How long do I put up with the abuse and I'm the one that messed up too?

Hello My Friends,

I have a very serious question for people who have actually been in an abusive relationship. Please teens this is not a question for the unexperianced. I've been with a alcoholic for 15 years now. I've tried to get him to slow down or stop and he just says he likes his beer. However about 3 years ago he started treating me like sh*t and becoming abusive verbally. All because i wanted a child with him. I'm 39 now and this is the last chance type of thing. He basically said hell no then said and you know where thats going to lead.Divorce. He told me this on my birthday last year so I went to stay with my sister for awhile. After 2 months one of my friends said they would be willing to help me have a child so I desided to file for divorce and try with my friend instead. Well that did not work out and with all the emotions I was going through and the messeges I was getting from my husband, I decided to go back to my husband. There is alot to this story but i'll try to sum it up. I went back to try and work things out. I gave up on the baby thing and thats when stuff hit the fan. I was sent a text messege from the guy I was seeing when I was away from my husband and he seen it and freaked out. He held a gun to me and said get out, so i did. He did not give me achance to explain. I was going through alot of emotions and do love my husband so after a month I told him I messed up and missed him and would like to fix what happened. Things were ok til about 2 weeks into it. He said he was still mad, which is understandable, and said he had thoughts of punching me in my head for being so f-ing stupid. (for sleeping with another man). He also said he would never do that but like I said before he did hold a gun to me once. I want to stay because I don't want to hurt him anymore but if he can't get over what happened and gets to drunk one night I fear he might follow through. So my question is should I stay with this man and try to work on this or do you think its too late and get out before its too late. Serious replys only please. I've been put down enough. I need guidence, not more abuse. Thanks K

8 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    First off i have to say that i am so sorry that you are going through this.

    You need to leave him now! i am sure you still want a baby, but the last thing you want is for him to beat you so hard that it is impossible for you to have one. You also don't want to have a child with this man and have him come home pop a few beers and hurt your little creation. Alcoholics will do and say anything to get you to come back to them. he can trick you by being "good" for a few days after you get back, but i promise you it will happen again. He can only help himself, you cannot do anything for him unless he wants it. The key word here is wants.

    Please please leave him, i know you care for him, but you need to come first and that is what is important.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Listen, my father was a drunk and alcoholic and he died when I was five leaving a huge gap in my upbringing process that I not only still feel today but will for the rest of my life. So I am glad you didn't have a child with him, I think it would have a miserable environment to be raised in and I am not blaming you. I don't think your happy, nor do I think you've been happy for quite some time. I think you should get out of this marriage while you can and start anew. Lots of women have babies in there 40's so who knows, maybe you still can, but please do it for the right reasons honey. I think its only a matter of time before this guy gets violent with you, so I say the sooner you leave the better. I hope I helped.

  • 1 decade ago

    I'm no christian..but thank GOD you didn't have a child with him! Imagine trying to raise a baby with him. It would be horrible. He is a typical abuser, he's even got you thinking your in the wrong! Your not honey! you need to get out now, please get out now! Go to your sisters get a divorce, get a restraining order and never see him again. Don't worry about hurting him, he held a GUN to your head for goodness sake! I don't think you should even bother getting counselling just go! Hopefully you can meet a nice man and have a family before your eggs expire.

    I wish you all the best!

  • 1 decade ago

    I understand that you love him, and maybe you did hurt him, but how many times does he get to hurt you? A marriage isnt about that, you should be able to trust that he will not hold a gun to your head, or verbally abuse you. He has beat you down enough and I think you should move on because if he doesnt want to get help he will never change, no matter how much you want him too.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You need to leave him ASAP and go somewhere safe. I'm 100% serious.

    What is there to stay and work on? He's been an alcoholic for a decade and a half (atleast), HE POINTED A GUN AT YOU, he beats you, he throw you out, and that's just the stuff you're willing to share!

    THERE IS NOTHING TO WORK OUT. I can only hope he doesn't murder you before you take my advice... unlike my aunt (who is why I know what needs to be done).

  • 1 decade ago

    I think it would be best if you got out now. Life is far to short to spend it with an unstable person. If you stay, and remember this is only from my experience, you will probably be the only one trying to "work" things out. They very rarely want to change as they don't think of themselves as needing to change. It is, after all, all our fault! No, no more just go and make a life for yourself, I did and I never look back.

  • 1 decade ago

    Actually, you need to go...NOW. Alchoholism is an illness. Your husband is unwilling to treat it. You are treated with disrespect. You have been emotionally and physically abused. Yeah, you shouldn't have slept with someone while you were married, but in your situation, who wouldn't do what you did? You need to get away from this idiot and start your life anew. Don't worry about the baby thing either, you still have several years. I hope the best for you, from an abused husband.

    Source(s): my life.
  • 1 decade ago

    ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! At what point are you going to realize that you don't deserve this. Do you REALLY need people tell you to leave? You can't figure this out on your own? Do me a favor....read what you just posted. Answer your own queston.

    As soon as you realize that you are better than this...

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