Pregnant girlfriend and family problems. What should I do?
my gf and i are in our mid/late 20's and she is pregnant. it was unplanned and my parents never met her before i broke the news to them, so imagine their reaction. even to this day, they've only met her once. my gf makes no attempts
i was raised with strong family values. i have a strong bond with my parents and siblings and vice-versa where we should help each other and look out for one another whether it's financial, emotional, etc. my gf on the other hand, was an only child, had a very rough childhood, parents who didn't show enough support/love, and has very different concept of what a family should be. she wants to start a family (as do i), but she wants all my attention and focus on her and the baby. but i try to explain that family means so much more than that. it's easy for her to only think of herself, me and the baby since she's used to being by herself and not getting any help from her family, but i've had that type of support all my life so it's difficult for me to simply just focus on her and forget about my family. her concept and values of family is obviously different from mine, which has caused countless arguments and stress.
my parents don't see any good qualities about her and view the fact she moved out of her parents place at a young age makes them think that she wasn't raised right, her parents don't love/care enough about her to help her out (pretty much just let her move out since they didn't want to deal with her), and don't hold the same values as i do. since she was on her own, she's been doing whatever she wanted whenever without any authority telling her otherwise for nearly a decade. as a result of this, she gets upset/angry when even small things are out her control or if things don't go her way and has problems controlling her temper, flipping out, even in public. my parents see her as a selfish person only looking out for her own interests which will cause me to be miserable. Because of her temper tantrums i'll have to do whatever she tells me to do and if ever a time comes where my family needs my support, she either won't allow it or will give me hell about it since she will think that same support, time and resources can be given to her and the child. i can already see this kinda happening because i've financially helped my siblings a couple times with things such as gas or food and she wasn't happy about it.
in order to ease my parents fears and help my gf, i felt that maybe if she moved into my parents place with me it would hopefully accomplish the following:
- gf would have a better understanding of the family concept since her background and experience is so different
- create some kind of relationship w/ my family members
- save money to one day buy a home
- having to find a babysitter would not be a problem
gf is afraid i won't put enough attention on her and the baby since we'll be living with my parents and some of my attention will be preoccupied with them as well.
my question is is this a good idea? does living with parents affect the relationship? are there other advantages/disadvantages? is this idea going to just worsen the situation where my parents and her won't get along? is her train of thought selfish? am i being selfish?
my relationship w/ parents and gf has become very strained. i've been stuck in the middle for quite some time and i'm emotionally and physically drained. i really don't know what to do at this point.
look it's not that i'm too "wrapped up". the way she grew up with an unsupporting family structure and as an only child has formed her perception of what a family should be which is very different from mine. plus the fact that she seems to a control freak and her temper tantrums (which were there before the pregnancy), worries my parents and myself in which my life will be miserable. these days i've been hearing from friends that she could never maintain a steady relationship w/ previous bf's because of her behavior. most of it was just a lot of arguing, controlling them in things such as who they could hang out with, and her wanting them to only spend time with her instead of others.
another thing to get straight, i've lived by myself and supported myself for years (even through college). i moved back to my parents place because my job was close by and i wanted to save some money for a future home. i even help pay for some of their bills. so please don't say i don't know how the world turns and take responsibility. whatever happens to my relationship with gf, i'll still be there for the child.
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
I think you are WRONG - 100%. Yes it is great to be close to you parents and siblings, however now you have a family now. If you wanted thing the way where before you should have not have gotten you girlfriend pregnant.
You need to move out of mommy and daddy's house and set up a home for you family. You girlfriend is not selfish, she is mature. I'm sure she can handle a check book and pay bills and understand how it is to have the cable shut off. People who live at home with mommy and daddy have no responcility and do not understand how the world turns.
Your girlfriend is right, you need to dedicate your life to her and the child now. It fine to visit your family OCCASSIONALLY but not a consisnet thing. You wife/fiance should not play second fiddle to your family. You need to cut the apron string now.
Grow a pair of balls and relized what your responceibilies are now, before you lose your fiance. TRUST ME IT WILL HAPPEN. No mature self suffiance women will want to move her boyfriend mommy house.
