My partner doesn't want me physically?

We've been together for 3.5 years and do not live together. The only time he tells me that I am pretty is when I ask him "does this look good?" Then he says "sure." He doesn't look at me like he wants me, doesn't express to me that he is physically in need of me sometimes, and the only times we are physically intimate is when, after about a week of inactivity, I basically get him in the bedroom and take my clothes off. Then he becomes like a regular man in his twenties. I never climax during these episodes because he goes off so quickly, but still I basically do it for the 10-20 minutes of intimacy in which I feel like he desires me and thinks I'm beautiful. I am usually confident about myself and am very comfortable in my own skin, so I don't necessarily need him to affirm that to me. However, I do feel like this is a huge void in our relationship- the fact that he never shows that he wants me or desires me. After every sexual episode, I am left feeling empty and unwanted, used up like an old tube of toothpaste. Is there something wrong with me?


Also, to those of you who are tempted to answer "He's just not that into you", the fact of the matter is that he professes that he loves me quite often, and I've tried to break up with him because I thought it might be better for us than this- he desperately did not want to let me go. Oh yeah, those times also make me feel like he wants me- in addition to the 10-20 minute sex episodes.

32 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Oh hon, its not YOU... it's him.

    You can keep at this as long as you want, and it probably won't change. You shouldn't have to solicit compliments and initiate sex. Those things should be coming from him naturally.

    Here's the sentence that says it all: "I do it for the 10-20 minutes of intimacy in which i FEEL LIKE HE DESIRES ME." YOU feel that way, but does he?? I't doesn't sound like it.

    Take my word. I dated a guy like this for 4 years and eventually married him. I spent years begging, pleading, crying on the floor of the hallway at 2 am for 18 long sad lonely years. I don't think there was anyone else. Maybe he was gay. Maybe just a "solosexual" where he is more into self pleasure than sex with a partner. When we finally did sex therapy, our counselor finally said to me --- "there's something there he is not telling us" You can stay, but he will not change. If you can live with that, fine, if not, You need to go - even if it is painful."

    I left knowing i might never find that affection i wanted, but sure that if I stayed i would ABSOLUTELY never have it.

    Today I have a wonderful man who honors me with his affection, and compliments not only the way I look to him, but also the person that I am. My humor, my kindness, my creativity. I wish I'd had the confidence to leave years ago. But I am thankful for the time i have had now feeling loved.

    Good luck, and I wish you the love you absolutely deserve!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Its strange that you've been with him for over 3 years and there is no passion, it seems its not there in aspects besides physical too. Has there ever been any passion or was it always like that? Either way, if you don't really love him I'd say that you need to break up and find someone that theres a better flame with. Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? Is this his first serious relationship? If he claims he loves you there must be some reason why he acts so awkward towards you, especially after being together for so long. It won't hurt to talk to him about how you're feeling, and if he just doesn't get it, I'd say its time to move on. Good luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    It's hard to say anything helpful without seeing your relationship firsthand. Some people just aren't as into sex as others. Also, I think you can love someone and need them in your life even if you aren't as attracted to them as you once were. Being with someone for a long time makes intimacy and attraction difficult. You could always try to arouse his interest with outfits, scenarios, or other playful fun times. If the lack of sex or "attraction" bothers you enough, you will end the relationship. But think about the other aspects of the relationship and decide if he is a decent life partner before you make your decision. Sometimes love is more about who can love you in sweatpants than about who wants to tear your clothes off all the time.

