Please rate my short story?

Please rate the following story (I know it's long) on a scale of 1-10. I want your honest opinion. Also, please tell me why you do or don't like it. Here it is:

Sitting alone in the empty gray doorway, shiny tears running down her cheeks, the girl is all but invisible, huddled into a pitiful ball which blends into her dismal surroundings. No one knows or cares to know her name or her reason for crying. No is around to ask.

Tentatively lifting her disheveled head into the crisp, cool fall wind, the shadow of a barren oak, it's leaves departed in fear of winter's wrath, falls across her face, concealing it from the view of any onlooker. She shudders, perhaps recalling whatever horrid thing that caused her tears, or perhaps just reminiscing about the utter despair the world provides her in general.

Out of the cocoon of her arms and torso her legs slide, long and thin, the hem of her pants wrinkled and muddy. She unclasps her arms, and wipes evidence of her sadness from her cheeks with gloved hands. She picks up a dirty pink satchel, and, swinging it heavily across her back, squares her shoulders. She runs her fingers through her mane of hair, long and streaming away from her in the breeze.

And then, she smiles.

Not a real smile, as she, and anyone who might have been looking on would know, but the kind one plasters on, pulling lips away from teeth, perhaps chuckling a little to convince oneself that somewhere, deep within the darkest reaches of her heart, she really is happy. This girl is hoping that this crescent-shaped lie on her face will trick not only outsiders, but herself as well.

Suddenly, there are other people, dozens of coats and hats and laughs and waves, milling about. There are too many voices to comprehend what anyone is saying, too many bodies to single any one in particular out.

She is gone.

No one notices where the girl went. Of course they don't, they don't know who she is. No one knows or cares to know her name or why eyes her look as though they have been crying, even though there are many around to ask.

5 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Its pretty good i write short stories myself the only advice id give you is that you probably over describe things which interupts the flow of a shortstory.

    a short story is much like a poem you have to be careful in which phrases you choose and make sure you dont use too many similes or metaphors it weighs down your piece.

    but i love the way it ends its awesome how it ends. definately a good 7 1/2

    Good luck writing!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Sounds like a pretty dark story. It's OK, but it didn't really catch my attention because of the miserable start...Sitting alone in the empty gray doorway, shiny tears running down her cheeks...

    BUT, some readers that are into that kinda stuff might, as in, "why is this girl sad? i will read on to see why"

    7 out of 10, but the way it is worded and all the adjectives... about a 8 1/2 out of 10. hope this helped!

  • Erika
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    Good proposal for a tale and good written, however listed here are a couple of ideas for benefit: a million. You would get extra phrases via reducing out probably the most random main points just like the dad's title and career, the query the narrator asks, the bit approximately different individuals's Grandfathers, and so on. It might make it float greater. In an extended tale you might have time to increase those elements, however in a tale this brief you must make it fairly realistic. Don't throw in tons of characters, simply the Grandfather, the narrator and point out the daddy in passing (i.e. that he notion the Grandfather was once senile). two. Dedicate the additional phrases you acquire from reducing out the superfluous element to specific causes of the matters which might be fairly imperative. For the reader to be given that the supernatural exists, you must make the arena as truly as viable, for illustration describing the typewriter, what the Grandfather seemed like while alive, and so on. This makes the reader believe within the fact of the tale and they're a lot more prone to be given the supernatural factors as truly. three. Try to differ the "he mentioned", with in line with him, in his opinion, he claimed, and so on. four. Since while do burglars holiday into residences to take a seat and form? It might be a lot more functional to simply commit the ones sentences to a sense of misunderstanding/ worry at the facet of the narrator. Hope that is helping a bit of and well success with it!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    only tip- wider vocab thats more descriptive

    this will paint a clear picture in the readers head

    8/10 niiiice work

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=200811...

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    this actually did potray how the society nowadays are like....

    8/10 for you...superb story

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