I want it and he doesn't.....?

So I am always the one laying in the bed staring at the ceiling (trying to calm down) and he is asleep. We have been married almost a year now and my attraction to him has not cooled in the least. He is the love of my life and says I am his. We almost went out when we were younger but my dad wouldn't let us. By the time I was out on my own and could do what I wanted he had met someone else and so had I. Both relationships bombed and now we have found each other again. Keep in mind I am 32, he is 39. When we fist started seeing each other it was so hot and steamy. He could not keep his hands off of me. Night or day. Now it has gotten to the point, in just one year of marriage, that I almost have to beg him to get it. I don't know what to do, he says he loves me more now than ever and he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone. I don't know what to do. We have had many talks about it and he says he will try to do better, then it just fizzles out. I don't know if it is a libido thing or what. Any men out there experienced this around that age. I am going crazy for it. Maybe it's him, maybe it's just that I am at that age where women tend to hit their peak. Maybe that's all it is I don't know. I need some new theories to go on, some ideas on how to fix this.


Let me elaborate a little more. I have tried the sexy lingerie, trying to spice things up some, tried not pushing. There was one time we went 3 weeks without. He has even gotten to the point that he won't hardly kiss me goodnight afraid I am wanting it. But here is the real kick in the teeth, alot of days he will talk about wanting it that night numerous times during the day, be very attentive and heavily petting then we go to bed and nothing. WTF is going on there?!!!!

29 Answers

  • honey
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    it is normal for your sex life to go in fits and starts....sometimes we have little droughts and other times floods!

    There are many aspects here.....

    If he says he loves you...then believe him....if you get stressed and think his lack of libido means he doesn't love you he will get equally stressed about sex, and not want to do it!

    You ARE in your prime.......very real consideration.....you may need to masturbate more often if he can't keep up!

    Take the focus off sex.......spend time together doing fun romantic stuff.....have real converstaions that make you feel close!

    And then finally, you could seek medical and counselling help if you were still concerned......

    But really...... I think it sounds completely normal! You just need to communicate well, look after each other, and things will sort themselves out!

    Good luck

  • 1 decade ago

    It could be as simple as timing. Is he a morning person and dogged by the evening, while you're a late riser?

    It could be a physical issue (tied to the time of day). Lots of men have unspeakable, unbearable shame about any sort of sexual dysfunction, and so cannot speak of it. Regular medicine has a few recent answers, but they're as subtle as a sledgehammer and have some nasty side-effects. Traditional Chinese medicine has good, time-tested herbal treatments, but they need to be matched to his needs by a skilled practitioner. (look for "acupuncture, but no they won't be using needles, certainly not there!) Don't buy "herbal viagra" or other snake oil on the internet.

    Also stress, long hours etc. can suck it out of him.

    And of course women (i.e. you) have their own preconceptions about sex... "can only happen after 9pm", "man must be dominant", "must use position X"... how, when, why it should happen, what can't happen, what can't be said. Often that's far from what they feel or want. (hey, women are as kinky as men... Nancy Friday got a bunch of uptight 70's housewives to come clean and you cannot begin to imagine, whoa!)

    Anyway figure the same thing is going on on the other side of the bed... and then you start worrying the other person's wants and needs... wow, no wonder it stops being fun?

    So hey, if he's hot for you in the morning, why is it about "that night"? You don't have a refrigerator? :)

    Source(s): Hey me4play, that's not cheating, that's polyamory. When it's mutually consenting (among all) it's polyamory. When it's badly handled and feelings are hurt it's bad polyamory, but it's not cheating.
  • 1 decade ago

    This is a common issue and it goes both ways. In my opinion, most of the time one person will tend to want it more often than the other. Sometimes the drive is close and the difference isn't that noticeable. Other times the difference is enough that it seems only one person has the drive.

    I think that he does love you and want you, but his drive is not currently as strong as yours. You need to continue to talk about it.

    Trust me it's tough though being in your position. In the end, from my own experience and from having heard about everyone else's, all you can do is to live with it the best you can. Or ultimately move on.

  • 1 decade ago

    First, I know it's frustrating but try not to question his love for you. You know attraction and lust are not always about love, it's about the down and dirty chemistry. Don't make him defend his feelings. Men get like that because they turn into lazy creatures of habit once they are married. Focus on putting the spark back in it. Get some lingerie and movies! Don't make him agree to try, instead make him WANT you!

    They say women hit their peak at 40, but I'm 31 and I think I'm at my peak now! My boyfriend is 38 and has started locking the bathroom door when he takes a shower because he knows I will come in there!!!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I am not a male nor a doctor, so these are just guesses that I am throwing out. Maybe at 39 his libido is slowing down. I know men hit their peaks at around 18-22. You are at the age where your libido has increased. You guys are just mis-matched that way I guess.

  • 1 decade ago

    well sorry to say I am 21 and going through the same damn thing. I'm not sure what it is either. it's kinda hurtful. My man tells me its the only thing he can take away form me that will make me listen to him. :[ it's not fair, and honestly he does the same thing were he's like oh i want you and then Night time comes and hes like YOU WAITED TOO LATE! and i'm like you sum um ma *****! :p It hurts, if it doesn't get better I'll choose not to marry, because I don't want to risk the chance of an affair. I love him with all my heart, but affection is a major part of a relationship. Keep in mind we're only 21, I seriously thought only people in their 50's had this problem!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    this happens to most couples no matter the age...after a while things calm down and slow down..some guys will slow down after 35 and some not till 50 all are different..but i always say most women don't even hit it till about 30 that's about the time they lose all inhibitions about sexual things..o and let me say i don't think love has anything to do with how many or how much sex you get you love someone you love them...if you don't you don't...so don't get his not wanting sex mixed up with him not loving you....and i don't know how often you need it but maybe a little spicing is need something new and different. maybe some toys or a few videos. something to set the mood...dress a little sexyer when you go out...give him some peeks and try stiring him up when at dinner or out somewhere. get a new hair cut just try and do something to get him to notice.

  • 1 decade ago

    Some people just don't have a huge libido. What is his past history? Was he alone for a long time before you started dating? My husband has zero sex drive, but I knew it before we got married; he hadn't had a lot of relationships before me, and he hadn't dated at all for about 8 years before we met. That was kind of a give-away right there that sex wasn't at all important to him. It's not something that is easily changed - you have to take your relationship as a whole and try to find other outlets for your energy.

    P.S. Three weeks without? I raise you just about 9 months without, and no interest in it whatsoever.

  • 1 decade ago

    It is hard to answer this question because there are so many variables.

    My wife is like this and early in our marriage she suggested that i Get a girlfriend to have sex with. I had a couple of one night stands and felt really guilty. I am mad at myself because I did that. I am mad at her and blame her for my cheating. That was 25 years ago. On one hand I question whether she really loves me. In fact I think she would rather be with someone else. I have asked her if I repulse her, but she gets mad if I ask too often. On any account your husband is being a jerk for not giving you the affection that you need. Just like my wife. It is wrong wrong wrong.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    hey girlie, i'm 53 and have been married to my wife for 9 yrs. and i still can not keep my hands off of her. we would make love every night if i were home and not working. when i am home i do lots of things for her, like back rubs, foot massages, i shave her legs and what ever else she wants shaved. we take showers together. when i am at home and she is at work, she is a rn, i go by the coffee shop and get her a mocha, stop by the flower shop and get a rose and take her the rose and coffee to her at work. so you 2 have been married a year. and you are younger then him, he should be jumping your bones every night go to bed naked, if that don't work. because what you are saying you could get this treatment living alone.

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