Loosing interest in life and obsessing over fiction?
A few years ago I fell in love with a man who was much older than me and who was in a position of authority over me. I was underage, but believed that his intentions were genuine. I was living on my own, as well, and the closest parent lived a four hour drive from me. My family life had not been a pleasant one and I was recovering from some emotional problems when this man began seeing me. He told me I was beautiful, deserving and smart. God. I fell in love. I very much enjoyed the attentions of this older man. He made me feel special and worthwhile in a way that I had never felt before. Well, when it was all over we went our own ways with mistakes on both sides, but now I see that he wasn't in love with me. That is something I certainly accept. He is... not quite a pedophile, but does not seem to understand emotional balance either and staying with him would have made me miserable.
After that I worked to break free from that part of my life. I dated another man who was not much older than myself and had fun, but he proved to be unreliable and once again I ended up parting ways with someone I cared for.
I think that now, about 2 years on, I still love the first man I was with, but I am not 'in' love with him, so to speak, but I also feel that relationships are very uninteresting.
Now I find that I am analyzing why relationships are now striking me as uninteresting, but it continually boils down to something that I don't believe is healthy:
I don't find sex interesting, nor do I find dating someone my age all that compelling.
I'm 18 (almost 19) and have been finding that older men seem to be more appealing. Now, I understand that many girls my age will want to date older men as they are (sometimes) more mature, but I think this may be extreme and that perhaps I should be seeking help.
I don't find people in real life very attractive. The men I meet are certainly good-looking... but almost 'too' good-looking, are an age that I equate more with boyhood than manhood, and so very few seem to have good heads on their shoulders. In short, they are boring.
The fictional men on TV are quite a different thing. I have had an obsession on Jeremy Brett's portrayal of Sherlock Holmes for a long while, I have also had a crush on Basil Rathbone's Sherlock Holmes, and, more recently, I have fallen head over heels for Detective John Munch from Law and Order SVU. Some people may wonder what the problem is as I know that many individuals find celebrities attractive and generally tend to have their favorites. Well, part of the thing that worries me is that I am not in love with the actors- just the characters. Also, my thoughts about these characters seem to become obsessive. During the day I think about them and how I would love for them to notice me. I make up stories where they like me for being talented/intelligent/beautiful/special, but the truth is that when I do feel like I am those things I also feel that I am overstating my worth and that if I was truly as special as in my stories I certainly wouldn't be working a minimum wage job and now living with my father. Even in my stories I become critical of myself because I dislike seeing 'Mary Sues' on paper so I dislike seeing them in my head.
I'm getting to the point where I… touch myself… while thinking about these characters. I don't think that is healthy or normal. Mind you that though I am disinterested in sex I am only disinterested in having a partner because I am embarrassed by it, but I do seek affection as any person does. I want someone to hold my hand, stroke my hair and kiss me... but I don't think I want sex. Not if my heart isn't in it.
I'm also worried because these are all actors who are much older than I. While Jeremy Brett and Basil Rathbone have both passed away they were both in their late thirties and early forties when they did their work. Richard Belzer is 64, I believe, and many people seem to think it strange that I should find his character John Munch to have a vast amount of sexual appeal.
So, what am I asking?
What should I do if I am obsessing over these fictional men and not taking interest in life? Is there any way to make myself feel better? Should I be seeking professional help?
I have a lot of questions which is why I have attempted to give as much detail as I am comfortable and (hopefully) you are comfortable with.
Please, leave a response if you feel comfortable doing so. I would very much appreciate the help.