but every person I've talked to that has used this book in their marriages have told me it has made their marriages so much better, even if they were good in the first place. :) It's not a long book, and well worth the read. :)

  • 1 decade ago

    To be completely honest, men just don't pick up on subtle hints. They just don't! So if you want to work this out with him (and you should!!), it sounds like it's imperative that you guys sit down and just have a heart-to-heart. If you handle it gently, it won't hurt his feelings, and it will strengthen your marriage. He most likely has no idea that he has stopped showing affection, and even less of an idea that it is bothering you. So sit down with him, tell him again how much you love him and how happy you are to be married to him. Remind him that you couldn't imagine life without him. And then ask him if he's happy, if there's anything you need to work on. Be open, and listen to whatever he has to say, and then gently, lovingly explain to him that you've noticed a lack of affection from him lately, and you just want to make sure that everything is okay.

    Don't bring up sex! This is probably something that he's very self-conscious about and will just be one more blow to his ego. So make sure when you're talking that you are referring to affection simply to show love, not anything of a sexual nature.

    Good luck, hang in there!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It only takes 1 person to turn a relationship around. Start doing to him what you want him to do to you. Do it on a regular basis, and I guarantee you he will pick up on the hints and start reciprocating.

    For instance, before either of you leave, immediately upon either of you arriving home, and before you go to bed, kiss one another. Be affectionate with him, I don't care if he doesnt' come to you. Go to him. Make it a point to kiss him and show him affection. When you're walking, slide your hand into his. When you're sitting on the couch, snuggle up to him. If you do this consistently for a couple of weeks, he will begin to initiate on his own and you'll be where you want things to be. ;)

    I think this method works better than talking to him because if you have to talk to him about it,you'll feel like he's only doing it because you're nagging. Plus, it's less natural. I will say I do feel you should talk to him if this method doesn't work, though.

    Good luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    Look, Show him all the love you can and invent to new ways to spice up your marriage. Love is the greatest thing and will help find ways to teach him how to show more affection. Believe me men don't know how to show affection unless taught. Pray about those daydreams and show more love to your husband to throw off the daydreams.

  • 1 decade ago

    try to show him the affection you are looking for in return you will get the same.i'm sure he does not recognise that so make the first step.try also to make a good chat together and when you are doing that try to cuddle each other it may work and things can change.

  • 1 decade ago

    There are usually more than one medication to treat an illness.

    Have your husband talk to his doctor about a different medication.

    Also your husband should have his hormone levels checked.....they could be off.

  • 1 decade ago

    I'm not married, but even I can tell that you guys have a serious communication problem. You should be telling him all of this rather than asking Yahoo Answers. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think you know that's what you have to do. Even if it is unpleasant, you have to tell him how you feel. No serious relationship survive with one of the partners feeling as neglected as you seem to. You don't have to be married to know that.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    why is viagra such a bad answer? This sounds like a medical issue have him go to a doctor and see what can be done to boost his sex drive.

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