    Source(s): My own marriage.
  • 1 decade ago

    Why dont you voice your needs. As women, often times we feel like we Cant tell our man our needs. But just like they have needs and are able to voice them we have to reach a point in our lives in which we are comfortable and able to do this too. Tell him you wanna know that he is attracted to you. Tell him you want to feel like its about pleasing you sometimes when you have sex. Tell him how it makes you feel like he isnt attracted to you because he doesnt voice it. ANY mature man knows that women like to be complimented. Also ask yourself if it was ever like this? If not, how can you expect him to want to change? If you guys are just lacking that old spark then try something different. Have you ever thought about dressing a little kinky (this really works). It will surprise him. Go to the store and buy a box of small candles. Put them all over the bedroom (take the necessary safety precautions of course). This will add to the intimate setting. Introduce fruit into your sexual experience. Tell him what you want him to do to you. If this doesnt open up your man's attraction then I dont know what will.

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  • 1 decade ago

    You don't have to break-up to fix anything here. You do have to find what you are getting out of this relationship. There is a reason you will not move on and that is the pay-off. It could be you have something in common or that he doesn't ask anything of you to make you come out of your box so to speak.

    It sounds like you two don't ask too much from each other. And that works best for the both of you. If you want something more out of life then tell him you are going to find it for yourself. You don't have to break-up but you do have to break-out.

    Even going out with the girls and having your own fun will make him think about doing something more passionate. Take care of yourself and he will follow suite.

    As far as the other thing goes you could take care of yourself personally and let him go without using you sexually for a month or more if needed. If you can't do this then the problem is yours and not his. It's worth finding out.

  • 1 decade ago

    Sounds like he might have something on his mind. Have you sat down with him and discussed your life together?

    Get him to write down a list of 10 things he likes about you and 10 things he does not like about you. You also do the same and when you are finished swap lists. Oh! It doesn't matter if you can't think of all 10 any number will do.

    Read what he has written about you the good and the bad then see if they appear reasonable observations the same with him.

    Sometimes things are not what they seem on the surface.

    Its definitely not the sex its the emotions that I feel are screwed up here.

    Best of luck, sounds like you love him very much.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    ummm.... my guess is you annoy him. OR he's doing some other gal on the side. My wife was like this before we split up. You're not getting the respect you require. Time for a change. Hegets all desperate like that, without communicating what he wants... that does not bode well for the future of your relationship, plus he doesn't go down on you. Move on. That's my advice. If you're still stuck on this guy, go to yahoogroups and find a support group with other women in the same difficult position, and let them convince you of how to handle this. I'd say, detach emotionally, and find someone new, you're obviously hot.

  • 1 decade ago

    You are definitely in a bad spot, but not one that is all that uncommon. There could be any number of root causes behind this, from changes in feelings, to standard relationship ruts, to being over-worked and tired, or even reduced libido due to age or health issues.

    You need to talk to him about it. Directly, not just hinting at it, or tricking him into the sack. Tell him, you know that he "says" he loves you, but that you also need to be shown it. You have needs too, and that by neglecting those needs, he is making you feel unattractive, and un-loved. Don't expect an immediate resolution, but you have to get things out in the open before they can get better.

    If you can arrange it, try to setup special weekend away for just the two of you. Perhaps you just need to re-spark his romantic side again.

  • 1 decade ago

    Maybe you guys are at a sexual stalemate? You know like when you are at a stand off at what each other wants in the bedroom. Neither of you are probably happy. I am at the same point in my marriage, and I am in my 20's. He is attracted to you, especially if he finishes fast. He probably can't control it because you don't do it often enough.

    Just tell him that you want more romance, because it leads to other things. And you deserve to be romanced. I had this talk with my hubby last night. He agreed. He just gave up because I "reject" him so often.

    I reject him cuz he's lacking in romance. You can't just turn over and say, I want to do you and grab my boob. lol So anywho talk it out without accusing him of anything. And try not to attack him or blame him. Just work it out by saying something.

    Source(s): Me
  • 1 decade ago

    I believe intimacy is very important in a relationship, marriage. I think you should have a serious talk with him, without arguing very calm and respectful., tell him how u feel, and what u expect. Maybe he is going through a situation and does not wanna talk!! If think continue, i would consider a break in the relatiionship. Good luck sweetie.

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