I'm so confused. Can anyone help with advice on what "I" should be doing in regards to DD's First Family?

This may be a little long sorry....

DD and her Mother, Grandmother, Sister, and two Aunts were all calling and emailing back and forth. It was wonderful!

Slowly, one by one they all stopped communication with DD. I know this is hard on DD's other mother. I know her Grandmother has some health problems. DD said she wanted me to continue contact with them but she needed a break because she keeps getting hurt.

I have been emailing updates and photos to DD's other mother. There was this one Aunt who was closer to DD and i thought she might be a neutral person. So i sent an email to her as a way to keep the lines of communication open. No response.

Advice I was previously given from a few Natural Mothers was to do what ever it took to keep the lines of communication open. Even if it made me uncomfortable.

Where do we go from here?

Should I just butt out of all this? ---I really don't feel comfortable in the middle.

DD is 10yrs. Is this just too much for her to handle?

I really really wanted an open adoption for her:(


I hear what you are saying Randy.

I have just recently wondered if she is doing this to please me. I don't want that either.

DD is confused as to what she wants. I want to do right by my daughter and if all possible do right by her mother too.

Update 2:

Thanks Snowwill:)

Thanks MonkeyKitty,

It is starting to feel forced and i know that isn't good either. I was hoping that maybe at least one family member could stay connected with her.

Update 3:


Am I being the psycho, controlling, stalker adoptive parent if i keep trying for contact?

Should i stop protecting DD and have her write the attempts for contact with her other family?

No one is communicating back and thats what is causing her the pain. UGH!

Just to clarify, i would jump for joy if DD could have any sort of a relationship with them.

I value your opinions Phil, what do you think?

Update 4:

Thanks Phil:)

LT, I did explain how DD felt and some of her pain to the email to her Aunt. I felt the Aunt was not in emotional pain like DD's mother and grandmother. I explained that it wasn't a guilt trip, that they could not have known how she felt. I was now explaining so we could all understand each other better and hopefully get closer. I always encourage them that they are family and welcome in DD's life and ours anytime.

Sizesmith, thank you:)

9 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think it's hard for anyone not in the situation to know what it's right. (And harder still, perhaps, for someone in the situation to know.)

    What would you do if your daughter didn't want to visit your parents (her grandparents)? Would you let her set those limits? Would you be okay with that?

    You can't force her to have a relationship, I suppose. But is it really okay to let a 10-year-old dictate these contours of her life? (I had to go to family gatherings at that age, whether I wanted to, or not.) These people are part of her family, whether she wants them or not. When she's older, she gets to choose whether she associates with them. But we don't leave these choices up to children. If we did, my sister (who was biologically related) never would have seen most of her extended family throughout her childhood. (As it is, she wound up sitting in the car a lot of the time.)

    Whatever else we might say, you are her mother. I understand you might be uncomfortable in the middle, but I think that is your responsibility as her parent.

    I do have sympathy for your situation. There aren't a lot of roadmaps for these kinds of problems. But as the parent, the responsibility does fall on your shoulders.

    ETA: I'm sorry, I think I focused on the wrong thing. If they aren't communicating with her, I would be tempted to try to contact them directly and explain how they were hurting her. Ultimately, if they don't step-up and take responsibility, you can't make them. (More's the pity.) I would try to tell them how much pain they are causing. But you're right, there may not be much for you to do.

    I don't think you're psycho or stalking. You're trying to do what you can for your daughter.

    And it is okay for you to try to run interference, in my mind. You're the adult. You're not trying to control your daughter. You're trying to intercede on her behalf. That seems like an appropriate response.

    It's a crummy situation. I feel for you and your daughter. Especially your daughter.

