Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Society & CultureMythology & Folklore · 1 decade ago

Please tell me what you think of my vampire story so far!!?

plz be 150% honest!!! <3 thanks

VAMPIRE STORY (NO NAME YET)

By: Taylor Hurst

The Dream

“It’s cold”

“It is, shall we go inside?”

“We shall, thank you”

He grabbed my hand and lead the way back into the candle lit room from the balcony, it was such a beautiful night. The room was old yet breath taking, with its 19th century interior and balcony that led to the sight of the most stunning beach view I’ve ever seen. I couldn’t believe this man lived here.

I met him a few days ago at a restaurant here in France and haven’t stopped seeing him since, he had a sort of hypnotizing stare, like he was forcing me to be around all the time, but I didn’t have to I wanted to.

“Would you like some wine? Natalie, my dear?” He asked holding up a bottle of red wine. He’s eyes staring into my mind. He looked fairly young but his eyes said he knew more then everyone thought he knew, and I loved it.

“Sorry Ash, I can’t, I’m only 19,” I said refusing the glass by pushing it away timidly.

“It’s quiet ok, I’m only 20,” He got closer to me putting the glasses on the table and filling them up half way. I wanted to say yes, but I just couldn’t think of the legal drinking age in France, what was it again?

“It’s sixteen,” Ash said smiling at me picking up his glass and taking a sip.

“Wow, your good, I was just thinking that, is it really?” I laughed with a big dumb look on my face, picking up my glass and taking a sip. I’ve never had wine before, and it tasted a lot different then expected.

“So,” Ash said after a few minutes of silence. “you told me last night that you were here on vacation. Why are you alone, then?” Ash asked giving me a flirty stare, which I tried to return but the after-taste of the wine snuck up on me giving me a new, more unpleasant look, Ash just laughed and took my glass away.

“Well,” I said after he stopped laughing at me. “my mother wanted me to go on this trip. I’ve wanted to go ever since I was a little girl but, my mom became ill I wasn’t able to, even after I got enough money,” Ash kept nodding his head to show he was listening. “now that she’s doing a lot better and is able to leave the house alone, She told me to go and enjoy myself.”

“Are you?” Ash asked simply, resting his leg on the coffee table, which I noticed had a red stain on it.

“Oh yes, I am very much,” I said taking my eyes away from the stain.

“That’s good, I’m glad I can make your trip enjoyable for you,” He got up and took the glasses to the kitchen. I followed him with my eyes, trying to keep them away from his backside but, failed in the attempt. I turned around quickly when he started coming back to the sofa. He sat back down with a sexy smile on his face, looking at me like I did something “bad”.

“What?” I was almost finished asking before he lunged forward and kissed me. The impact of the kiss caught me off guard, so I pulled back suddenly starring at him wide eyed.

“What are you doing Ash?” I asked, only because the kiss scared me. He stared at the floor several minutes and I began to wonder if I embarrassed him.

“Ash?” I said, I putting my hand on his shoulder, he didn’t look up. To reassure him that I did want what he wanted, I put my hands gently on his face and pulled it toward mine.

The kiss was so beautiful and lasted longer then I thought it would, yet it was over to soon. The next thing Ash said was the last thing I expected,

“Marry me,” He said, putting his hand on mine, which was still on his face.

“What?” I asked, feeling lost in the moment that just so recently ended.

“Marry me, Natalie” she said once again, I could see in his eyes, it wasn’t the wine talking.

“Ash, what are you talking about?” I pulled back and stared at him for a few moments while he sat in front of me staring into space. “Ash?” I asked again.

“I mean it,” He finally said getting on his knees and coming closer to me. “please Natalie, please marry me,” The sight was almost to scary to watch.

“Ash,” I said getting down on the floor with him, “Ash, I can’t, I’ve only known you for 3 days, I cant just jump into marriage with someone I barely even know,” I could see his eyes fill with tears, I could never picture this man crying it didn’t match his look or personality.

“But I love you” he finally said after a 3 heart beat long wait. I took a deep breath in and thought about what I should say next, this guy was obviously very sensitive.

“um…Ash?” I said choosing my words very carefully. “that’s the problem, I just met you, I….um….don’t have the same feelings for you,” It was almost like he was ignoring me because right after I finished, Ash got up off the floor and sat on the couch, resting his head in the palms of his hands.

