How do I get over being angry at my husband?
I have been married for 11 years- We started out so happy- We had fun together and were best friends- We married in our mid 20's and still had some growing up to do. I grew up faster than he did, one of us had to- We had a wonderful daughter- my husband kept drinking and acting like he was 20 and in college. We went through hell, but he finally quit drinking and has not had a drink in years!! I am so happy and pround of him for controlling this! However, I have lost myself in all of this- I had to become his mother- I had to take on all of the responibily- He could not and still cannot handle it. I completely changed who I was to help him- I lost some close friends during all of this because they drink and he cannot be around this- The biggest problem is that we have drifted so far apart I do not even know who he is- We used to be wonderful friends, now I do not even really like him- He is very selfish and only worries about what he needs- I am so far down on his priority list- He NEVER does anything special for me- I am so angry with him that I do not want to do anything for him- He has never thanked me or shown any gratitude for what I went though with him. There is NO romance in our lives-
How do I let go of my anger- I have told him all of this but he doesn't want to deal with it- I see us heading for a divorce soon-- We tried a counsler- he quit wanting to go when he was told he was selfish- Has anyone else faced these challenges? What did you do- I would appreciate any suggestions to help me save my marriage. Thanks!
- rettaLv 41 decade agoFavorite Answer
just let me tell you about a little of my situation.
I was married to the same type of guy that you are describing for 27 years,
we had have 2 children (now 28 and 19 years old)
I got the divorce bout 10 years ago. exactlly for the reasons you are describing. we now live in the same apt. complex 3 doors down.
we have a very good relationship and and many family gathering togather,
we see each other every day and he helps me out more finanically than he has evry did before.
we have no romanic feelings what so ever. just friends and family.
don.t really know what to tell you.
except maybe a temporary trial seporation for the time and see what happens?
- 1 decade ago
Did you ever think that maybe your not putting much into the relationship except to being a mother of a child and your husband. Do you suppose maybe he made some changes for you and in return still gets put on the back burner. Why is it that a husband has to take the back seat to the kids?. Maybe thats part of the reason people drift apart. Not even maybe thats it most of the time. In a marriage you have 18 years to raise your kids and then they fly the coop, in a marriage your suppose to plan on 50 plus years. So where does the priorities go? Shouldn't you be working on the hubby rather than the kids. Maybe your priorities went to the kids.
- 1 decade ago
I really don't believe in staying in a marriage if you are unhappy.
It sounds like you have put your all into working things out. I am going through a similar situation except I am recently married and still struggling to find the strength to get through it. But if you have gone all this time and only YOU have been trying to fix your marriage, you may want to opt out now. If you never tries things will not get better.
But I guess it depends on how you feel about your daughter, though. Do you think it will hurt her if her parents aren't together? You have to think too that if you are happy without your husband you will probably be a better mother to your daughter. Your focus will be off of him and totally on her.
You need to sit him and down and be blunt. Tell him that you worked very hard to help your marriage but tell him that you don't really like his personality. Sometimes the truth hurts but it can open someones eyes and just maybe he will wake up. Or try a trial separation. Maybe he will realize what he had when its not there.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Well I commend you for taking all of this on. Most people would of probably walked away. You must keep going to counseling if you are going to make it. It's tough, keep your head up you have made it thus far don't give up now. He is selfish that is what alcoholics are. It takes a lot of time to re-adjust. How is your daughter doing through all of this? He needs to be reminded of all of the time he gave up with his daughter to be a drunk. Maybe that will open his eyes maybe it won't. If you started this relationship with casual drinking so long ago, he will definitely have a tough time. He is someone new. And you may not like him, he might not like himself. Time is all you have if you are to stay together. All I can offer for advice is maybe go to church, maybe this will help maybe it won't. He needs a 12 step program, to really find who he is right now. If you love him, and I think deep down you really do, hang in there. Good-luck.
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- 1 decade ago
I hope I can help you. Communication is the key in this situation. The two of you have to really open up to one another and be honest on your feelings. Just remember through all of this that you cannot change him only God can. There is a reason behind everything a person does. Bitterness will only turn to hate. No matter what the outcome you must forgive him and forgive yourself. You must turn only to God for your answer not a man. It might be a while for your answer or it may not. You must seek God for peace, guidance and most important love to enter into your heart. Stay strong for you and your child through this. Remember to be honest and communicate truthfully. Don't hold back anything. This can be the beginning of a beautiful marriage better than before. We all must have a little trouble in our lives to appreciate it and to make us stronger.
- daisyLv 71 decade ago
As a former Al-Anon member, I have heard this many times before about spouses that have stopped drinking. The easy, fun loving personality of a drinker is gone and the real personality is revealed. It mostly is not a lovely picture.
You need Al-Anon to help you through this crisis in your marriage. You will be with others with the same story to tell. You then can make any decisions of what you really feel and move on from there.
- 1 decade ago
I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I have been down the road of being the primary or the only adult in a marriage and it isnt easy. My exhusband didnt want to get a job or grow up either and found it very easy to live off of me. Never wanting to contribute unless it benefited him. He however didnt offer the option to go to counseling (refused) until I was packed and out the door. Then it was too late for the relationship.
In the meantime, I had lost myself... there wasn't much left of me. I had to leave to save myself.
If he is unwilling to continue in couseling, sadly there isnt much you can do. Because of the choices he is making in his life, you have to make choices in yours. You cannot hold everything up for long.... not if you want to keep your sanity.
I would suggest contacting the Dr. Phil show, seriously. He offers so much help free of charge. Maybe that would be an option. If that isnt something you would do, then I would suggest a seperation... to see if that would jolt him into being more responsible.
I wish you the best of luck.
- 1 decade ago
i had a simialr problem with my wifebecoming more and more sedlf centered. no matter what i tried it just got worse. I ended up having a three year affair(non sexual) with a woman. When my wife found out i told her it was because she treated me like "I " was special and that "I" made her happy just to be with me. That was all it took. over night she became the caring woman i married. I think familiarity breeds complacincy. She never thought I would leave her or step out on her. She was partially right i wouldnt leave her and i didnt cheat on her sexually. But she wasnt going to chance that happening.
It was a wake up call.
If that doesnt work have his stuff out in the front yard with a note saying come back when your ready to be a father and a husband
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Thats a very tough situation to be in, Im not sure how to give you advice for that but i do want to say that you should make sure that it doesnt effect your daughter and that if a divorce happens, you support her through the whole thing. It is tough on the parents as well as the child, so if things dont work out (i hope they do) make sure to tell your daughter that everything will be okay and that you love her :) I dont know what to tell you about your marraige though, thats personal and i think that you should make that decision
- PaulLv 61 decade ago
My wife had an affair once, and I always remember how unfair it was, because there was more pressure on me to "forgive and move on" than there was on her to own up to everything. It's tough being the responsible one - it feels like life has trapped you with people who need you and feed off of you and don't give anything back.
I'm not sure if you can get over being angry. I think you might need to take some action on your own, to expand your own life in a direction that you choose. Maybe turn your attention away and focus on what you want...job-wise, friend-wise, whatever-wise. See if your own goals for yourself are compatible with your marriage.