    Source(s): Living life as an adoptee one day at a time
  • 1 decade ago

    Remind DD that you love her, and that they love her. I had asked why my son's first mom didn't honor seeing him since we'd discussed open adoption, and was told that 1st parents and family often suffer from distress similar to post traumatic stress disorder, since there was a lot of issues in having to place a child for adoption. Perhaps if you send one more line of communication, and keep an address where they can get hold of you. Maybe say, "Our entire family wishes that DD's biological family also be part of our family, at least by communicating. Since we've not heard back, maybe it's your way of saying that it's too hard. Our address is 123 Main, City, State and our number/e-mail is 111-111-1111, if you'd like to contact her back. I'm finding it hard to make excuses to tell her why you don't write/call, and don't know what to do, so I'll lay the communication lines in your decisions, and meanwhile, I'll respect your privacy, as it seems you desire."

    This will either wake them up, or confirm that they can't take the decisions either. Once every 9 months or so, I'd write a letter, with an address correction request attached so the post office would notify you of an address change, so that way, you can notify them if you move, and they desire communication in the future, which I believe might be beneficial to all, especially DD. Good luck!

  • Lori A
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    From a different angle I felt I was in a similar position with my daughter and her father. I was the one making most of the communication and my daughter is 36 years old. I didn't know whether to keep my foot in the door or step out and let them handle it themselves. Long story short, I backed out and the relationship has fizzled.

    I honestly think that the other family (like my daughters father) know very little about adoption, the mechanics of it all. Maybe trying to educate them on the roller coaster of emotions that go along with adoption would be helpful. I have tried with my daughters father but he seems to think that everything is fine just the way it is. I have been very tempted to buy him a book.

  • 1 decade ago

    I think you have to respect your daughter's wishes. The point of open adoption is for the good of 1.) the child, and 2.) the biological family. It's not just for the sake of having one.

    If your daughter is saying she's hurting, and her biological family is pulling back, so it's obviously not working for them either... I think it's time to take a break. Not cut things off forever, but take a step back. Keep sending the updates as promised, whether or not they're acknowledged. Then wait till either your daughter or her other family feel ready for more; it needs to be their decision.

    Open adoption is not itself the goal-- it's a means to help your daughter and her biological family. If it's not working out, rather than pushing and forcing, focus on the long-term good of the relationship... not on the tool for building it. If your daughter and her other family need a break, I think in the long run the situation will be healthier if you can just respect that, and not try to be in control.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Hi Freckle.

    Have you told the the bio-family, how their behaviors are affecting the feelings of DD? Have you come straight out and said that their behaviors are feeling rejecting to DD and hurting her?

    If I were in your shoes, I would contact each of them and tell them. If they refuse to see that their inconsistant behaviors are harmful to DD, I would stop communicating with them and let DD take the lead.

    She is clearly aware of how their behaviors and lack of responding is making her feel, and she said she needed a break. She is in control and that is what she needs. Let her choose now.

    Good luck.

    Source(s): i really don't like people that hurt kids
  • 1 decade ago

    You have been doing everything you can. Just continue to send a monthly email to the first mom and others and if they respond, fine, let your daughter know, if they don't keep quiet.

  • Randy
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    You say that you "really really wanted an open adoption for her" but if I read you right, earlier you said that DD stated she wanted a break because she keeps getting hurt. I think you need to speak more with her and find out what SHE wants. If she keeps getting hurt, give it the break she wants and if they don't want any more contact then you will have to do what you can to sooth her feelings. She obviously seems torn between what she (or is it just you? Just a question) want and what she feels when she gets hurt.

  • 1 decade ago

    hmmm. first, i'm really glad to hear your feelings on this and i'm so happy you are trying to keep it open.

    at the age of 10, i would probably do the communicating for her still. i think if SHE doesn't get a response, she'll feel intensely rejected, again.

    i was rejected after the honeymoon of our reunion, and it makes you feel incredibly worthless:(

  • perhaps it time to let things go for now until daughter is older and can try again to make some contact. its open in the sense everyone knows who each other is and there are no secrets. perhaps communication on their end is too much right now. send one last email to all of them your have addresses for and tell them they are welcome to communicate but right now things are going to get a little quiet on your end until daughter wants to re-engage.

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