Can this relationship work? Young BF w/ GF and child needs advice?
We have managed to stick it by for 2 and a half years to date, we have for all extents and purposes lived together for the entire course of our relationship, we have an infant daughter together (between 9 and 12 months, as to not give away too much) and overall we really do love each other... but some of our character traits lead me to believe that it may not work out for long. I often find myself becoming indifferent about our relationship, and indifference is definitely not good. I tried to ask this question before but I was obviously too vague as I got mostly stereotyped. Here is as brief as I can get without leaving out important details:
1. She is totally against any and all drugs, I smoke marijuana. When we first started dating I did everything from marijuana to LSD and everything in between. She first said she could accept pot but nothing else, so I quit everything except marijuana. Then marijuana became a problem and so I stopped because our relationship was still going very well. I quit for a year before starting to smoke again, we were having less sex and not really doing anything together so I felt I needed something to cut the tension. I used to be very artistic (writing, playing guitar and drums, martial arts, drawing, poety, etc.) but have lost my creative edge as the relationship has gone on. I have been unable to find anything else that I can do to ease stress at home alone without going out. I have lost the urge to maintain even my once favorite hobbies. She used to smoke marijuana. I do not smoke in front of the baby AT ALL. I do not smoke in front of my girlfriend unless she comes out for a cig while I do my thing. Members of her own family smoke marijuana and she does not judge them, one of them has his own kid.
2. She is a homebody and feels she would rather stay home than go out 9 times out of 10, I am very adventurous and love going out. She enjoys material gain (buying cameras, clothes, books, movies, etc.) while I enjoy recreation (going somewhere, doing activities, getting together with friends). I am a Gemini, she is a Cancer. Need I say more?
3. She believes sex and affection are not something that need to be constantly touched upon, we have had sex 4 times in the last 12 months. I'm a man, I need sex and I'm dying here. I mostly have to remind her to kiss me when we see each other after work, 'nuff said. When I press her about it, she gets EXTREMELY angry. She says that she simply does not like sex, something she failed to mention when we had sex everyday for the beginning of our relationship.
4. She has a tendency to get physically violent and I have a tendency to become verbally abusive in arguments. We have had many... episodes (none too recently since the birth of the baby). The fault for confrontations has been about 60% me and 40% her for the first half of the relationship and then vice versa for the second half.
5. We both have infinitely stupid family and we do not like the others family 90% of the time. Can you imagine what our Holidays have looked like?
6. She does not have any friends (part choice, part single womens indifference to her becoming a mom). I have many friends who want to hang out (for the record, less than a quarter of them do drugs), I can not because she gets annoyed by their presence at the house (too loud, wants to be alone, etc.)... she does not want me to go out cause she "does not like to be alone at home"... she refuses to tag along due to being tired from work... it is FACT that she does not like 90% of my friends. We both work jobs with equal hours and that are equally tiresome.
7. She does not like to talk about the ongoing issues, she feels that "this is who she is now and I should accept her as who she is now just as I accepted her as who she was before". She feels she accepts my "bad traits". Which other than the pot are still unknown. I am a very diplomatic person who likes to find the "peaceful medium" in situations. Unfortunately she isn't. Can a gray person reach this with someone who is VERY black and white?
8. We share FULL RESPONSIBILITY of the baby. I do everything she does, we work a schedule system where one day she does one set of things for the baby and I do what's left and then we switch. Whether it be bathing, changing, feeding, playing, clothing or cleaning... we BOTH do it ALL.
Basically, all these issues exist but we ignore them. We come home, take of the baby and then put the baby to sleep(one night she does, one night I do), do chores such as cook and clean bottles (whoever doesn't take care of baby for the night does this), eat and then she spends her night on her computer while I either smoke or find other pointless forms of entertainment. We spend maybe 5% of our day actually DOING SOMETHING together. For the rest of the time, we merely share a house and go on the same routine, routine, routine.
Needless to say, I feel I could be involved in a much more fruitful relationship just as sh
could find someone with her same standpoint on life. I love her, I don't want to hurt her (and she would be hurt if I left her), I love my child, I want both my girlfriend and my child to succeed and live beneficial lives and I would give up anything to make this happen.
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
The only thing I wonder about is that you said you would give up anything for your family (basically), yet you really can't change who you are and you shouldn't expect her to change either. I would suggest some counseling first and if that doesn't work you should probably go your separate ways.