Do spouses need permission from each other? What the heck is that?

Me and my boyfriend are friends with a couple who are married. We were invited to a birthday party at the coolest club in town because the bouncer used to be my boyfriend's roomy. The party would be in the VIP area, with free alcohol, an amazing DJ and lots of fun. We had taken them there before and they liked it a lot and we had a blast laughing at the drunk girls that flashed everybody their goodies. And the bouncer friend asked us to bring them because they got along great last time we went.

So anyway, I invited them to go and she says yay! and then text me saying "sorry we cant go because Matt thinks is too late, booo hoo"

Im so confused because is the third time she doesnt joins us because her husband wont go. Is that a normal thing among married people? I live with my boyfriend and we are planning on getting married and we both agree that was ridiculous, that if one wanted to do something and the other didnt, then the person that wanted to go should go since we are not attached at the hip!

Is a requirement of a normal or good marriage to ask "permission" of the spouse? I see it all the time, "I cant cut my hair because my hubby wont let me, I wish I could go out tonight for a girls-nightout but I'll ask my hubby if I can"

What is with that? It doesnt bode well for me since I am so independant and refuse to ask permission from anybody! I stopped asking permision when I turned 18 so I cannot picture myself asking my husband who is my equal permision to go or do something.

I understand having to agree on major expenses and which color the house is going to be painted and if we are changing mattress but does getting married really leads to that loss of personhood, that loss of command over our own bodies?

My boyfriend goes out sometimes with his buddies and I go out with mine, most of the time we are together, socially and at home but sometimes you just want to hang out without each other.

What is going on?

Update:

I keep seeing people saying "out of respect" how is him going somewhere he wants to go even though I dont feel like going out a disrespect? I dont feel disrespected if he feels like going out and I dont. I think it will harbor resentment if someone cant do something they really want to do just because the spouse doesnt want to. I still dont understand who is out of respect.

Update 2:

Oh so is a bar/club thing.

I didnt know clubs were such a no-no, but then again I am not married. Lol. It makes sense since alcohol usually makes people do stuff that usually they wouldnt do.

To those getting insulted and afronted and defensive, chill out, I am not questioning your freaking marriage so either answer the question with an answer or f* off. Thank you all.

19 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Well, I don't necessarily agree with asking "permission" but my husband and I do check with one another to make sure we're fine with the other doing things, it's a common respect thing.

    I would never tell my husband he wasn't ALLOWED to do something. Say on a Friday night he wanted to go out with his buddies, but I had been sick all day and had a REALLY hard day at work and just felt like I needed him there for me, I'd tell him that. I'd say "Would you mind sticking with me tonight and going out tomorrow instead? I could use you home.." and he'll always agree to be there for me because my happiness is more important than going out with his friends.

    Same goes for him. If I want to go out with my girlfriends and he's missing me for whatever reason, he'll ask me to stay. He's not telling me what I can and cannot do, and if he ever did of course I'd laugh in his face -- I'm a grown woman! However, I respect my husband and his happiness is #1 to me, I'd never do something that knowlingly would make him unhappy or hurt.

    It's all about respect and communication. If one of us wants to do something and the other doesn't, typically we will attend without each other. However, there are certain places we don't go without each other -- and bars happen to be one of them. Trouble broods at bars. ;)

    Also -- the hair cutting thing is a bit out of line. My husband doesn't tell me when I can and cannot cut my hair, nor do I tell him. Sure, I know how he likes my hair and usually I keep it that way, but if I'm unhappy with my haircut I'll cut it whether he likes it or not -- it's my head!

    As far as "asking" hubby for girls night out, I do ask my hubby -- not if I have his permission, but if we have anything going on and if he cares. If he said he wanted me to stay home I would as long as he had a good reason for it. We're very understanding of each other though, and unless something is going on we do as we please. We do almost everything together, but I agree sometimes you just want to chill without your spouse! That's perfectly healthy!

    Good luck!

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  • 1 decade ago

    I ALWAYS seek my husbands approval if I want to go out (sometimes even when it's during the day without him). I don't mind and I don't think it's a bad thing. You sound like you'd be hard headed.