GROW UP DUDE!Source(s): been there
- 1 decade ago
I agree that family always comes first but you've started a new family and it seems to me that in a way you are neglecting what she is telling you she needs which may cause these temper tantrums and such! She's pregnant with your child, you should be devoting all your time and energy to her. While she's going through this life altering experience you are over talking basically behind her back to mommy and daddy! Grow up, be a man, and if you love this woman except her for who she is and what she's gone through! And if your family values the closeness than maybe they should come to terms with the fact that this is the mother of your child and respect her and give her a chance! She needs you now more than ever and if you aren't there she will resent you... So be there and quit worrying about what mommy and daddy think, if they love you they will understand!
- 1 decade ago
Wow you have a lot going on! My sympathies are with you. The one thing for certain in your situation is that you are going to be a father. The mother of your child may or may not be the person for you. You can be a good dad and not be in a relationship with the mother. Of Course the ideal situation would be for you and your gf to get married and have a happy healthy relationship! But it can be horrible to get into a relationship with an unhealthy person just because a child was conceived. You have choices here. You need to look at your gf and choose whether or not she is the woman who is compatible with you and whom you love enough to marry. You know about her temper and family background. That does not make her a "bad" person but she might be a bad match for you. How you were raised influences who we are. If your gf has bad baggage from childhood then she may need to see a counselor to help her deal with those issues. She may not be able to be in a healthy relationship where people look out for the well being of both parties and not just what they want. She will bring her past with her and so will you. You have this rosy picture of what family is that she cannot understand- because she didn't have one. You cannot understand why she can't just jump on board with yours - after all it is what she says she wants. Now...you are a grown man with a child on the way. If you choose to make a life with this woman then that is what you should do. Why do you live with your parents? That is nuts! Why would a grown woman want to move in with her b/f parents just because she got knocked up. What kind of life is that? "Sure - wow honey that is great I do love you and can't wait to mooch off your parents!" That is not the kind of security a wife or child needs. Why would your parents be excited about taking in your pregnant g/f and you? Wow now they can have more dependants that suck their money and want free child care to boot! Come on do you really expect your parents to like this new huge obligation you call your g/f. If your parents are offering that then they must be saints and part crazy. But even with the best intentions they can't help but be annoyed by the whole situation. Which probably comes across in the attitude your g/f picks up on. If you really want all this to work out...you either have to choose to make a life with your g/f because you love her and really believe that she is the smart match for you (use your head not your heart or anything else.) If you choose the g/f then make a plan to move out and start and independant life with her and your child. If you choose to be an awesome father but not be married to your g/f- then support her emotionally through her pregancy as a friend while living at your parents home. Make a plan as to how you want to share custody and how you will be paying your child support. Two people in a bad relationship do not make good parents. If you and your girlfriend have your own appartment, make your own money, and are getting along, your parents will come around. They love you and want the best for you and their grandchild to be. If you are making a life with your g/f where you are providing for yourselves and planning for your child your g/f will be more open to being part of your extended family.Source(s): I was a single mom who chose to not get married when I was pregnant because we were not right for each other. I worked my way through college and supported myself and my child with love and support from my family. Now I am married with 3 kids.
- LuluLv 61 decade ago
Sweetie, moving her in with your folks in a terrible idea! Don't! Let's put it this way: Would you put a pit bull and a rattlesnake together so they can "learn" more about each other?
You cannot force this situation to be what you want it to be.
You are 20 and going to be a dad. Support yourself and new family without leaning on mom and dad for financial or babysitting reasons. If you want to play house, you need to be the one to pay for the house.
I'm going to suggest two things, and the first is that you take control of this situation by setting boundaries for everyone involved.
You must respectfully tell your family that you love this girl and want this child, and even if they don't care for her, you want them to treat her with respect. That's not asking too much. If they don't, you must make yourself scarce until they get the message.
The second boundary needs to be set with your gf. Temper tantrums have no place in a mature relationship. Once she starts behaving immaturely, you must get up and leave so that she knows in no uncertain terms that this will no longer work. It's up to you.
She also needs to know that she must treat your family with respect, and honor the fact that you need to spend time with them. If she does not, this relationship will fail. Frankly, if I wanted to slip a sibling a little gas money, I would do so. You don't have to tell her everything right now. She does not have to visit your family if she is not willing to be nice and respectful.
If you do not man up she is going to use the baby to blackmail you into doing things her way. You will be miserable because you have made a bed of thorns to lay in. You are already emotionally and physicallly drained, using your own words.
