My husband doesn't show affection anymore... help?

My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years, and he is my best friend and I'm his. Right after we got married we were diagnosed with an infertility disorder (it's me not him) and we can't have children. Well in the past year I have noticed that we are only having sex every 2-3 months and when we first got married it was 1-3 times a day. He seems really distant, and I have been trying to give him everything he wants (bought him a 50inch LCD TV for birthday) in an effort to make him a happy person again. He seems to just mope around the house, and won't kiss me and when I try to initiate things he just shrugs me off. He doesn't even laugh at my jokes anymore. Help!!! What do I do!!

Update:

We both wanted kids very badly, but he doesn't want to adopt.

All he wants to do is sit in front of the TV and watch his weekly shows (e.g. smallville, chuck, heroes, etc.)

Update 2:

I'm 23 years old and he is 29.

Update 3:

I have explored all avenues of me having children... no possibility what so every. Only option surrogate or adoption, and I am very nervous about using a surrogate mother because of all the horror stories you here about it.

45 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    In other words, you really don't have a definite idea about what's bothering him. He's obviously depressed about something but until you know what that something or multiple somethings are, you will probably only make things worse by guessing wrong and worrying needlessly.

    Communicate with him then see if there isn't something you can help him with actively instead of guessing.

    You really should make a plan ahead of time. Just outline in your mind how you have been successful in communicating in the past with your husband and approach the issue logically together.

    If you need advice or help, don't look for off the cuff wisdom from people who don't really know you, your husband or your situation. Get help from a professional or an experienced friend.

    Try to persevere though, he'll probably feel like he's alone in whatever is bothering him. Men typically don't like to share and ignoring a problem won't make it go away.

  • 1 decade ago

    How do you know its because of your infertility problems that he is acting this way ? He may just be that kind of person, being married sometimes changes a person.

    You need to sit down and work this problem out between you, he married you knowing there would be no kids, so now is the time to sort out something. Maybe foster, that will bring in a wage and you will have kids around you some even long term.

    Apart from that has your infertility been investigated fully ? I mean unless you dont have a womb there are various methods of getting pregnant with a little medical help.

    How about finding a surrogate mother where the woman carries your husbands baby yet you bring it up from birth ?

    I seriously recommend you get in touch with your doctor and explore all the avenues available.

    I would first determine that this is the underlying cause of his behaviour before you embark on this long road of trying to get pregnant, unless you two are in harmony how will you be able to cope with the disappointments and the joys of parenthood ?

    Good luck and go for it all the way.

    Source(s): Mum of two, first baby was born after 6 years of infertility treatment.
  • 1 decade ago

    He is your best friend right? Meaning no secrets so this is easy to approach because one might not be able to have a heart-to-heart with a husband, but best friends are able to talk about anything. Make a special evening of. Call him at work or email him and ask for a date and during that date do not talk about "how you feel he is not affectionate" rather tell him you want to improve your relationship with him, talk about all the wonderful things you like about him and how you love him even more than when you 2 got married. The key is communication. Have you considered other methods of having children - You only hear about the horror stories of surrogate parenting, but there are more sucessful stories than horror stories.

    You could also get a puppy if he likes them that will give you both a mutual shared chore and tasks on caring for.

    Source(s): ........communications 101
  • 1 decade ago

    Show him what you put on here asking for help and see what that does for him maybe then he will open up and you all can work things out to a better understanding of what is going on. It sounds like he is just having some depression over finding that you all can't have children together. That's a hard thing to deal with some times when you really love someone and want them to be the mother or father of your child.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I'm not sure of your ages here and that's a very important key. You see, when men reach their mid life crisis and suddenly find themselves with a pot belly or less muscles in their body... they tend to introvert themselves and this because they go through a period of depression somehow the same way that woman go through menopause. They don't feel attractive anymore and they just let themselves go physically. Not all of them but some of them. You need to look at the big picture. Are you having financial problems? Or family problems? He may feel too stressed out to be interested or even overworked! I'm in the same boat I too married my best friend 5 yrs ago and we do have less sex but we went from 2-3 times a day to once a week and I did have a marriage prior to my present one from 1991-2000 that we only had sex once a month and being in my 20's I just couldn't handle that and we drifted apart and divorced. We were better friends than lovers.

