My husband doesn't touch me?

We have been married for 10 years and he has never really been very affectionate but it has dwindled throughout the years until now he never touches me. If I tell him he will try to be more affectionate for a couple days and then forget. He never hugs me or touches me in any way outside of having sex. He never kisses me unless he wants to have sex. Do other people have problems like this? I don't know how I have gone 10 years like this. The last six months I have been considering a divorce. I know people will probably say go to counseling, but I'm thinking I would rather be by myself then with someone who has to be told to be more affectionate. I can't understand why he doesn't want to be affectionate.

Update:

Yes, I have tried being affectionate with him. He would tell me "what are you doing?" or something equivalent and I could tell he wanted me to stop touching him. It really made me feel stupid, and sad.

38 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Tell him how important affection is for you, that you love him, but if he doesn't fulfill your needs you will consider leaving him. This will be an awakening for him and will express how important it truly is. If he likes reading books, buy him 5 Languages of Love. It's an amazing book and explains how people have different ways of expressing and feeling loved (i.e. affection, words of confirmation, quality time) and how to know what kind of love language your partner is and how to fulfill their love needs. I never looked at my marriage the same way after I read that book.

    It's not worth a divorce over, but definitely worth the sacrifice to work on the relationship. I had to confront my husband because it seemed that he would not comment or at least look when I would walk naked around him or in lingerie. It used to ange me, because I felt that he didn't;t find me attractive. After I confronted him, it's never been the same. He makes the effort to notice, which in turn has only increased our love making. heheh...It was all worth it. :) Work on your marriage, but the work going to have to start with you. Buy a book for yourself an one for him and read it together. You'll be amazed what a book can do.

    Best of luck to your marriage.

  • 1 decade ago

    Men and women think very differently. Women want the touchy affection, and men want things like... being left alone to watch a football game and have a beer.

    All other marriages encounter things like this. It's up to both parties to discuss the problems with each other, then to work them out. It seems that you've mentioned the problem to him and suggested an answer, but he's forgotten it. Perhaps you could also try to ask him what he'd like you to do, and then you both can work together to mend the separation between you.

    Other than that, I'd highly recommend seeking either counseling (although you mentioned you don't want that), or a marriage book. My marriage was in a disastrous state a year ago, but within 3 months my husband and I were back to love as it ought to be. The book I read was "Power of a Praying Wife", but there are many others that can help.

  • 1 decade ago

    Well considering he was never really affectionate to start with, why should he change who he is now. Have you given him a reason over the years to change?

    I have never been an affectionate person until the boyfriend I have now came along. He is very affectionate which at first I didn't know how to react to it, but now that a few years have passed, I love it.

    Change takes time and knowledge. If you just ask him to be more affectionate every now and then, then how do you expect him to change. You need to constantly remind him of want you want.

    Just talk about it in a open and non confrontational way.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    My fiance and I are both very touchy feeling type of people and it just comes natural for us however there are a lot of people which this doesn't come natural for. More than likely your husband was brought up in an atmosphere were affection was not given so to him the only time showing affection comes natural is when he is in a sexual mood.

    I wouldn't think of this as if he doesn't love you or find you attractive. This is just one of the many differences you and he has. Do you love your husband but just crave more affection? If you love him and he's otherwise good to you and good for you then I don't think going to counseling is a bad thing. Counseling could help him learn how to express himself better, this is something that you need but he just doesn't know how to give. Counseling doesn't force anyone to do anything.

    Another suggestion I have is if you want him to be more affectionate how about you initiating the affection? It may take a few tries before he understands that when you want to be cuddled and held it doesn't always mean sex so don't get discouraged or offended if that's his first reaction.

    Think of it this way. If your marriage is worth saving, it's better to exhaust all possible paths you can take with him before ending the journey.

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  • 7 years ago

    I would give him the flick! He doesn't deserve you. You know, there are plenty of young men out there who are affectionate, and you can train them! Why be stuck with someone who makes you feel like crap? I have put up with someone for several months who is the SAME, and he makes me feel rejected, like there is something wrong with me and I feel so lonely, especially sharing his bed. I don't understand, as I am an attractive, desirable woman. What is his problem? Aaargh! Men! Who can understand them? Life is too short to be with someone like that. I keep telling myself this - hopefully it'll sink in one day soon, as I am not getting much out of this relationship. Touching and affection are so important in a relationship with a man. Why don't you threaten to leave and tell him why and perhaps this will be a wake up call? If he still doesn't 'get it' then you should look for someone who fulfills your needs.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Hey! well, it's a tough topic thats for sure! and i certainly don't envy your predicament. I'm a very similar sort or individual in that i dont go a lot for touching, especially public affection. but in no way does it me i dont love her. your needs are obviously more than you get. Personally i would only suggest divorce in the event of unfaithfulness but its probably something that needs to be discussed. We may not want to hear but it may be something we need to hear. A wake up call if you will. Men are slow at picking up on womens vibes...... but in our defense they can often be crazy and far out vibes :)

    Often its mis-interpretation for both parties. I would hope that is the case. where you see one thing and he sees another and neither of you realise and when you do, you can look back and laugh........ in an ideal world that would happen..... so i hope for your sakes a little bit of communi-kay does the trick. Best of luck and i really hope you can sort it out. :)

  • 1 decade ago

    Hmm, sounds like we had the same husband. I divorced him after 12 years when I found out he was "purchasing" a new bride from the Philippines to replace me, funneling money to her family for payment, and was lying to me for years and years. Mine simply wanted a slave, and I was too stupid to realize it. I believed his BS about having no sex drive, until I found his cialis Rx and over 5000 Yahoo answers where he bragged about his 22 year old fiance, which was NOT me! Yours may truly be non-sexual, or it could be something worse. Try counseling, medication, get counseling for yourself, and make up your mind if you can handle a lifetime of rejection. I wish you well.

  • 1 decade ago

    I have dealt with this sort of thing myself and I sympathize with you because it really sucks. I am still trying to work out problems that I am having , but I did get my man to be more affectionate by becoming the aggressor. If I want affection, I give it to him and that seems to help me get it in return. However this can also lead to you being the only one giving, so talk to your husband, tell him how you feel and let him know that he has to give some in order to get some. If this doesn't work maybe it is time to move on and find someone who will appreciate what you have to offer. Good luck =)

    Source(s): Personal Experience
  • 1 decade ago

    You aren't alone. I've been married for 21 years and this could be MY story as well. You might try a book called "5 Love Languages"(author Chapman) that addresses the different love languages we all need and give. It is VERY enlightening and if you read it WITH HIM it could help or it could NOT.

    TO be honest you might have to realize that this is WHO HE IS and if you can't live with it (which I wonder myself for me!) then you have to decide if leaving is the option you want to look at too and consider those consequences fully too. I know it's tough. BUT I've decided after 21 years that people basically don't change....

  • 1 decade ago

    Well it seems like it could be a fixable problem. Especially if you still love him. If you still love him, I wouldn't suggest divorce just yet. I think you should seek counseling because maybe there is some underlying reason why he is the way he is. But also be ready for him to shoot down the idea of counseling. Then you will have to go from there and decide if it's worth it to just settle...

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