The second thing you must do is put the two of you into family counseling and get some professional help. I see no other way that this can be a healthy relationship. I see no other way that this child stands a chance of growing up in a healthy and happy home.
It's not a question of who is being selfish, by the way, it's more a question of if everyone involved can act maturely and allow room for compromise. Life is imperfect, but the new baby deserves a family that treats each other with respect.
The crucial componet to make this work is that YOU must lay these basic groundrules and make everyone know that you will absent yourself immediately if they can't respect your wishes to get along.
Therapy is the only other thing that can make a lasting difference.
Good luck to you, sweetheart.
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- KSLv 71 decade ago
I understand that you love their family...most people do. But your family is no longer number one. Your wife/significant other and your child is. That is just the natural way with humans.
From experience...I can say that forcing a move-in with your family will only serve to make things much worse. It is hard when people don't feel the same way about our own family that we do, but sometimes you have to accept that.
If this is really putting such a strain on you, couples counselling might be beneficial. It's always hard to understand where the other person is coming from and to effectively communicate your thoughts (without getting into a fight.) But a professional can help the two of you accomplish that.
- 1 decade ago
I want to say that if she sees the family values then maybe she will learn something, but I honestly doubt at this point she will. She has been on her own a long time and sounds very selfish. If you move in with your family they are gonna see exactly how she acts and know pretty much everything about her attitude. If they already aren't fond of her after meeting her once, then being in close quarters with her could be disastrous.
I am sorry your drained and I hope you figure out the right thing to do. Good luck!
- 1 decade ago
I think that would be a great idea see if she will move in with you and your parents. Your girlfriend has issues, I really wish you had noted these and addressed them before you started a family but never the less its done now.
Your girlfriend NEEDS to know what a loving supportive family is for her to be able to offer the same to this child. If she has never had it and doesnt understand your points of view that is a VERY worrying sign for the baby! Talk to your family tell them how you feel what you propose, reiterate that you cant take back what has happened but you can try to make things better. Then talk to your girlfriend tell her that your family wish to be a part of babies life and hers and maybe moving in there may take off other strains on her for a while and be a posotive influence on her.
I should also add that if she agrees you should save up to get a nice place of your own for when baby is born. That bit is important for you to be a family together BUT i feel she needs a supporting family around her during pregnancy and moving in with you and your parents could teach her some valuble lessons
- Anonymous1 decade ago
wow what a long question..lol..anyways. my husband and i both same age as u and ur gf, are living with my parents we now have a 4 week old adorable son. now we all really get along great. there are many disadvantages though. they smoke, tv cant be too loud, who does the cooking, dishes,,its all split evenley here, also sex issue. they're sleeping under our bedroom..yeah... but we're doing this for another 2 year to save money for our own house and to get me through college, since i only got 1 1/2 years left now. in ur situation however, sicne your girflriend has had a rough situationa nd all, and doesnt seem to care about your parents and family values at all, i would seriously think its better if u dont move in. it will most likely cause more problems. if u absolualtey have to do because of financial issues, then u obviously dont have another choice, but if u can avoid moving in with your parents, i would definately take advantage of that. i wish we could financially have our own place, but we're saving lots of money like this, and we allg et along really got so it aint so bad.
but i hihgly doubt thyey will become better with one another by living together. it might just cause more and more fights over the littlest things u cant imagine fighting about now. somebody always leaving a cup on the counter, and ur gf is realy picky about that. or somebody shaving and leaving their hairs everywhere, tons of little thing su dont notice could bug u uabout soemone else unless u live with them
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Do not move in with your parents. If she can't handle little things not being in her control, this is really going to be a disaster. She will resent you and your family even more. Instead, try to bring her around your family more and do fun things together. It would also be a good idea to get some counseling so you two can work through what your expectations are of each other.
- jane dLv 41 decade ago
geesh, I understand that you're family is close knit but when you have a child it's time to let go of those strings a little bit. You are starting a life with you g/f and child...
I really do not think that living with your family is a good idea for you and your girlfriend...especially since your family has already formed an opinion about her. That would be unfair to her. You guys are not teens...why can't you get an apartment?
No offense but I had a bf like you. For YEARS I waited for him to move out of his parents home. I even moved in there with him to make him happy. I wound up moving out and shortly after we broke up because he refused to grow up. Now I am married (to someone else) with two kids. I heard that he JUST moved out, and he is 36 years old.
It sounds like you are too wrapped up to me....