Loosing interest in life and obsessing over fiction?
I have been debating whether to post here, but I think it has come to a point where I have no one else to speak to about these issues. I’m not opposed to getting help from people online, just conscious that there are people who will see this more as a cry for attention than anything else. Nonetheless, I would like any help that can be given. Hopefully my explanation of events will make things clear.
A few years ago I fell in love with a man who was much older than me and who was in a position of authority over me. I was underage, but believed that his intentions were genuine. I was living on my own, as well, and the closest parent lived a four hour drive from me. My family life had not been a pleasant one and I was recovering from some emotional problems when this man began seeing me. He told me I was beautiful, deserving and smart. God. I fell in love. I very much enjoyed the attentions of this older man. He made me feel special and worthwhile in a way that I had never felt before. Well, when it was all over we went our own ways with mistakes on both sides, but now I see that he wasn't in love with me. That is something I certainly accept. He is... not quite a pedophile, but does not seem to understand emotional balance either and staying with him would have made me miserable.
After that I worked to break free from that part of my life. I dated another man who was not much older than myself and had fun, but he proved to be unreliable and once again I ended up parting ways with someone I cared for.
I think that now, about 2 years on, I still love the first man I was with, but I am not 'in' love with him, so to speak, but I also feel that relationships are very uninteresting.
Now I find that I am analyzing why relationships are now striking me as uninteresting, but it continually boils down to something that I don't believe is healthy:
I don't find sex interesting, nor do I find dating someone my age all that compelling.
I'm 18 (almost 19) and have been finding that older men seem to be more appealing. Now, I understand that many girls my age will want to date older men as they are (sometimes) more mature, but I think this may be extreme and that perhaps I should be seeking help.
I don't find people in real life very attractive. The men I meet are certainly good-looking... but almost 'too' good-looking, are an age that I equate more with boyhood than manhood, and so very few seem to have good heads on their shoulders. In short, they are boring.
The fictional men on TV are quite a different thing. I have had an obsession on Jeremy Brett's portrayal of Sherlock Holmes for a long while, I have also had a crush on Basil Rathbone's Sherlock Holmes, and, more recently, I have fallen head over heels for Detective John Munch from Law and Order SVU. Some people may wonder what the problem is as I know that many individuals find celebrities attractive and generally tend to have their favorites. Well, part of the thing that worries me is that I am not in love with the actors- just the characters. Also, my thoughts about these characters seem to become obsessive. During the day I think about them and how I would love for them to notice me. I make up stories where they like me for being talented/intelligent/beautiful/special, but the truth is that when I do feel like I am those things I also feel that I am overstating my worth and that if I was truly as special as in my stories I certainly wouldn't be working a minimum wage job and now living with my father. Even in my stories I become critical of myself because I dislike seeing 'Mary Sues' on paper so I dislike seeing them in my head.
I'm getting to the point where I… touch myself… while thinking about these characters. I don't think that is healthy or normal. Mind you that though I am disinterested in sex I am only disinterested in having a partner because I am embarrassed by it, but I do seek affection as any person does. I want someone to hold my hand, stroke my hair and kiss me... but I don't think I want sex. Not if my heart isn't in it.
I'm also worried because these are all actors who are much older than I. While Jeremy Brett and Basil Rathbone have both passed away they were both in their late thirties and early forties when they did their work. Richard Belzer is 64, I believe, and many people seem to think it strange that I should find his character John Munch to have a vast amount of sexual appeal.
So, what am I asking?
What should I do if I am obsessing over these fictional men and not taking interest in life? Is there any way to make myself feel better? Should I be seeking professional help?
I have a lot of questions which is why I have attempted to give as much detail as I am comfortable and (hopefully) you are comfortable with.
Please, leave a response if you feel comfortable doing so. I would very much appreciate the help.
- Marie111Lv 61 decade agoFavorite Answer
Reading your story what struck me right away is that you have a lot of emotional pain from that first relationship.
