Feedback on this poem I wrote? :)?

i'm so high

up in this promising sky

that i almost die

when i try

to float down

to the ground

wanna get out of this

empty, lonely town

where you got a blank face

i cant trace

that emotion

no notion

its a race,

now

this crazy world

so swirl

twirl

in the clouds

here

with me

free

with the illusion

that we're cruisin'

with a fast pace,

through a vast space

and now

we're lost

and toss

in our sleep

just a heap

of regret, sorrow, and weak

souls that are mold

from this very place

where i pace

at night

like a kite

flying, but trapped by a string

so i'll sing

this song, and hope

we won't mope

for this terrible, terrible

mess

so rest

my wild

child

on this cloud

with me.

just be.

5 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    i love it - especially the ending! because it gets all panicky in the middle with not being able to sleep, and the emotional turmoil and feeling trapped, and then the ending line is so free and beautiful... "just be"

    really, really nice work

  • 1 decade ago

    It seems that you're fed up with this world. Tired? Stressed out? Bored?

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You know poetry doesn't have to rhyme, right?

  • 1 decade ago

    aha! sounds like a rap! :D

    aha. i like your metaphors.

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  • 1 decade ago

    its very deep and beautiful. :-)

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