What are some really funny jokes?

I need some really cool jokes.

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  • Joe K
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Blonde And The Horrible Accident

    A blonde had totaled her car in a horrible accident. It was a miracle to watch as she pulled herself from the wreckage without any bruises or injuries. Bystanders were shocked when she proceeded to walk away with no shock on her face and began to apply fresh lipstick to her lips. The state trooper chose this moment to drive up and question the girl.

    “My word!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

    “Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde stated.

    “Well, how in the world did this happen?” asked the officer as he looked over the wrecked car.

    “Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ….”

    “Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

    Source(s): found at www.ticklemewithjokes.com
  • 5 years ago

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    Men, and sometimes women, notice that their hair is thinning prematurely for several different reasons. Age, menopause, pregnancy, genetics, illness, and other factors all play a role in hair loss.

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  • 1 decade ago

    WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

    We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack

    Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an

    intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer

    magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced

    six children: Holie Schitt, Gi va Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe

    Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a

    rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children,

    Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He came home with his Italian wife; Piza Schitt

    By Crock O Schit

    ===================================================

    A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again." God said, "It is done!" All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!

    ==================================================

    A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

    "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...

    OH, MY GOD!"

    Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

    "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

    A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!" ===================================================

    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

    "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

    The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel with a note.

    "Dear Sir, sorry about our previous suggestion. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part."

    Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to his bald head, so he writes an extremely rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel with a note inside.

    "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a*se and go as a toffee apple

  • 1 decade ago

    whats 6 inches long and starts with a p?

    a ****

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  • 1 decade ago

    What kind of cheese isn't yours?

    Nacho Cheese! (:

    Kind of corny!

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