Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

My future mother in law wants my fiance to come visit her without me and he refuses because he doesn't like ?

how she talks about me. She doesn't like me because she thinks im controlling because he doesn't listen to her. yes i know that seems immature but she kinda is, and im not just saying that because we used to get along fine til she didn't have her way. i want her to like me because she will be my kids grandparent. my fiance wants me to come but i know im not wanted and do not really want to go have to listen to me and my relationship get bashed. what would you do in this situation?

i told my fiance hes a grown man and needs to confront her on their issues, i just really do not know what to do.

Update:

she has called me names, actually she went off and got in my face over defending my fiance.

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  • 1 decade ago
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    She doesn't need to like you but she does need to respect you. By the same logic, you don't need to like her but you do need to respect her.

    Judging by your observation that she will be your childrens' grandparent, I would say you understand this. Judging by her insistance that her son visit her without you, I would say she doesn't "get it". She is not in competition with you, she is not your enemy. She is the mother of a once-upon-a-time boy who is now a man. She was the first woman of his life when he was a boy, but now you are the first woman of his life because he grew into a man.

    She has to decide whether she will treat him like a man or insist on treating him like a boy.

    When she treats him like a boy, he reminds her that he is a man now. Good for him. He is a man. Then you know the problem is not his, it is hers. Good for both of you!

    So see this: as long as she gets what she wants, she will keep doing what she is doing. Hey, as long as it works, why not? She wants him but not you - hello? Marriage makes the two of you a package deal. She cannot choose anymore. He doesn't come in singles any more, see? He comes with you - package deal!

    So you don't go if she doesn't want you. And he doesn't go if she doesn't want what he chose to be package with, see? Then she gets the message that it is "all or none". For as long as she can choose what she wants, why would she look reality in the face? It isn't her reality until you make it clear that there is only ONE reality. Her son took a wife - she needs to either accept it graciously and lovingly or risk being dropped from his list of contacts.

    Get that straight upfront and you will have few or no problems when you have children. Mess it up and this mother will make your life miserable beyond belief when you have kids because she'll know exactly which buttons to push to put your marriage on the line whenever she doesn't get her way.

    Women who refuse to let go of their children (sons or daughters) are the worst kind of selfish. I have 4 children - 1 married, 1 engaged and 2 in serious relationships over 2 years. The first place I look in judging my child's choice of parther is on their faces. If they are happy, I look at their partner and try to see what it is my child loves in this man or woman. When I do that, I see it. Your mil doesn't see it because not only is she NOT looking for it, but she is looking for something else...probably a reason why you are not good enough for her son to leave her for you. Totally selfish and self-centered. Don't let it ruin the love of your life.

    It is HER problem, don't make it yours. You are with an awesome man if he sees that being a man means making his own choices and standing up for his commitments.

    Don't let her get close enough to get in your face about anything.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    i like the fact that you man stands up for you

    indeed he should hold the line

    and if you have kids

    they shouldn't see their grandma until she behaves

    you are not controlling, she is in fear of losing out

    hence her combativeness

    she doe not see her son as married

    but rather one who was taken away from here

    if she had her way he would live with her until the rest of her days

    he indeed needs to draw a line in the sand and tell his mother, do not cross it ever again, or i am gone

    thee comes a time when you grow up and move forward

    and sometimes that's at the expense of so called "families"

    it does not mean they have good values, they can very much indeed carry over prejudices unfounded

    this is when you leave them in search of a better family

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  • 1 decade ago

    hi!

    first: don't play referee she knows him better than you and in the end you could find out that she was right.

    second: if he doesn't like her way of putting things he should take her aside a speak to her without you being present. this only agravates the situation since it will backfire and build resentment as pitting one's affection against the other.

    third:remember that if that is his mother you are going into his family. and the fact that this is starting of horribly will only reflect on your future children, what do you think? remember you too will be somebody's mother-in-law someday soon.

    fourth:she was here before you were she does deserve your respect for doing such a good job of raising and protecting your man until he was able to find you.

    fifth: a man is quite capable of standing up for the women in his life without offending either on of them. the reason women bicker so much between themselves is because their men lack leadereship stills and refuse to declare this issue closed. they prefer to let their women fight over their devotion like wolves. while they bath in the attention, seems cruel to me. see, as long as you don't get it and continue this quarreling he is basically guaranteed a space to crawl to forever no matter how he misbehaves. because if you disapprove she won't and vice-versa just to get at each other. you understand????

    if this were me i would start to compliment and be attentive towards your m-in-law, and fight for her love and approval, after all that is what you really what and need, right??? you can turn this around if your smart and remember love can never fail because its to hard to live without. now go and show her how its done, be proud that you were the first capable of love.

    Source(s): i have been there and won!!!!
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  • 1 decade ago

    You have a lot of years to plan on not so easy times with in-laws. But you have a good out look on her. I think you will win out. If not you have done your best and I comend you. I would love to have a daughter-in - law like you. I have the opposet of what you have.

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  • 1 decade ago

    He doesn't need to confront her about anything. She doesn't like you, you know why she doesn't like you. He either accepts that you two don't get along or he doesn't. He also has to accept that if he wants to see his mom, he'll have to do it alone. Him not going to see her just plays into her hands. She can say he doesn't come because of you, giving her more fuel for her fire.

    He doesn't need to be confrontational with her where you are concerned. He does need to go see her though. If she starts being negative all he has to say is, Mom I love you and I want to spend time with you, but if your going to bash "Sally" I'm going to have to leave. Or something to that affect. She is entitled to her opinion, and he is entitled not to listen to it.

    (even if you don't feel welcome you should still go unless she says for you not to come. It may not be what you want to do, but avoiding her is no way to solve this either)

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  • 1 decade ago

    Two words: UNITED FRONT

    You and your fiance need to stand by each other at ALL times, no matter what. You can disagree behind closed doors, but NEVER in front of the in laws.

    And yes, he needs to confront her. It is going to have be addressed sometime... that is unless he is perfectly fine with your future children hearing nasty things about their mom and their parent's marriage.

    Source(s): I have lived through the same situation... Mother in law doesn't try to pull any crap now that my husband sat her down and told her how it was going to be.
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