The hurt from that has a lot to do with your poor self-image. You said this man wasn't exactly a pedophile but that you were underage. Well, honey, that makes him a pedophile! That's what he was and that's what you're still trying to recover from. He took advantage of you, he manipulated you, he duped you into thinking he was in love with you. None of that was your fault. All of it was his fault.
I think your brain understands that he conned you, but that doesn't stop you remembering the feelings you had for him. And that's causing a conflict inside you. He was acting, but you weren't.
Because he was much older, he knew how to flatter a girl, pay her attention, and make her feel special. That's usually missing in a younger boy. It takes time to develop. It's that kind of treatment you long for. Only you want it to be genuine, not fake. You want to feel like you are worth something. And there is not a thing wrong with that because you are!
Your trust in men has taken a battering. You know what they are capable of now. You know they can lie to you to get what they want. But you still want to be loved, not in a physical way, but really loved.
So where do you go to get that feeling of genuine love if you can't find it with the men around you? You go inside your own mind and create it there. In that fictional world you are in control, and your knight in shining armour can't lose his gleam.
All you're doing is rehearsing in your mind the qualities and virtues you want to see in your soul mate, while you wait for him to arrive in reality. Imagine the characters a bit younger, but with all the same qualities.
But if you feel it's starting to interfere with real life, there are some things you could do. You might try limiting the times when you allow yourself to think of your characters. Tell yourself you will fantasize at x time of the day or night for y amount of time. Make it a reward for doing your daily tasks. If the fantasies intrude at times other than that, make a note of when it happens and try to notice any triggers that cause you to do it. Is it when you're stressed, for example; is it when your tired or when you're a bit lonely.
I notice you said it has come to the point where you have no one else to speak to. That sort of suggests that you don't have any really close friends you feel you can trust. That could be part of the problem. We usually take our troubles to family or friends. If you don't have that kind of support, you're forced to carry your hurt by yourself. That's a tough burden on one person's shoulders. Maybe you can think of an interest you enjoy or used to enjoy, get back into that and meet new people.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you find your soul mate soon. But in the meantime, give yourself a rest from men and concentrate on doing all the things you like.
And remember your self-worth comes from you, not from any man. ((((hugs))))Source(s): Though you might like to have a look at this sometime: http://dailystrength.org/c/Healthy-Relationships/s...
- Robert PLv 41 decade ago
The reason why you like fictional older men is because you want a "father figure" rather than a lover. I don't mean that you want a man to be like your father but rather you want someone who is dominant and protective yet also "safe". These men are not interested in having sex with you. Thus you feel safe and comfortable thinking about them.
The main question should be why you fear intimacy so much. Some women just find it hard to even imagine a close sexual relationship with someone.
That being said, I don't think you need urgent help or anything. It is not a rule that you must have sex with men etc. It is your own life and you are free to do whatever you want. However if you find that your lifestyle is making you unhappy then you should take steps to change it.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Try not to lose what is real and see that fictional men are just that, men that are either not real or men you will never meet.We all would like to conjure up a fictional man, but alas their none.
The only way to feel better is to accept no men are like that, try to look at yourself and see you are not a fictional person and with that in mind see others are not either.
If you are getting to the point you are losing reality then you will need to see a doctor, hopefully it is daydreaming that you have got into and you need to try to distract yourself and come down to earth, tell yourself if you don't it is dangerous to withdraw from life.
- 1 decade ago
It makes sense that these fictional men would interest you because you can admire and think life would be perfect with them. We all want a break from reality and have crushes on fictional people, but this seams to be affecting your reality. It sounds like you don't have the best image of yourself and some self discovery and counseling would do you some good. You're still young and have plenty of time to figure things out. Best of luck.