“Ash?” I asked getting up and sitting next to him. I put my hand on his shoulder to comfort him, but he grabbed it with his other hand in an instant. I don’t know if he meant to or if it was only because he was emotional but he was really

Update:

hurting me. His grip was almost inhuman.

“Ouch, Ash! Your hurting me!” I yelled and tried to take my hand back, but he wouldn’t let go.

“Ash! Let go!” I yelled, I screamed in pain as a felt one of my fingers break, I could feel my finger splinter in his fist. I screamed louder as his grip got stronger and stronger.

“ASH!” My voice was burning in my throat, he looked at me and I screamed even louder. His bright green eyes were completely black from top to bottom, there wasn’t even any white in his eyes any more. His top rows of teeth were like tiny knifes attached to his gums, which where now bright red. And he had several black veins coming out of his hair line down to eyes.

I yelled for help and tried to get away but he had my hand and was now reaching for my other arm. I kicked and pulled until I fell onto the floor. Ash stood over me and pulled me up onto the table. Holding onto both of my arms now, he forced my back onto the table, I could

Update 2:

feel the glass on the table cracking under me. I screamed one last time as I felt something sharp pierce into my neck. It hurt so bad but, I couldn’t scream anymore, I was too weak. Even after the burning came I couldn’t utter a sound. He finally pulled his giant sharp teeth out of my neck, let go of one of my arms and wiped his mouth with the sleeve on his coat. Even though he only had me by one arm I couldn’t get away from him, not that I was trying. After I thought it was all over, after I thought he was going to finish me off and go on his way, he, almost like a rag doll, picked me up and threw me into the wall. I once again felt something crack but his time it was my forehead. I thought I was goner as I lied there on the floor of this beautiful house but I could hear another scream, and I didn’t know where it was coming from. She kept screaming and screaming, I wanted to help her but I couldn’t feel my legs. My neck was burning like a flame was being pushed up against it

Update 3:

and so was my forehead, only not as bad as my neck.

“Please stop screaming” I thought to myself, “Who ever you are, just please stop!”

I sat up very quickly and looked around my bedroom. My husband had been shaking me awake and I was covered in a cold sweat. It was then that I realized there was no girl screaming, it was me, I had had the dream again.

“Natalie, are you alright?” Kenny asked,

“Yeah….yeah i’m ok,” I told him after catching my breath. I had to get used to the fact that I was home and not in that horrible place.

“Was it the dream?” he asked, as I lay back down on my side of the bed, the familiar scent of my pillow and the touch of my husband calmed me down.

“Yeah it was, but i’m ok, go back to sleep” I said as I cuddle up against him, without the slightest thought of going back to sleep.

“Babe, you’ve had this dream almost every night this week,” he said stroking my shoulder softly, “I’m worried”

“I told you, I’m ok,” I said kissing him on the

Update 4:

forehead

“But-”

“You know what? I’ll talk to mom when I get up and Ill go with her to the doctor tomorrow, ok?” I asked him slightly annoyed, I tried to keep the annoyance at a minimum.

“Alright,” He said almost in a whisper as he kissed me softly on the lips.

“Good night, Kenny, Love you” I said, getting slightly more tired as I listened to his heart beat and slow breathing.

“Night, Love you too” he told me back. I rolled over and before I knew it, or could even expect it, I was asleep.

Update 5:

this is all i have so far and no i dont have wondows 2007 <3 and also when i copied and pasted the story on here it got rid of my paragraphs...so there there there just spaced inward lol

10 Answers

Relevance
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    i liked it.

    i hate being critical but i think you should edit some of the punctuation in the story (every good writer does it so its no problem). but other than that, it's pretty good!

  • 1 decade ago

    Nice.

  • 1 decade ago

    I love it! It reminds me of Twilight! Omgsh this is a great story! Good job Taylor! :]]

    Source(s): Me! :]
  • 1 decade ago

    PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZz finish the storyyyy...I wanna read moreee....I'll add you so you can send it to me...I am already a fan now.....

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  • 1 decade ago

    it rocks dude

  • 1 decade ago

    Holy crap! I love it!

  • 1 decade ago

    OMG KEEP WRITING!!!! THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!

    seriously i want more!!!!!!!!

  • it is awsome

  • gracie
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    its pretty good.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    pretty damn sweet =]

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