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    I got married 5 months ago. Marriage is hard! A lot harder than dating! he shouldn't be saying things like that, but I had to learn it's not all roses either. It sounds like he just stopped trying. Sit him down and have a talk with him about what's going on. Ask him if he wants the marriage to work. I find it strange that he doesn't hug or kiss you anymore...ask him why! Is it possible you are exaggerating at all? Have you perhaps been not trying as hard to attract him lately? Maybe all he's saying is that he feels like he's not worth the effort to you anymore. I think men appreciate it a lot when their wives still wear makeup and don't sluff around in sweats all the time. He may not be trying, but maybe you aren't trying as hard as you could either? I don't know since I'm not there, and I'm definitely not trying to judge you in any way. I'm just saying that my husband and I had a similar though not so extreme thing happen (he wasn't being as affectionate, but we still cuddled and slept in the same bed, he always was touching me still, just less sex and making out) and I asked him why. It basically boiled down to he felt like we'd let ourselves go. We didn't work out for a few months, we wore sweats all the time at home, I didn't wear makeup, etc. Now he still thinks I'm beautiful without it, but he likes to know I try for him. This is not saying he is shallow in any way, it's just a basic human desire to feel wanted. Men feel wanted when we dress up for them, we feel wanted when they love us and kiss us and touch us. So maybe see if it's something like that? It probably is something simple that a good discussion will fix. Suggest marriage counseling. It's way too early to give up. You want to be sure you did everything you could to make it work before you leave or you'll always wonder what else you could have done. Ask him to come sleep with you tonight. If he doesn't, go out on the couch and sleep with him. That way you can show him how important all of this is to you. (: My husband and I figured things out and it got better quickly! I feel our marriage is exactly the way I want it right now, and so does he. We spend all of our time together and those little talks really help with trust and the knowledge that you can go to your spouse for anything! I wish you the best of luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    He had a picture of an ideal life and family in his mind, and he just watched it crumble. It's not anyone's fault, but it sounds like he's going through a grieving process. Are there fertility treatments you can consider or perhaps think about a serrogate mother? There are many options for people who are unable to have children. Let him be upset for now, because he will eventually feel a bit better. Once he does, maybe you can discuss other options. I wouldn't use those discussions as a means of "trying to cheer him up" though.

  • 1 decade ago

    Buying him gifts or money will not make him pay attention to you . the expression you can't buy a persons love is very true . have you sat down with him and ask him what the problem is ? maybe getting marriage or psychological counseling would help . is he open to the option ? if not you might have to make a difficult decision weather you want to stay with him or not because if you are both or just one of you are unhappy it will eventually get worse and being unhappy in a relationship or marriage is no way to live your life . I hope you can work things out because life is to short to live it unhappy , hope this helped

    Source(s): LIFE
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Welcome to married lfe...he's happy, he has the 50 inch TV. Men are funny, we need sexy thoughts to be attracted to someone, you have been diagnosed with an infertility disorder so his brain is registering you are unwell, its unfair to have sex with you. Apart from divorce there is only one thing left to save this relationship....the elephant in the room is you both wanted children, he obviously wanted to have them with you. Are you sure there is nothing you can do to become fertile, have the doctors given you no hope to ever have children? If that is the case you need to ask yourself whether this relationship will work in the long run. If the answer is no then you may need to find yourself a partner who already has children or one who doesn't want any. Now back to what you can do...you have to offer your husband sexual experiences that he has so far only fantasised about...men are basic creatures, we won't trade a partner in who is giving us great sex...

    As crude as it may sound you can't go against nature and evolution..good luck

  • Not making love as often as you used to when you first met/got married is completely normal. However, I think that maybe because you were diagnosed with a infertility disorder and he may have wanted kids, this can affect your sex life. The best advice I can give you is to speak to him one-on-one and discuss your feelings. Not to put any ideas in your head but you don't want him to go and seek it elsewhere.

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