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- nonnieLv 51 decade ago
From what I can tell you are starting over: you have new knowledge, alot of old guys important in your life are now dead ... throw your head up - your chin out... Accept that those fictional and unfictional men gave you standards, preferences, and guidelines. You are healthy AND normal. I think when you are truly in love you will know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. Chose them - do not let them chose you. You do not need professional help. Read and grow Go with it. Thank you for confiding in us, here.
- KLFLANCASTERLv 51 decade ago
You are really searching for Love in your life, And you thought you had it once with someone. You are still very young and not in need of fictional things. What you need is to seek Higher ... Look up... there is a God there that is True ! And Loves You and I. Reach out for God and He will comfort you and give you Peace In your heart. You are striving for answers, The Word of God gives you answers. Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ came to this World for All to bring us to God. I am not judging you I just Pray that you will open your eyes to our Father in Heaven, He will comfort you always in your times of need and will not leave you. Don't forget who made us we owe it to Him to give our Love in return, For all that He has done for us.
I don't want to sound like a lot of others but the clock is ticking and time is running short. Make sure to secure yourself a place for Eternity! Love, your Friend and Brother Ken
- Val GLv 51 decade ago
I'm 54, happily married with twin sons and I STILL fall in love with fictional characters. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that at all (or if there is, I've been in trouble all my life and never been aware of it!). Some folks buy magazines to ogle and make them feel good, I prefer to watch a good programme on TV, or a film, preferably with my 'hero' in it!
I have one of those full length 'body pillows' in bed which helps my aching hip (getting old!!!) and I've called it Johnny Depp who (I think) has the dreamiest eyes! My husband regularly beats it up and slings it round the room for sleeping with his wife. I've had a long time crush on Richard Dean Anderson and absolutely adore the bloke who plays Judge John Deed (more recently in George Gently).
And I don't stick to my age group either. I even drool over Orlando Bloom!!!! So where you fancy the characters, I go straight for the bloke himself! (Mind you, if I ever met any of them in the street I'd probably give them a lop sided grin, trip over my zimmer frame and hobble off singing to myself!)
This is what 'fantasy' is all about. I spent my youth living in the middle of nowhere, the only child (apart from my sisters) for miles. I'd sit in the window of our house reading and I wasn't just READING the book, I became PART of the book. I was there, right in the pages. It was my escape. Then we got a telly - black and white - and my world opened up. It was marvellous. All these new faces .... to dream about and pretend I was there with them.
Until I read your letter, I never in my wildest dreams, gave a thought to the fact that other people view films in any other way. They just watch the programme or read a book and forget it? They don't actually .... sink into it and become part of it? I find that such a waste! Actors and actresses have always been my best friends. They've come into my house (invited) and entertained me, talked around me and left me feeling happy/ sad/ emotionally drained/ ecstatic ... (depending on what I've watched), but always calm and satisfied.
What you have to do though, is balance it with the real world. You don't have to chose one OR the other. With fantasy, you learn to balance one with the other. The fact that my beloved has put up with me for 32 years and even ALLOWS me to sleep hugging Johhny Depp must show you something! (Apart from he's as daft as me!)
As far as the age thing goes, that's personal choice. The man you fall in love with? You'll know it, probably from the first moment you meet him. He could be young and handsome, or old and craggily handsome, or he could be fat, funny and with a face like an old sock. Whoever he is, however old he is and whenever you meet him - that's fate, but you'll know him when you meet him. And if you've got any sense at all about you, you'll not let any outside influences try and tell you that your choice is wrong in any way.
Now go and cheer yourself up, curl up on the sofa, cuddle a cushion, put on a film with your favourite bloke in the leading role and lose yourself in the fantasy of it all.
Enjoy your life. xxxx
- BenLv 41 decade ago
You're over analysing the whole situation. There'll be people that come in here with gigantic pieces of advice with countless "you know?"s, "I understands", and "you know what I mean?"s, trying to make it sound wise and personal, but there is no complex answer. You are just simply over analysing the situation, and you need to get out more.