    You don't have full independence when you marry, you have a spouse who should know where you are, when you'll be back and has the right to say they don't want to go or don't think you should go.

    It's courtesy. It's maturity. I'm not some teenager running wild, I have another person who I share my life with.

    I often tell my friends something sounds good knowing full well I am going to call later and say we had other plans or my husband doesn't want to go. She may just have been being polite to you. Women are notorious for not wanting to "hurt" other peoples feelings. Great to have a man to blame, even when he isn't to blame.

    My husband and I are better friends then any of my other friends and I. I think many couples are that way...so, it's not like he's some evil dude. He knows her better then you do I'm sure it's mutual that they both agreed on not going.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I understand what you mean, it used to confuse me as well BEFORE I WAS MARRIED!!

    I think the thing is when you're married that sometimes it's just easier to go with the flow. For example with your friend. Maybe her partner gets a bit jealous and doesn't want her going to this club without him, but then it is genuinely too late for him to go. He probably wouldn't say to her, no don't go, but there would be repercussions after she returned home because he would have been sitting at home getting more and more resentful.

    At the end of the day when you're married it's basically about avoiding the argument whenever possible!

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  • Anji
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    This is not how all marriages work but it seems to be their "norm"...

    Everyone sets the standards in their relationship and they obviously have an understanding that if one doesn't go - the other one doesn't either.

    Marriage is a partnership. If my husband wants to go out and he knows I wont go, he will stay at home out of respect. I do not demand this of him but I guess he understands how he might feel if I were to go to a bar without him.

    Congrats on the wedding a good luck!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It is not a case of asking "permission" it is a case of respect. If I want to go do something with my friends, I always "ask" my husband if he cares. I will say, "Honey, is it ok if I go out with the girls Friday night or did you have something planned?" He will of course say it is fine even if he would prefer I spend time with him. But what if he had been looking forward to spending Friday night with me and wanted to take me out? By asking him if it is ok, I am making sure that he understands that I care about how he feels and that he is more important to me than my friends.

    I don't think it is a good idea for married couples to go to bars or consume alcohol without their spouse present. I am not saying I do not do this, but if you don't put yourself in that situation, you don't have to worry about what could happen.

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  • 1 decade ago

    In marriage...I'm one of those who ask permission to my husband before I go out with some friends...with all consideration...he could say YES or he could say NO and in that case will talk about the reason why NO and whatever the reason after listening to him then "out of respect" I will not go...WHY?...1st- for the reason of 'out of respect'... 2nd-my husband and my kids are always my priority...3rd-if I don't go that means I'm not really into it anyway...4th-I enjoy more of spending my time with my husband and my kids.

    With all the reasons I mentioned above...it says only one thing...as we should make a decision in our life...big or small...as a married couple should be discussed together openly.

    So...regarding your concern about your friend...most likely she's not really into going out and her husband is the best excuse.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I think that it is great you invite both of them, but if he doesn't want to go she should. I wouldn't say ask permission but let the other spouse know you would like to go and go if you want to. My husband doesn't like my friends and often I go with them on my own and he goes with his friends on his own. Because there will be a time when you stop asking her to go because she says no all the time.

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  • 1 decade ago

    What's goiing on is that when people actually get married versus just living together they are just a more serius person when it comes to commitments. They wouldn't of went through all that trouble if they wern't. So, if your friend chooses her husband over you than it just means she's more "committed" to him. I had a friend do that years ago. I miss her, but I had to get over it. She chose hanging out with her sheriff/detective husband versus hanging out with me at usual hang outs. Her husband wasn't interested in partying and didn't want her to either.

    That doesn't speak for every married couple- that's just that type of friend you have or had? I would blow it off.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Sometimes it's just that it's easier not to do something your spouse won't like than to have all the drama if you go ahead and do it. If you and your bf are open to going out without each other, that is great.

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  • 1 decade ago

    yes spouses need permission to go out. Each couple sets their own rules and boundries.

    Some couples have arrangements that dont require implicit asking of permission and some do. Your arrangement with your man is that you both can do what ever you want. good luck to that, it rarely works out long term

    Honestly, I would never go to a night club without my wife nor permit her to go without me. that is a total deal breaker.

    support your friend in her marriage.

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